The Lea Black Guide to Life

Hello my Miamians,

Did you feel that stirring in your soul? Do you feel like you can do anything? Conquer the world? Soar to heights greater than you've ever imagined? I do, and the reason is Lea Black.

Before you say, "Duh, when is it not," I direct you specifically to her empowering words to the youth of Miami, and her equally empowering trench coat. After her blue-leopard cloaked speech, I felt as though I could for sure live my dreams. And in their own ways, didn't all of the ladies channel their own Lea Black this week? Even those that stood against her used her own "Secret"-like philosophies. Let's examine.

Marysol's wisdom: "I have acne. I'm overweight. I don't have any friends."

OK, OK. Hang on. We're not saying that Miss Marysol had anything on her face at her wedding day (or that the reason her and Philippe tied the knot solo is because they're friendless. Puh-lease. People with wine fridges/humidors like Philippe's have plenty of friends). We're saying it was the artist formerly known as Ms. Patton's ability to believe that the gondola would get the to-be-weds up the mountain that made Lea Black proud. Despite the her fear, she used Lea's "you put it out, there you get it back" thoughts to get up that mountain without incident -- which is impressive because I just saw that movie Frozen and I will never ride a ski lift again.

Marysol was moved, Lea, but self-admittedly you might not be able to tell because of the Botox (her words!).

Alexia: "It's everybody's responsibility in the world to contribute something."

And for this episode, Alexia's contribution was William Levy. And for that we are immensely grateful. Alexia, if you can pass along his contact information so I can book him for a similar, personal, James Deen photoshoot, that'd be fab.Adriana: "I'm not Tinkerbell, you're all going to wake up with a great life tomorrow."

Let's all allow Lea's words about not being able to provide a perfect life hover over us again. Imagine it as a tiny Disney-like echo, reminding the story's protagonist of his hero's words of wisdom. Lea Black can't provide a perfect life for anyone, even her fairy god subject Adriana. So when faced with baby-daddy drama and accusations that she sucks up to Lea so she'll play matchmaker, Adriana can simply retort with the above truism. Problem solved.

Cristy: "To speak to whatever it was that they would be open to and that they would want to hear." and "It could always be something, you get to choose."

Oh dear Cristy. It seems while Lea was working to woo her audience with the prose they were primed to hear, your dinner party compatriots did not feel the same way. You had just barely gotten a bite in before Adriana began her talk of birds, and disgruntled check writing. I suppose in actuality these two quotes not only don't apply to you, they are the opposite of applicable. Irony, or just proof that Lea Black really does run Miami?

Larsa: "The only person in the world that doesn't have a problem is a dead person."

Larsa darling, if only we could rewrite this pearl as: "The only person in the world that has a calm dinner party is a dead person." It's impossible to do that sort of thing really. At least now all the ladies know how to form mozzarella, and your chef friend Steve knows how to say balls in Italian.

Next week is the finale babies, and then the live reunion on Watch What Happens Live. I can hardly wait to see what that will bring. Until then I will be watching Elsa's greatest hits from WWHL to get me primed for more Clubhouse action.