The Rachel Zoe Saga: Breaking Dawn

I hope you packed your Prada because this week Rachel and Rodger are on the move. First our boy Rodg, is bro-ing out in Vegas, complete with a chicken finger-filled morning after that I related to on multiple levels. Then the whole Berman brood is packing up and moving to their new digs –- if Jeremiah can fill the house with enough all white furniture in time. . . Let’s get to it shall we.

Orville Zoe-enbacher

This is how Rachel Zoe makes popcorn: Think about what you were wearing the last time you popped some Orville B.’s, was it a Burberry sweater? Did you have your bestie/assistant there to let you know if it was burning? Probs not. Don’t let it get to you.

The Hangover

After pleading, Rachel finally lets Rodg escape to Las Vegas. Before he bros out (but after he’s checked in with Rachel), Rodg gives an adorable speech to his unborn tot. His sweet toast is probably the most adorable, heartfelt thing that’s ever happened to Vegas. And then this happened:

Also I hope that anytime during her pregnancy when Rodg called Rachel he asked “Is she putting cream on her belly?” Rodger deals with his hangover by sending the Palms concierge to buy her an Hermes locket, which is really good because it’s not like Rachel bought herself anything.

Putting Lipstick on a Zoe

Quickly, it’s back to business. While Jeremiah tries to find all the albino homegoods in the world, Rachel is shooting a lipstick commercial and doing additional homework by putting Anne Hathaway in eight Oscar dresses. We quickly find that Rachel should maybe leave the acting to her Catwoman counterpart. Memorizing lines is not nearly as second nature to her as memorizing designer pronunciations. My favorite critique of her acting came from Joey, who gently mentioned “You can’t talk and smile at the same time.” We’re sure Meryl Streep got that same note once Rachel, don’t get down-trodden.

In the end the commercial goes off fine, and Rachel and Rodg retreat to the hotel to stream New York Fashion Week shows in bed and wait for their abode to be built. The most glorious moment of which was most definitely her phone call with the one and only Michael Kors who asked the question that’s on everyone’s mind, “Are you in floating caftans?”

Rachel then explained that she’s Benjamin Button, which makes a lot of sense.

White on White on White

As the legion of Zoe employees feverishly packs her home, Jeremiah is forced to pace in his fedora and await deliveries. As is want to do in these situations, nothing is going right, so far a day bed, two lamps and Joey with coffee is all that has arrived at the house. This is not a good sign. But after a good night’s rest (or two hours of terrorizing nightmares on the floor of the master bedroom), Jeremiah is feeling refreshed enough to scream some sense into the movers and manage to pull it all off. The Zoe-ettes arrange the closet in descending tank top order, and it’s time for Rachel and Rodger to see the finished product. And. . .

It's the sexiest thing Rodger has ever f—kin' seen!

They love it! Rachel thinks he killed it. Hoorah. Look into her eyes and know that she loves it. What a lovely home Peanut will have.

Next time is Oscar week, Typhoid Mary or not. . . .