Hello my little South Beach snobs.
Welcome back to another week of Miami madness, which is convenient because it's also that time of year for March Madness, and it seems our housewives have taken the Ides of March to heart. This week's episode was all about trying new things, getting out of your comfort zone if you will. Experimenting.
Which is why we start with Scottie Pippen shirtless and talking to a rabbit.
Like any sports fan, Scottie's chillis on the weekend by watching some games with pals sans shirt. But then his brood arrives carrying a veritable traveling pet show. The menagerie of animals was Larsa's treat for the kids keeping their grades up. But the real treat is in store for the nanny who'll be playing Dr. Doolittle to the Pippen menagerie, since as Larsa mentioned, she's not so much an animal person. Scottie and Larsa, give it a try. Let those lizards roam free and see if you can walk and talk with the animals.
While Larsa was being a friend to the animals, Alexia was finding a swine for non-pet purposes. Upping the ante of the entire Housewives-at-home culinary exploits, Alexia was hosting a pig roast with hubby Herman. And she'd like to do this without touching the pig at all. She'd also not like Herman to touch her until he takes a chemical shower in hand-sanitizer. Though the pig loses his life for a greater good, Alexia decides to honor him as I would hope to be when I pass on: by covering the pig in a sheet and resting a scented candle on his filleted stomach. Truly a blessed moment, as was all of watching Alexia learn about the lechon tradition.
Meanwhile, Marysol and Philippe were holding their pre-washed hands without abandon over dinner. But what's this? The whole restaurant's empty. As Marysol mentioned, this is rather suspicious, unless of course you're eating at a rotten restaurant. But it seems the critics have not lambasted this place, instead it is fully vacant because Philippe is proposing! Did anyone else find Philippe's approach a touched subdued? I can only imagine the anxiety of proposing, but he seemed to just sail right through it, as calmly as Marysol told him he kissed her like she was a "McDonald's milkshake." I love a good French accent myself, which is why I spend every Thursday watching Eric Ripert's vlogs, so perhaps it's just their sophisticated French ways. Listening Philippe ask for Marysol's "hands," I would have said yes, too. Who wouldn't want to give life with a Frenchman a whirl?
They might seem relaxed about it, but those lovebirds are overjoyed. Overjoyed enough that they are going elope right to Aspen to pick up Shamrock Shakes and wed on a snowy mountaintop. Not a bad deal, but we feel like Elsa is going to be feeling slightly snubbed, no? Especially considering that box you brought over was filled with wedding dresses to try on and not food. C'mon bring your mother a snack, that bombshell deserves it.
There were a lot of fashionable moments in this week's episode, particularly this one that so quickly transported me to another time in Bravo history, I felt as though I had just stepped into a DeLorean. I'm not sure if it was the bright colors, or Lea's light-hearted approach to shopping, but all I could think of was Season 2's Santino Rice singing: "Lighten up, it's just fashion!" It's just fashion Lea Black, put that tie-dyed dress over your four sensible blazers backwards. Lighten up about buying an expensive dress that costs the same as hundreds of pairs of jeans. Let your sartorial-self free! Don't let the other ladies questions about your style choices hold you back. If you think you look good with a paper bag standing in for your boobs, you do, because you've got style Lea Black. And I love you for it.
Lea's clothes might speak volumes, but so do her actually words, as she got a bit chatty at the Cochon de Lait. Can you fault her? The cocktails at the pig roast rivaled the drinks from that other infamous dinner party from hell. But no matter how many cocktails you imbibe, it can be poor form to hurl out a joke about someone's legal resident status, even if you are friendly with the couple. We know Lea didn't mean any harm, but next time let's save the green card jokes for say the Honey-do shower instead of the instant the couple is announcing the engagement no? Let's go back into the comfort zone on that one. Though we did all learn an important etiquette lesson from Larsa: laughing at the end of a statement does not make that statement a joke. It just makes you a creep.
We've covered a lot of ground already but there is one more bit of March Madness to address, and that's Adriana's mini-breakdown (or breakthrough?). When she came to deliver Lea's portrait (which looks fab next to that gilded alligator by the by), things got a bit heady.
Fairy godmother Lea wanted to know what was up with Adriana's groovalicious ways at the club? Why was she Eddie Murphy "Partying All the Time" when she had a man at home? How was she handling the pressures of being a single mom? Should they have a barn-raising to pay for her Alex's school?
And just like in basketball she cried (I think that's how basketball works, I've only heard about it). She's got some tough decisions to make. Her and Frederic need to figure out a strategy, perhaps a no-look pass that lets them both pay for Alex's school? Perhaps they should drive the lane (aisle) and get married? Or perhaps it's the tip-off point to moving on?
And see what I did there? I tried something new by using basketball metaphors to solve Adriana's problems. Don't we all feel like we learned something?
Until next week my little hammys!