Recap: R.S.V.Prom Drama Queen

Hello my Shah-skies! And we’re back! 

Before I start, I have to share this photo with you. I finally met Vida in all of her Zebra glory on premiere night. Her lipstick was Persian red, and her comedic timing was spot-on. Out of the five pictures we took, this is the one she approved:

Now let’s get to it! Season 3 of Shahs kicked off with a bang. Lilly being a prom queen; Asa sharing her newly found mantra of health and positivity (and promising her mom that she’ll buy her plastic surgery with her first diamond water check); Jessica going to a Judaism conversion mixer with Mike (even though there’s no ring on it) only to have an awkwardly conversation with a circumcised 75-year old; And Vida being afraid of crocodiles… what more could we ask for? 

Before we get to Lilly’s dirty 30 Persian Prom, let’s talk about Reza’s negotiation skills.

My dad always told me that the best way to learn how to negotiate is to go to Iran. Reza stuck to the book. He left his wallet in the car. He asked the dealer if they had any relatives in common, and told them exactly what he wanted. But nowhere in the Iranian handbook does it say to wear your pompadour hairdo for negotiation. Why does he insist on this look? I think that’s where Reza went wrong, unless he thought the dealer had an affinity for Persian bull runners. 

The kicker was when the dealer said you can have the car for $65K flat, or you can have it for $60K plus tax and license. Um, did the dealer just try to pull one over on Reza? If you factor in tax and license, you’re looking at a LOT more money than $65K. Thankfully, Reza walked away, and I commend him for that. I also have to commend him for owning a condo and buying a Porsche. A lot of Persians in L.A. rent a shoebox apartment, and then buy the Porsche…because it’s all about keeping up an image. He’s our very own Persian Suze Orman. But that pompadour in a Porsche…DENIED!

Next, I HAVE to talk about MJ and Vida. This scene warmed my heart. I don’t know what I loved more: MJ and Vida progressing their relationship, or the fact that Vida chose a big wheel to ride around the lake. I wanted to put a Dukes of Hazard flag on her Big Wheel and cards in her spokes. Amazing. Just one thing… can someone please tell Vida that there are no crocodiles in L.A.? The only crocodiles that exist in L.A. live on Reza’s Louboutin loafers. I laughed out loud when Vida got offended by MJ telling her to act more like a teenager (“kind of like Cyndi Lauper”). Vida’s response was priceless: “I am Vida and you are Mercedes.” Thanks for the lesson, Vida. Now can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? MJ, perhaps choose a Persian icon next time? Maybe Googoosh?Now let’s get to Persian Barbie’s Dirty Thirty Birthday Party and the infamous RSVP. Before we get to the RSVP itself, let’s talk about Reza’s peace offering to MJ and reaching out to her. I know that took a lot for him, and I’m happy to see the two long time besties on the mend. I’m not even going to comment on the fact that it took MJ over half an hour to get Reza a drink and put her roses away. What was that? You can’t even blame Persian time on that one. 

As for the RSVP, I have to side with MJ on this one. You may disagree with me, but an Evite is not a formal invitation for a big PROM birthday party. If Lilly is going to such great lengths to spend that much money on a birthday party with costume changes and a tiara, you’d think she’d spring for real invitations, not a free Evite. It’s not like she can use the excuse of being green and going paperless, because you don’t see homegirl driving a Prius or hugging trees. The amount of aerosol hairspray she uses in one sitting is enough to puncture a hole in the ozone. Not to digress, but do you know how many times I’ve ignored Facebook invites and Evites? Or how many times I’ve overlooked them (accidentally)? I’ll always tell the host I’m coming at some point, like MJ did by texting, but Lilly’s inability to bend was really childish. 

On to the birthday party…

So, what was with Lilly’s tiara she was wearing in interview? Can the Persian Fashion Police please come to the rescue? Someone needs to tell her this is Shahs and not Toddlers and Tiaras. If you must, Lilly, at least wear a gold tiara! Sheesh! Don’t disgrace our heritage! 

I don’t know what I was more annoyed by: Lilly proclaiming herself Prom Queen or the fact that poor MJ wasn’t there. #LeaveMJAlone

I’m really proud of GG and the crew for standing up for MJ. What Lilly did was wrong, and I’m severely disappointed in her. I mean, come on, Lilly. You couldn’t possibly make room for ONE MORE person at Lisa Vanderpump’s bestie Mohamed’s Taj Mahal? Would MJ’s presence break fire code for max occupancy? 

Listen, I get it, it’s Lilly’s birthday and she can invite whomever she wants. But if she didn’t want MJ there, she shouldn’t have invited her in the first place. Not even as formality! Hopefully Lilly can redeem herself this season, but she has a lot of work to do. The only good thing that came out of the party was GG and Asa talking out their differences… and Coconut’s gown. And for the record, I vote Coconut Prom Queen. Sorry, Lilly. 

I’m excited for what’s to come this season! Looks like nakedness, partying, white water rafting, Mike and Jessica getting more serious, Vida joining the LPGA, a stand-off between MJ and Lilly, and an emotional trip to Turkey. It’s going to be amazing! 

See you next week!

Comment below or tweet me @nadinerajabi.

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most  importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.