Frost/Vixen

Ah Miamians, it's all over but the shouting, or should I say snip-ing. The finale of Miami ended with slings and arrows that were so subtle you almost missed them. But like a worm in a Michelle Bernstein salad, they, and the answers to this season's great mysteries, were there.

Follow along with us, as we harvest the edible flowers and answers from the finale.

Lea Black is from Texas, y'all

Heritage can be difficult, so Cristy wanted to remind us of people's native lands. Cristy wants us to know Lea's from Texas. And she's Roy Black's wife. And she probably has friends in Texas. We sort of already knew those things, but Cristy's voice lends something sinister to that statement. I think I get it. Lea should be offended(?), maybe? It does get a little more straight-forward from there. Larsa confronts Adriana, while everyone else attempts to avoid the talk of birds (eagles, baby birds, dinner party fowl) and focuses on buying. Then Adriana models a swimsuit (while wearing her conveniently coordinated hat), giving Cristy even higher heights of insults. After that Marysol made the fabulous assertion, "I've always been attracted to people that are missing a few screws. You're not normal unless you're missing a few screws." Perhaps Adriana should check for the screws under her hat, or maybe Cristy and Larsa can tell her where to find them.

Blackberries are addictive

Has Marysol learned nothing from Lea Black? Blackberries are addictive. One can barely function once it's in your clutches. There's no going back from that. And later, when you try to show your little French fry the gloves Lea Black just sent you, or the hat you need for her luncheon, he will look up only briefly enough to do an adorable French person's laugh as you leave the room before returning to his furious email drafting.

There's a reason hotels have frosted glass

On Adriana and Frederic's romantic vacation, Adriana finally got to put the moves she used in her class to good use. If the ladies thought trying on a swimsuit and strutting about was showy, I'm sure there will be plenty of comments about this display, but I will only say this: now I understand why hotels have frosted glass in the bedrooms -- it's for sexy romance rekindling times. Also, I learned that one should never touch a frosted glass door in a hotel room. And one other thing: the best way to cajole your beau into proposing is to slather him in mud, tell him your ex-husband keeps calling you, and then give him a little striptease. Works like a charm every time.Why did Elsa think there was food in that box?

If you're an observant Elsa fan like I, you notice that a few weeks ago when Marysol modeled wedding dresses, Mama Elsa inquired if perhaps food was in the box that held those gowns. And after seeing the food at Marysol's dinner, we understand why. If Elsa's been dining on delights from Philippe's company, like bagged salmon, she's probably used to receiving Philippe's dishes in pre-packaged form. It's not that she was confused, or becoming senile, she's just conditioned to have a Pavlovian like response to cardboard boxes. 

Obviously, the entire dinner party solved everything we've ever wanted to know about the Miami gals in general, as Elsa read their auras and surmised each lady into a very neat little package. There's also something to be said here to some of the ladies about respecting their elders, but we'll let Marysol's blog handle that.

And finally, if a Michelle Bernstein salad forms in the Florida Everglades, will a Miami Housewife eat it?

Oh Lea Black. You and Ashton Kutcher have so much more in common than a love for trucker hats and your starring roles in My Boss's Daughter (just kidding). You both love punking people. And so when you sent the gals white gloves and told them your luncheon would be phenoms, you weren't exactly lying. You were just Stretch Armstronging the truth a little bit. The greatest mystery of all was would the ladies manage to totter on their little stilettos to the field and find something delicious to eat. Of course, in the end, the answer was yes. When Michelle Bernstein (all over Bravo this week!) showed up to make an organic and wonderful salad, I knew they would pull through, even if they had to have a hamburger afterwards. And in the end wasn't the greatest mystery of all that none of the other ladies chose to use their cooking lesson to exact revenge? How could Lea have been the only one with that idea?

Well that's it beach bums. I beseech you to stay out of the sun and enjoy yourselves until we meet again.