Mariah Carey is that rare pop star who is both unrealistically glamorous, yet completely true to themselves. Everything about her is manicured to perfection — but it’s not shallow. Mariah Carey’s personality doesn’t feel screen tested or orchestrated for social media, she just understood how to commit to her brand before the rest of us even knew what a brand was. Today’s pop stars are spun sugar; Mariah Carey is cake. Rich cake. Of course, she’s not your average pop star of today — a diva this great is timeless, and here are just a few of the reasons we’re happy to watch her burn up the stage today, tomorrow, and for the rest of time:
1. It's never been her fault.
Mariah Carey’s biggest time of the year is Christmas. That’s when her hit “All I Want For Christmas Is You” starts circulating again, even though it’s a jam you can drunkenly belt along to at any time of the year. During a live performance on New Year’s Eve, Mariah had a technical snag following another flawless yuletide tour, and many viewers were scratching their heads, wondering what exactly was going on up there. Don’t worry. Mariah explained it all. She was sabotaged.
This is a classic deflection technique, and listening to Mariah carefully enunciate her self-defense in a Twitter memo is better than most concerts. More, please.
2. She’s got two mini-mes.
Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s adorable twins are pampered to death, but on the red carpet you gotta do what mommy wants to do—and sometimes she wants you to dress up like your parents for the cameras. We can just picture her saying, "Smile! Oh, you won’t? Daddy can deal with it while Mommy smiles then."
Even when they aren't dressed like their famous parents, these twins know how to slay a red carpet, just like their mama.
3. She gives lap dances generously.
At her Las Vegas show, the ripped men flow like water, and though she could easily keep them all for herself, Mariah Carey is benevolent in her excess. Here she generously donates some muscle to Blac Chyna. Though she does make Blac Chyna wear a blindfold. It’s the subtle power moves that make a diva.
4. She has a sense of humor.
Nick Cannon recently had a child with someone who isn’t Mariah Carey. Most people would probably expect someone of Mariah’s stature to object or make a scene over her ex moving on. Nope. She’s giggling about it. In an interview with Power 106 Los Angeles, Nick said that Mariah seemed to find the whole thing kind of funny. “She came at me first about it, so it was actually easier,” he said, “I wasn’t even talking about it. I don’t know how she heard about it, but she called me, and she was funny with it. She was like, ‘Mhmmm, I heard about you out here in these streets.'” She hears all, she sees all, she’s fine with it.
5. She found a billionaire, then went for a hottie.
Mariah is rich, but she was once engaged to a billionaire. A billionaire. Rumors swirled that her fiancé James Packer broke up with her because he was unhappy with her relationship with her choreographer, Bryan Tanaka. Turns out, he was right to be suspicious. Mimi doesn’t need anyone’s money, so she chose the guy who looks great feeding her grapes shirtless. He’s probably nice too, or whatever.
6. Her workout look is fancier than your date night outfit.
If you can do your cardio in heels and fishnets you might be Mariah Carey.
7. She still doesn't know her.
No one suggests that she’s greater than every other singer on the planet without actually saying it better than Mariah Carey does. Getting a compliment from the pop star still sounds like an insult, but in the best way.
8. All I want for Christmas is her.
Yes, her holiday anthem was already mentioned, but it needs to be said again: she sings the greatest Christmas ballad of all time. And now it’s being turned into a cartoon movie, which is perfect. The sooner you start schooling your kids about Mariah Carey, the better.
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