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I May Vomit In My Mouth.

Bethenny Frankel thinks the ATL Housewives are just a tad bit over the top.

Last week was hard to top, so parts of this week's episode were a bit of a snooze.

We launched with DeShawn, her unrealistic goal of a million dollars raised in a night and Rita, her event planner. For the record, even during a financial boom, millions in a night is beyond a realistic goal. Big charities like the Robin Hood Foundatioin make a few million in a night, and they pull out all the stops to do so.

In a perfect world, people would just write checks to every charity without needing to be entertained. The reality is that there is a different event every night, people go to the best ones, and once there, if entertained, buzzed, and feeling good and special, the checks start flying.

Please can we discuss Kim's hot pink shiny lips. Honestly. I just can't get over her. i'll excuse her for that because of the utterly classy way in which she ordered "Dom" with her friend at lunch talking about how she didn't want to "use" cheap champagne. New money doesn't even start this conversation, and if you've seen my show, then you know that i'm not exactly hanging out with Whitneys and Vanderbilts. This new money, however, takes the term to a new level. Money really doesn't buy you class. It does buy you a lot less.

I find the forced, inauthentic mutual lovefest between Kim and Sheree almost unwatchable (almost being the operative word). Two weeks ago, NeNe is Kim's rock, her girl, they're best friends. In fact, Kim is so loyal that she leaves Sheree's party because NeNe isn't on the list and NeNe is kind enough to witness the roadside, gas station pit crew wardrobe change.

Well, things change quick, because Kim and Sheree are new BFFs and Kim is sweet enough to bring Sheree some meds. NeNe frankly couldn't care less if Sheree chokes on her own vomit and Kim even comments that NeNe would most likely poison Sheree if given the chance. I did particularly like NeNe's eloquence when she said she hoped Sheree would flush her head down the toilet. I wouldn't mind watching that. Maybe season 2.

Off topic: Please can we discuss Kim's french manicure again? Is it 1988, because i haven't had fake nails and a french manicure since i had skin-tight jeans, bright red lips and a perm to make Latoya Jackson look tame. Less is more Kim. Oh and thanks for the constant cleavage. Please don't disappoint. I feel like she's about to breast feed every time i see her yet there is no baby in sight.

Now to NeNe. I love you girl. I really do. This show is nothing without you, but you outdid yourself with your rack in that royal blue slutty top. Buy yourself an over the shoulder boulder holder and reel those puppies in.

As for everyone's comments about the idea of having charity invitations on every store counter in Atlanta, they are spot on. This is just absurd. The million dollars is an equally absurd goal, but the idea of a high-profile charity event is to make it exclusive and make it seem like a hot ticket item, a private engagement, and a place for the select few. Perception is reality. The reality here is that this was set up to be a disaster of epic proportion.

It is now official. I don't like Sheree. There, I said it. One of her loveliest comments of the week was saying to the audience that we would be unhappy too if we were NeNe. Also, it is now Kim's turn to start kissing Sheree's ass, throw NeNe under the bus and begin a compliment marathon back and forth between herself and Sheree. That could make me pray to watch paint dry.

My favorite was the spa afternoon where Kim and sheree continue to compliment each other back and forth. It makes Simon and Alex from my show look tame. You're so pretty. No, you're skin is so beautiful. No you're so beautiful. I think i just threw up in my mouth. "You're stupid beautiful" was my favorite.

You have to love Ed Hartwell. He is so cute and sweet at the jewelry party, and i enjoyed his speedo moment. He's got a great sense of humor, and I love that he "mooned" the crowd. Just a cute scene. I'm not into really built men, but anyone can see that he has a nice ass. NeNe had a meeting with her "gay boyfriend" Dwight Eubanks. I agree with Dwight's perspective that in order to raise money, there needs to be a ticket price for an event of this caliber. Otherwise, you'll get random stragglers showing up just for the free booze and food. Dwight was spot on!

As for Lisa, I agree with one of the bloggers who said she's a bit hyper (not that i should talk). She's all over the place, and I think it's sweet that her husband says he married her for her personality, and I do love that she works and works it like no one else on the show. She obviously doesn't have to and I love her husband getting her back in all ventures. They're partners. They're a team. That's attractive, and i would know given that i'm fighting the fight on my own.

OK, now we need to review the lovefest again which really began during the spa day. My personal favorite line of the week was when NeNe declined the spa day saying "i'm not going to pretend to like your ass" when referring to Sheree. I mean is this stuff for real? I think I might start saying that to people during my business meetings. I laugh out loud, but i do admire her staying true to her feelings. Like NeNe, I myself don't pretend to like anyone's ass if i don't. Still laughing.

Now to the breaking of bread between Kim and Sheree. The topic of conversation seemed to be "if you got it you got it." I wonder if these girls will be consulted to discuss the state of the economy before our next president enters the oval office. Their toast was "Here's to being real." I'll toast to that, but will someone please let me know who they're toasting to. I also liked when the daughter called Kim out on the smoking. This is purely personal. I hate smoking -- my favorite moment of the season was kim trashing her own lawn as if it were the grandstand at the racetrack.

I do have something nice to say. Can you believe it? What I want to say is that Sheree's children seemed polite and sweet in the short time that I saw them. We had a token conversation about Sheree's clothing line which gracefully moved into the very spiritual and intellectual conversation between Sheree and Kim about whether they were always beautiful and how being beautiful means being able to pick any man that you want. Kim made it clear that she wasn't always her beautiful self and Sheree, of course, let us know that she is and has always been perfect. Then kim continued to kiss Sheree's ass by telling her that her incredible beauty makes her seem like a bitch. Again, i may vomit over this level of self-involved discussion. I'm not exactly on a PBS educational show, but this feels like another level of superficiality. Again, I am a hypocrite and will watch every word these women utter, but i have to comment.

This is trainwreck television at it's best. Now we move to Lisa's jewelry party. She is bouncing off the walls, and damn straight she is motivated. She's a business person. We got that. What else? Is she complex? Tortured? We need something else. Im definitely a business person, but when i launched on my own trainwreck of a show, I unleashed and revealed all my texture and damage and let the cards fall where they may. Without more from Lisa, we'll get more bored than I may already be getting. She got a good deal with a distributor; this seems like this will be a good venture. Enough said there. We need more drama. This week Dwight takes Bryce for a suit. Dwight makes Brad (Jill's gay husband from my show) look like an NFL football player. The voice, the hair, and the gold woven bag in particular put me over the edge. This scene bored me a little too. Why the urgency for a soon to be college student to own a suit worth over six grand? Someone explain this to me, and no a college boy doesn't need a pink tie.

So now we go to DeShawn's charity event. Sheree makes another modest set of comments including "I am fashion" and "I have impeccable taste and "I will the the best dressed." It really is good to see people setting their goals so high. She wears Dolce and Gabanna, shows up in a full-length fur that would make you sweat in Aspen and is quite shocked when there is no coat check. Kim also wore Dolce and Gabanna which was convenient when the mutual fawning over one another began between her and Sheree. This drove NeNe crazy. I get that it is annoying that NeNe's friend Kim just dissed her for her enemy, but it is a bit high school and it doesn't seem like any of these girls are genuine friends. If i'm falling off a cliff and asking for someone's hand, I'm asking Ed, DeShawn's husband, NeNe, then DeShawn to save me.

NeNe looked nice in her dress. I liked this look for her. DeShawn's dress was very pretty and looked great on her. Thanks to Big Poppa because Kim bought a bracelet made of her favorite things: diamonds and pink. Thank god for charity and thank god for Big Poppa.

All the girls, however, were correct in thinking that this was not the cash-dropping crowd. DeShawn was way too lax in discriminating her crowd. Dwight was right. Sell tickets at a high price, have fewer people, and those people will buy your high-ticket items. Know your audience. I always believe in quality over quanitity with these things.

The auction was horrid and dreadful and utterly embarrassing. Poor NeNe had to be part of that disaster. The items would be announced and you would hear crickets. What do you expect from a party of single women? The cast themselves said that this crowd couldn't afford the money. Poor DeShawn. Do it right or don't do it at all. She seemed very upset and even seemed to be crying. It didn't, however, affect her costume change into the red dress. This stuff is too funny. Then we find out that they didn't exactly raise a million but all in they lost 20K.

Here's a tip DeShawn: Next time send the girls the 20K and let everyone stay home. Charities are no joke. We all learned that. Especially in this economy, if your goal is to get people to cough up money for a cause, you better be organized, better give people an event to remember and you better be selective with your list. She made some expensive mistakes (as DeShawn's husband pointed out) and he is sweet enough to stand by her.

Her heart was in the right place. She was trying to give back and help. I'm just sorry to see such a waste of an opportunity. The business person in me has a hard time with that. Sorry I was a bit more negative and bitter in this blog. This was my least favorite of the episodes. The weeks before were a lot to live up to. I found parts boring and the women really didn't bring much texture.

Better luck next week.

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