Bird Flu

Hello Matchmaker fans!

It feels like it's been eons, and in a way it has. But here we are on Tuesdays now, which is really great because I like to go on dates on Thursdays, and this way I can use my Patti pearls then. Just to give you some insight into my personal life, about which you probably care very little.

Anyway let's talk about what's important here -- Ms. Stanger and the young men she helped this week.

Don't: Cry in your soup
When Patti sat down to discuss social media with her expert she made mention of girls "crying into [their] soup," and just the thought of that really disturbed me. Ladies, if you're going to cry don't do it into a soup. That's just super sad. I mean I guess it's better than crying on crackers, but Jeez Louise, is that a pathetic thought. Perk up women of the world. There's a man right around the corner.

Do: Give romance-novel kisses to Jenny McCarthy -- if the opportunity presents itself
Patti's first young client is Bill, an Eric Stoltz-style gingy looking to find love away from the computer screen. In the land of Palo Alto, there hasn't been a girl to help him get out from behind the desk and onto the playing field, so Patti decides to test his game -- with Singled Out alum Jenny McCarthy. Jenny is a perfect fit because she loves nerds (Jim Carrey also has a touch of ginger about him, just to drive this point home). And so, Patti throws young Bill right to the wolf.

He did amazing, complimenting her eyes/boobs, and talking enough about kisses to make Patti "wet" (her words). Here's hoping he does that phenomenally at the mixer.

Do: Wear a bra
As Patti showed one possible dater, there is always cleavage there. Sometimes you just have work harder to showcase it.

Do: talk about pop culture, but don't "Dougie"
As Bill so unfortunately, proved, this is not the optimal mating dance. I do hope Patti downloaded the track after the mixer though. No one should live a life without this song. It's a jam.

Do: 5 second flirt
Learn a lesson from Jenny McCarthy –- break the gaze. Don't just stare fellas. It's uber creepy.

Don't: peck
As Patti mentioned to Bill, pecking is for birds. And after a day of losing carnival games to Tracy, Bill should have gone a bit bigger on the Ferris Wheel. Winning at the Strong Man game isn't enough to prove that you'e no dork. As Patti said, "You're not allowed to peck any more. Pecks are for birds. Nobody wants to marry a bird." You're not exactly giving them the kiss that kills, unless you have the bird flu.

Don't: Make girls workout on a date!
Hot yoga? Hot yoga!?! If you can say, "you're going to schvitz a little bit," the task is too strenuous. When will you learn men of America? Let the ladies look nice out of the gate. Then get more active as things progress. Jen hung in there though, and by the time these kids went to dinner, she had cleaned the downward dog sweat off of her and was ready for Sky's more evening appropriate questions and hanging out. Granted he still asked her out via text, but baby steps. C minus is still a passing grade.

Next week, Patti meets her match, in drag queen form. This is bound to be a delight.