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Rehashing and Hashing

Jay Mohr offers a comedian's take on Episode 3.

By Jay Mohr

Welcome back. You’d think it would be much easier for Teresa and Joe Gorga to simply sit down and talk to each other. Instead, we are treated to every other person on the show rehashing what they think the problem is, which in turn creates new problems and tensions. I’m not complaining. The more problems and arguments Bravo can juggle at once the better.

Episode 3 opens at Kathy and Richie’s house. I do not think these two have ever been filmed together while not eating. Somehow they don’t each way 300 pounds, and I resent them for this. If I have a Snickers bar in the middle of the night I blob out to over two bills. In her interview, Kathy says about Teresa at the fashion show, “You only get one chance to make a first impression.” Wait a minute. They are first cousins. Is Kathy implying that at Kim D’s (again with the Kims) fashion show her and her first cousin Teresa met for the first time? If that is the case, then yes, Teresa did blow it. But then again so did Kathy by wearing a live raccoon to The Brownstone.

We see Teresa at the photo shoot for her cookbook. The chef that is making the meals looks about as happy as Anthony Borudain if he had to cook for Rachael Ray. The food that he makes looks amazing, but Teresa seems to find a problem with all of the shots. “Shouldn’t this have a piece of parsley on it?” Yes, Teresa. Nothing moves cookbooks off the shelves faster than parsley.

In the thank God there are no second takes department -- Teresa explains to the clients and the publishers that there are too many “ingredientzes” that we as Italians never use. When asked for an example, Teresa says, “Like, um…cumin.” The people in the room politely ask, “Cumin?” Teresa seems confused like she isn’t sure if they are trying to trick her into saying the right thing or not. Teresa then says she doesn’t even know what cumin is, but since she has four children, I don’t believe her.

We cut to the Gorga household, where Giuseppe immediately smashes his sister in the face with a fork. Like father like son I guess. Melissa is wearing a t-shirt that says “Mommy” on it. Since Victoria seems to be the only person in the house that can probably read, it may be Melissa’s reminder to herself. Joe Gorga is incredibly horny and keeps trying to make love to his wife. Melissa explains that she is too tired for sex after a fashion show. Joe tells her it doesn’t matter and says, “You should wake up for me. Get a shot of espresso and roll over.” I think I heard the same sentence once on Oz. Joe tells Melissa he needs to have sex because he is “so filled with poison.” No, Joe, that’s cumin.

Jacqueline goes to a psychic who for some fantastic reason keeps saying “Oshley” instead of “Ashley.” The psychic’s house is decorated like the waiting room at Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Talk about putting all of your cards on the table! At one point there is a shot of the psychic’s table and there seems to be about a hundred and forty Tarot cards on it. A few more and she could wallpaper her house with them.

Albie and Christopher are beginning their move to almost New York, and at one point their friend Greg shows up. Umm, is Greg out of the closet? He seems a bit on the down low, and he is holding a tiny dog wearing a pink jacket. As I write this I realize that I have a teacup yorkie with a pink jacket. I carry the yorkie in her pink jacket in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier, and I personally am walking around with a Hermes man purse. So I guess the better question is am I out of the closet yet? No, not yet. Yet!

Jacqueline’s parents are visiting and the conversation turns to how hard Jacqueline had it when Miss Personality, Ashley (Oshley), was born. Jacqueline’s dad, Jerry, tells the story about how when Jacqueline found out what a dead beat her husband was, she took everything he owned, dumped it out into the courtyard, and told him to come and get it. I don’t know about you, but I was very uncomfortable when Jerry said that Ashley has an absentee dad with Chris sitting right in front of him. If I was Chris, I would have stood up and thrown all of Ashley’s stuff into the courtyard and told her to come and get it. Kudos to Chris for not even clearing his throat during this exchange. And super, super respect for being a great stepparent. Jacqueline’s dad, Jerry, seems to be making way too many excuses for Ashley. He even pontificates, “How many brothers does she have in Texas? Four?” Hate to break it to you, Jerry, but that is the kind of information you should have down cold. Is Jerry implying that the reason Miss Personality has it so hard is because she is from a broken home? Easy there, Pop. Most of us are from some type of broken home, and we aren’t walking drips. Hell, some of us even commute!

Towards the end of the discussion Chris jokes, “Maybe we should just throw her out.” Haha! (No seriously, Chris, you definitely should throw her out.) If Pia Zadora can overcome incredible troubles in the movie The Lonely Lady, than certainly Jacqueline and Chris can work their way through Ashley’s. (Am I gay?)

Kathy goes to Caroline’s to apologize but never says the words, “I’m sorry.” Their conversation never really goes anywhere, but I loved it because I kept dreaming that Kathy was a new Rachel Dratch character. If you do this, everything she says is funny on purpose! Kathy says in her interview that she doesn’t need anyone’s approval or anyone’s friendship. Apparently she also doesn’t need to blink. Wow! Go back and watch this interview again. Kathy’s eyeballs must be parched! Do not, repeat, do not challenge Kathy to a staring contest.

Back at the Gorga house, Melissa decides to give all the kids a bath. This could have been a very sweet and touching scene, but it gets a little creepy with all the sex talk. Joe has way too much sex talk while holding the baby. That is way too much sex talk with two toddlers in a bathtub. Where is Chris Hanson?

While watching this scene I slowly began to wonder if maybe Melissa just isn’t that into Joe. She keeps telling him that she is too tired to have sex. Too tired? I have given children baths before, and it is much more exhausting than the five minutes of fun that Joe Gorga is offering. Come on, Melissa, don’t tell us you’re tired. Girl, please! Who doesn’t want to make love to a guy in a powder blue, velour sweat suit who describes his semen as poison. Uh oh. Maybe she’s just not that into you.

Back to Richie and Kathy’s house (again, eating). The family steps outside for a “family meeting,” and Richie has bought Kathy a new Mercedes and a bouquet of flowers. Sorry, Richie, but with a ninety thousand dollar whip in the driveway, orange roses sort of lose a bit of their luster. With the food burning on the stove, they drive away in the new ride hopefully to “break it in.”

We next see Jacqueline, Teresa, and Caroline with Kim D. They are at a warehouse and are going to pick up some free clothes. I only bring this up for two quick reasons. Caroline shows up with her hair slicked back like Mickey Rourke in Angel Heart, and Teresa again starts to defend herself in regards to the conversation at The Brownstone with Davey Crockett, I mean Kathy. Teresa still is mad as hell that anyone would accuse her of leaving her baby unattended during the fight. Personally I am tired of this argument. Teresa needs to look at the game tape of the fight at the manor. Teresa, I love you, but the baby was alone in her stroller. Turn the page, close the book, and we’ll all act like it never happened, OK? Great, thanks.

Back in the Gorga house, Joe is still trying like hell to get Melissa to sleep with him. It’s amazing she can resist him, since he is such a charmer. Joe Gorga says that not having sex in five days is like when you have a white head zit and you finally pop it and puss shoots all the way across the room. Make up your mind, Gorga, is it poison or puss? He is a silver-tongued fox. I don’t know why Melissa wont give him five minutes to get rid of his poison or to pop his white head so puss can shoot out of the room. Typing that last paragraph actually made me nauseous.

Jacqueline tries to help Teresa write a letter to her brother. It is alarming to watch Teresa come completely undone while writing this make up note to Joe Gorga. I felt like I was watching Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? I hope instead of a stamp she put kisses, the postman says that’s best to do. (Thanks to both of you that got that reference). Jacqueline is a really good friend during this meltdown and pretty much stays mellow and out of the way. She lets Teresa keep talking to herself and spin her wheels. On the drive over to Joey and Melissa’s, Teresa looks like she is driving to an execution (which in all fairness she might be). Every time Jacqueline says something kind and helpful Teresa looks at her like she is going to dump her body in the weeds of Secaucus. Teresa and Jacqueline drop the letter off at Joe and Melissa’s. Regrettably the four of them miss seeing each other by just a few minutes, because Joe and Melissa are out on a jog.

Joe makes Melissa read the letter to him. (I cannot keep poking fun at Joe Gorga. Someone else has to step up and take some of the heat off this guy). Am I the only one who notices that the longer the season goes on the more Melissa is looking like one of the Mowry twins?

After reading the letter to Joe, Melissa does the unthinkable -- she becomes the voice of reason. She implores her husband to go speak with his sister. Suddenly Melissa is acting nice, Teresa is acting crazy, Joe Gorga is filled with poisonous cumin, and I am completely confused. Episode 4 cannot come soon enough! That’s how I saw it. Give me your comments below and on Twitter @jaymohr37. Until next week, don’t forget to watch what happens.

How to Watch

Watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey Sundays at 8/7c on Bravo and stream next day on Peacock.

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