Real Live Michelangelo Fingers

She's baaaaaaaaack! We're back to the land Patti Stanger loves the most. The California daters tend to be a little more accepting of our gal. Perhaps it's the fresh smoggy air that makes them more open-minded. Anywho, as a single lady myself, I'll be watching this season with a careful eye to the lessons Patti can teach me. So follow along as we see what Commandant of Courting has taught us.

Do: Wear a headscarf while single and driving a convertible.

 Can we just talk for a minute about Patti wearing a head scarf when she's driving across L.A.?

I'm not sure why this to me was such a highlight of the episode! I just fell for how chic she looked. The pink with the leopard, with the braid. Way to take a cue from Bridget Jones' mini-break style, PS (Can I call you that?). Let's take the scarf out on the town and find it a male ascot to mate with, you know what I'm saying. . .

Do: Shower often and in the middle of your dates

Patti's first bachelor is Gary, who's hilariously from New York. She just can't get away. Gary's an internet empire type -- who actually owns a dating website of some kind, interestingly enough. He wants Patti to find him a lady that loves boats. Boats are like A, Number 1 requirement. Not far behind: hygiene. If you go on a date with Gary, and then you come home, you should take a shower, like before moving it to the bedroom or the living room, of anywhere. I'm curious if he has an outdoor shower at his house to facilitate this, or if he just herds his would-be mates into the bathroom upon arrival. Gary retreats a bit on this when Patti questions him about it (spurning her to believe he might have multiple personalities), but it's still an important lesson to learn. Cleanliness? Who knew.

Don't: Be tilted

You're titled. Fix that. Also get your teeth fixed is a general good tip-a-roo. But worth repeating if it means we get to hear Patti hum the Jaws theme song.

Do Have "Michelangelo fingers"

There are a lot of things I worry about on first dates. Am I talking too much? Do I laugh weird? Am I going to have to eat in front of him? Is that food in his teeth or is that how his teeth actually are? Never have I worried that my fingers weren't Michelangelo enough. But I’ve never been out with Michael.

Patti knew off the bat that this guy might have been a touch too handsome and perfect to need her services. I found the first red flag to be the fact he was blatantly hitting on Patti. No wait, I was suspicious when he was casually making a sculpture and holding a Grandma Wrinkles cat. His diverse interest and use of the word "fantastico" really set some bells and whistles off for me.

So Patti was from the get-go was worried he might be too perfect -- and she was right! His date was a photoshoot where he berated poor Tammy's ability to climb sexily out of a suicide door. I personally don't want someone I don't know if I ever want to see again having photos of me, lest I find out on Date 2 that he's produced a calendar and scheduled the next year of our life together. But at least I've learned that I should indeed be more cautious that I pose my fingers as though I was just grasping for God himself.

Next week Tori Spelling tries to find a date for her miniature chicken. Just kidding! Donna Martin is there teaching us about how women can have it all, chickens, scones chickens can eat, time with their families, etc. etc.

What else did you learn from this episode? Leave your favorite Pattism in the comments.