First, I just want to say thank you again for tuning in!
I want to make a quick mention about the overall feel of this week’s episode. If you’ve noticed, I’ve approached each one of the women with intentions to make amends and develop some form of a relationship. But in their confessionals, all I hear is that they want nothing to do with me. This hurts and confuses me, because to my face they seem so genuine and receptive of the effort I put in, but later I find out that it was for nothing. Effort was made on my end; I just wish they could see that.
Now onto the episode deets…
THE Heidi Dillon: What I love about Heidi is that she is loud and proud and freakin’ fabulous. The reason why she is “Heidi Effin’ Dillon” is because she’s effin’ EPIC. I’m attracted to big personalities, and there’s no personality bigger than Heidi’s in Dallas.
I think Heidi really nailed down who Cary is: Cary wants everyone to believe she is perfect, and it bothers her when people like Heidi and myself can live our true lives, be our true selves: loud, proud, fun and obnoxious –- no hiding the real. Look, the party was actually really fun until Cary showed up. When Cary walked into the party, the temperature in the room dropped about 50 degrees. So if Cary felt like things were a little awkward, they weren’t awkward until she got there. #PayAttention
Watching that conversation with Stephanie was hard. Not because of the conversation itself, which I thought had gone really well, but what was said behind the scenes in her confessional. I struggled for a good four days on how to call Stephanie and ask her for a meeting so that I could apologize in person, because I felt like that apology was so necessary. Watching the episode back, I realize now that I don’t think I owed Stephanie quite the apology I gave her, especially after hearing how she went into the conversation with such preconceived notions. The night I “flipped out,” she had truly provoked me when she said, “Classy.” She made her move and wasn’t prepared to deal with it.
The truth is, I was terrified to call her and try to make amends, because I was scared it would do more harm than good, but I sucked it up and did it anyway because I felt it was the right move. Then she said that this apology was all for me? Wait a second. You think I wanted to do that? You think I wanted to swallow my pride and face up? No. But I did what I ALWAYS DO. OWN IT… THEN she used the word “narcissist.” Wow, Stephanie. I made effort from the bottom of my heart with deep thought and concern about how to go about speaking with her. I wanted to be sure I considered her delicate nature, that I wasn’t offending her any more than I already had. At this point, I did what I could. Instead, she chooses to listen to Cary more than she does her own thoughts.
Moving on. The charity event.
Oh my god. Walking into the House of Blues knowing that Aaron was going to perform and that this was Tiffany’s special night was overwhelming me with joy and pride. I was so happy for them and proud of them. I think that night was beautiful. I think Aaron has an amazing voice and the songs he writes about Tiffany I can’t listen to without tearing up. The fact that my best friend, who is like my heart, has found someone to protect and care for her brings me more joy than I could ever express. I think Aaron dedicating a song to Brandi’s brother was absolutely beautiful and to the core of who he and Tiffany are. They are the caring, peacemaking couple, and I am so proud of them both and grateful to have them in my life.
Now onto something I wasn’t expecting. At all.
Honestly, I had been so focused on the fact that Brandi owed me an apology that I wasn’t interested in dealing with her at all. Once I heard the story of Brandi’s brother and what he’d gone through, it broke my heart. I’m very close to PTSD; I live with someone who suffers from it. So hearing about her brother and his struggles completely humanized Brandi to me. It took off my blinders which were full of hurt and anger and made me see Brandi’s heart. It bonded me to her more than she even realizes. I started looking at Brandi as a beautiful human. I was able to let go of the stupid pettiness and look at her as this human being with heart, soul, pain and suffering, as someone who needed love and empathy. I have that for her now. From the moment that I had that knowledge of Brandi and her brother, I have tried to deal with Brandi in a different way, one that brings me to a humble state of mind.
Now onto the gothic party. And Cary.
Cary’s behavior isn’t what upsets me. It’s Cary herself that upsets me. The problem that I have with Cary is that Cary has a problem with me. I love how she wants to come on camera and say that she’s been married three times and I can’t get even one and APPARENTLY that’s why I’m jealous of her. Let me get this straight. She’s destroyed two marriages, and I should be jealous of this? I have chosen never to be married because I take my vow in the house of God to God himself more seriously than anyone I know. I will not go into a house of God to marry someone unless I know that both of us are committed to making that marriage last FOREVER. My promise to God to be faithful and loyal and true to one man means something to me. I don’t know if Cary can say that she feels that way.
Now, although her behavior isn’t the thing that gets me upset, it’s still safe to say that it’s ridiculous. Her behavior at the party was uncalled for. She came in frozen and left the same way. She spent zero time trying to speak to anyone besides the dog, Brandi and Stephanie, and instead spent her time trying to sway opinions about how the evening was going. You know what her problem is? She can’t just let her guard down for a single moment to have a good time. That’s sad. Why do you feel the need to constantly be cold and uptight, Cary? Let your hair down, girl. It won’t kill you. Lighten up a bit! That was my whole reasoning for getting her to the party in the first place –- make some new friends and have some fun. #Fail
As always, watching these episodes isn’t easy. It’s full of anxiety, pain, sadness and sometimes clarity. I just want you guys to know that I appreciate you always tuning in, and I hope you get to see more of the other side of LeeAnne in coming episodes.
Stay tuned. Episode 8 reveals ALL my secrets!
Let’s chat on twitter @LeeAnneLocken