Hello Beverly Hills lovers. I can't believe you answered my call, er, recap. I guess you love me more than Lisa Vanderpump. (Just kidding Lisa, I think the lack of ladies answering you phone was just a fluke. They were probably just all driving through tunnels and getting terrible reception.) The quotient of oddities in this episode is so high I'm frankly unsure of how to even recap it. I mean, just look at this:
You have a camel (a better behaved one than the one the Countess rode), a mermaid (an especially vocal one at that), drum circles, strange dancing, people sliding down banisters, secret bedrooms, Kyle Richards showing that she is exceptionally flexible, Mohamed's fembot girlfriend. . . I could go on and on. Truly in the cannon of Housewives parties, this leaps to the forefront.
Thus, instead of the usual recap, I've decided to hand out awards this week. There is simply too much greatness at this shindig to not spotlight all the delights and wonders therein. Come as I highlight the most amazing moments of this Moroccan-style evening.
First a non-party related award -- Best anesthesiologist look-a-like for Marky Marky: Paul's. Let me just put this out there Dr. Nassif -- if Kim doesn't want him, feel free to set him up with me. Despite not knowing what the half of his face that was covered by the surgical mask looks like, I'll date him. I'm sure if anything was less than ideal under there, you fixed it. Also, plase say hi to Mark Wahlberg's mother for me.
Worst Backpack: As Lisa was desperately trying to get the whole family to look their best for Pandora's engagement party, Max was nowhere to be found. And when he did arrive he was wearing a book bag. Lisa's shock at his satchel was truly hilarious. She was seriously disturbed by him wearing a backpack, and asked him why he was doing so about 70 times. It could have been that his pants were also sagging, but really why did he have that backpack on? Lisa needs to know!
Deserving of Acknowledgment: Lisa's husband Ken, oh darling Ken. When Lisa presented Pandora with an incredible necklace, made from a bracelet Ken had given her, and reminded her that mommy would always love her, Ken felt a little forgotten. His gentle reminder of "What about me? I'm paying for the wedding!" was precious. Of course, he did assert himself by giving Jason an amazing watch, so the lovebirds (parents and kids) were adored equally in the end.
Best Arrival: Camille, for gently nuzzling the camel and letting him know she understands him.
Close runner-up: Taylor, for really being a trooper despite her fear of snakes (and maybe camels). You made it in there honey, and that's half the battle.
Most Dedicated Performer: The mermaid. She was, as Camille said, really flopping around out there. Also she was the one who slid down the banister, which is just a nice way to remind people that the party is downstairs. "Come on down, the tent is just warming up. Let me show you the way by tightly clutching the railing and slowly careening down the banister."
Best Reaction: Adrienne for popping up with appropriate disgust and confusion when Taylor asked if she called Paul "daddy" during sex. The internet needs to make that a GIF immediately. Also, as Taylor mentioned, "Where is Daddy?" I'd love to see the gent who earned this moniker from his wife.
Awkwardest: Taylor and Lisa's interaction. I hope the mermaid kept these two apart as much as possible, because their tete-a-tete at the fete was icy. Time will tell how these two work it out, but it definitely won't be at this party, no matter how many animals and faux fish-people tried to help smooth things over.
Best Drumming: Camille. We knew she had rhythm, but dang girl. Perhaps you should start a cross Housewives band. The Countess does love a good drum accompaniment.
Best Reason to Miss the Party: Because you're vibin' with your secret boyfriend. Kim is packing not just to move -- but to move in with her man. And -- quell surprise! – Kyle has never met the fellow.
The greatest revelation in this scene, to me, was that they met at the mailbox. Perhaps this is why I'm single, as an apartment dweller I don't have mailboxes to hang around and wait for men to possibly date.
Princess and the Pea-est: Paul. The mattress is lumpy? Sorry Mohamed didn't know your sleep number when he installed his secret bed. I'm sure he'll do better next time.
Most Flexible: Kyle Richards. I mean just watch.
I mean, that was something.
Most like Dave Navarro: This guy.
Next week the ladies do even more pampering at "Paul's Night of Beauty" and the ladies contact the other side in a séance. I don't think you need a Ouija board to know that it's going to be awesome.