Recap: Hot Pockets, Cold Behavior

Ep 5: NeNe shares her love of Hot Pockets with the world, while Phaedra and Joyce are giving the cold shoulder.

Brrr! Grab a warm weave, because there was a lot of icy cold behavior this week.

First off Phaedra taught us all that you should never piss off a Scorpio, because they will "kill you with silence as well as other things." In this scenario as Phaedra ships out to her mortuary science study group, the other thing is evidently the car door, which she slams right in Apollo's face after telling him they're not speaking right now. And clearly she means business.

Oh and we also learned Phaedra has a passion for coinage.

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After nearly losing his nose to that car door, Apollo turned to Peter for a much needed bro perspective on the whole situation. And what was Peter's best piece of wisdom for Apollo? Evidently he should have just told Phaedra: "The only person I want to be on my dick is you." That's how you melt a woman's heart guys, take note!

Side Note: Apollo, you're really not helping yourself out by continuously pointing out that you could have, yet did not, "smash" Kenya. Leave smashing out of this conversation.

Kenya finally found a place that does not have a white refrigerator, and the world breathed a sigh of relief. When Kenya called NeNe to announce this exciting development, two great things happened: 1. NeNe answered the phone with "Girl, what do you want?" 2. NeNe offered up the services of a local handy man, who may or may not be an escort of some type based on the very sexual pipe cleaning conversation that ensued.

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Also Miss Lawrence was there to help Kenya unpack, but of course he wore heels (I'd expect no less), so it's questionable how much help he ended up providing.

Meanwhile NeNe and Cynthia went food shopping, although evidently they really would have preferred to be in a bar.

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Cynthia shared the news that Noelle wanted to start dating, and NeNe shut that idea down real quick. It was actually hard to tell whether she was more against the fact that Noelle wanted to date or that she wanted to date someone named Arthur. Either way, NeNe let it be known she was not into the idea of letting 13-year-olds date and loaded up Cynthia's cart with carrots in the hopes that she might see the situation a little clearer. Clearly NeNe is worried that Cynthia's veering too far into Mean Girls "cool mom" territory.

Also we learned that NeNe loves Hot Pockets. Like really, really loves Hot Pockets. Enough so that she made this face simply upon laying eyes on one:


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Todd returns home after a business trip to find a lovely dinner prepared (by a private chef) and a very excited Kandi. However even the chef's hard work couldn't take the edge off of Kandi delivering the news about what Mama Joyce has been saying to her about Todd, and they decide it's time to have a sit down with her about it. At which point the chef was probably like, "Great, another meal I'll be making that no one will get to enjoy..."

Tweenage love was in the air at Cynthia's house when Arthur and his mom came over to talk about the whole dating situation. Noelle couldn't open the door for her boyfriend because she was so nervous. Clearly this is the love of her life.

Then Peter went ahead and scared the bejeezus out of the young Arthur by giving him the death stare for calling him Peter rather than Mr. Thomas and then calling him out for looking at him while talking. So after taking a good 3-5 years off this boy's life, Peter made his exit, Cynthia and Arthur's mom talked over the situation, and Noelle and Arthur had a delightfully awkward exchange, which made me oh so glad I am no longer 13.

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Porsha went apartment shopping, but after seeing a large closet that allegedly was nowhere near large enough, Porsha decided she needed more time at home with her mom, land of never-ending pancakes.

Over in Alabama a motley crew of aspiring embalmers met for a study group, including Phaedra, a man with dapper socks, and Phaedra "thick pork chop" friend Amber. Luckily the baby brain didn't affect Phaedra too much and she was able to rattle off all the different types of radiation, which somehow must come into play during the embalming process.

Then we come to one of the more uncomfortable Housewives dinners ever. And that's saying something.



Joyce clearly wasn't here to make any friends, and off the bat straight up ignored Todd and greeted the dog instead. Then there was the rehashing of how the ring wasn't good enough for Kandi. And also some vaguely threatening statements about how Joyce takes the slick out of slick and has eyes everywhere.

Also she did a dramatic reading of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," changed the words at the end to "keep me off your ass," and finished it with this motion.

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So yeah, not sure how productive this dinner was, but hey, at least the pie was good.

And in case you were wondering, yes, Joyce goes can go even further off the rails. Next week it looks like she's ready to throw down with Kandi's friend Carmon at a wedding dress fitting.

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