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I can't believe we're at the end! It has definitely been a "journey" and I've learned a lot and literally seen myself in a whole new way. I'm still getting used to my life playing out in such a public way. With that said, at the end of this season I can say that I've enjoyed it all and enjoyed the interaction and feedback from all of you.
So now let's get into the episode.
I left the hotel the night before worried if Vawn was OK. The next morning he came by my house to talk and while I knew he was still upset I was glad that he had started to cool down. I understood how he felt but also hoped that it would be resolved.
When I got Tribble's text I didn't know how it was going to all play out. I never really knew how the conversation outside went until I saw this episode. All I knew is that Vawn said Tribble apologized and that it was done. I respect that they have differing opinions but glad that Tribble apologized and they can move on.
The rest of rehearsal was great! I feel like so much focus has been on my personal life, and I'm glad to finally get to show more of what I really do and love. The band sounded phenomenal and Monica and Megan and I were putting the final touches on the show. I was nervous about our new song from Vawn, Jazze, and Gas because they were going to be front and center at the show and I was still working out all the kinks. But that is what rehearsal is for!
Smith's Olde Bar is an institution on the live music scene in Atlanta. I'm so honored that we've been able to (now) play multiple shows there. All of the booking agents, staff, sound engineers, and light techs have been wonderful and our entire cast thanks you very much. This sound check was WAY better than our last one!
I'd also like to clarify something about The Lipstick Junkies. . .we are not a singing group or a girl group. The full title of our show is The Lipstick Junkies featuring Black Caviar and The Ray of Sunshine. It is a 12 person production that was created by the three of us. Monica, Megan, and myself are the creators and executive producers and Monica is our writer/director. We have poured our talents, time, and finances into this show and I couldn't be more proud of where we have come since our preview show many months ago.
My career has taken many twists and turns and I'm thankful that I'm able to support myself solely as a working performer, actress, and model. I do feel like I am at the right place at the right time with the right people. Moni and Megan are not just my partners but my REAL friends. We support each other, we protect each other, and I do believe that we have something very special with the Lipstick Junkies show. It was interesting to know that Emily finds it hard to be my friend sometimes. Monica and Megan and I work, travel, create, and rehearse together and have never spoken to each other the way she spoke to Emily 2. Maybe I should ask Emily 2 if it is hard for her to be Emily's friend sometimes??? Anyway. . .
Now on to the show! The place was packed and I felt super nervous but ready to go. The energy of the room was electric and the band sounded amazing! We are backed by The Good Times Brass Band. . .these guys have played for everyone in the business and I'm proud to call them colleagues and friends.
And yes I totally had my "show must go on" moment when I dropped my microphone LOL! But you keep it moving! The rest of the show went off without a hitch and we were all on Cloud 9.
When I am on stage I'm in a zone so I didn't realize Vawn had left until the end when I was in the crowd hugging Jazze. I had no clue what was going on in the alley so while I thought it was strange he had disappeared I didn't give it much thought because I was still on my high from the show. We were partying and there was that massive cake.
Now that I do know what was happening I feel like this. . .in that moment it was about their choices not mine. My castmate (in her words) was going to show Vawn that she was the "number one" pick, so she chose to show up and ask him to leave. Vawn had to choose to leave or stay at my show. I'll say again that when Vawn came back inside I didn't know where he had been or why. When I asked him and he said it was nothing I took it as that and went on with my night.
How could I have known ALL of that was going down in the alley??? But again they both made their choices and it is what it is. I'm not going to bash my castmate about it because it isn't neccessary. I didn't "win" anything and in my eyes what Vawn chose in that moment had more to do with him than me. He chose to keep his word and take my feelings and our friendship info account and I appreciate that. There is nothing surprising or shocking to me about that.
I know that many of you feel I've been dumb, stupid (your words LOL), and waaay to easy on Vawn. Here's the thing, I have been blind, deaf, and dumb for love in my life. . .we all have. But not in this situation. I'd like to clear this up as well. I did not fall in love nor am I in love with Vawn. This entire season everyone from viewers to my castmates has called Vawn my man and my boyfriend. . .except me. We are friends.
I also accept that your perceptions of me and my decisions are based on snippets and moments. Do I care about him? Absolutely. Over the course of this show and since we've finished we've continued to get to know each other and he's become one of my closest friends and the best "non-relationship" I've ever had. Right now I am focused on my life and happiness and figuring out what I want and what will make me happy and work for me. Maybe Vawn will factor into that and maybe he won't. I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know that if you could see the real scope of our friendship outside of the moments and snippets you've seen you would be VERY surprised. Hmm. . .maybe I should write a book?! LOL
I know this blog is loooooong, but since it is the last one I wanted to make sure I addressed as much as possible. This has been an amazing ride for me. . .even with the highs and lows. I grew up painfully shy (and to some degree still am), so being a part of this show was a way for me to start overcoming that fear. . .the fear of messing up, fear of making mistakes, of being judged. I've realized though there is no avoiding all of that. I will mess up, I will make mistakes, I will be judged. . .and it is OK.
Thanks to filming this show and facing those fears I've gained a confidence I never would've had before. I'm excited about the next phase of my life and look forward to sharing it with you. I know that my story has resonated with many of you and I appreciate ALL of the comments (good and not so good). I don't have all the answers and I'm here trying to figure it out with all of you watching.
Thank you to Mona Scott-Young, Stefan Springman, and all of the producers (hey Angela, Davis, Jennifer, Michael!), staff and crew at Eastern TV for taking such good care of me. It's been a wonderful opportunity, but more than that it has been a chance to grow in a way that I never would've been able to do with out it -- so thank you! Thank you to everyone at Bravo for welcoming me into the family. To Vawn, Sincerely, Emily, and Tribble -- we survived! And to all of you. . .the biggest "Thank You" of all. Our stories were nothing without you to watch them.
Until we meet again.