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Jay Mohr is still in awe of Joe Gorga's body (and Kathy's '80s hair).

By Jay Mohr

Before we begin, I forgot to mention this last week. Am I the only one that noticed Jacqueline’s eight-year-old son, C.J., was playing Xbox while wearing a suit and tie? Did I dream that? Handsome guy that C.J. is.

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Speaking of handsome guys, Episode 6 opens in the Gorga’s walk in closet where Melissa “Mowry” Gorga is dressing Joey up like a big boy. If I had this guy’s body, I would never wear clothes. I wouldn’t even go out. I would just stay inside with my clothes off in front of a mirror. With those beautiful eyes, it doesn’t matter what Joey Gorga wears. He is a superstar. Conversely, Melissa may be the world’s worst dresser. Everything she put on her body looks like Vanna White’s hand-me-downs. Joey Gorga and Teresa Giudice are getting ready to meet and finally clear the air. Joey rushes out of the house with half of his shirt tucked in. It looks kind of cool though. Melissa dresses him like Joey Lawrence to match her Blossom hat. Melissa yells to Joey, “Be positive!” And Joey hollers back, “Whoa!”

Something is amiss in this episode. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something just doesn’t feel right. Then it hit me. Joey isn’t wearing a hat! “Whoa!” Be careful out there Mr. Gorga. It’s a dangerous world out there to be driving around all willy-nilly and hat-free. What if your head gets cold? What if you have an idea all at once? What will hold it together? Maybe Joey can stop by Ashley’s house and see if she has any extra potholders. I’m just not sure that the world is ready for Joe’s chapeau-free pate. Maybe that’s part of Joey’s plan. Disarm Teresa and catch her off guard by showing her his bangs. By the time Teresa recognizes her brother’s head, it will be too late, and he will already be well into his Ruy Lopez Opening and setting up his Steinitz Defense to topple his sister’s king. Right? Or maybe he just forgot to wear a hat in the rush to tuck in half of his shirt.

As they settle in at their table at a restaurant in a strip mall (Is everything in New Jersey in a strip mall?) the waiter comes by and offers them wine. Perfect! Hey waiter, leave the bottle, keep the Sambuca flowing, and let’s make this a two part-er.

Joey references the letter that Melissa read for him and quotes from it. “I’m sorry if I hurt you and your family…” Then he ponders, “What did you mean by that?” Wow, waiter, make it two bottles.

As Joey and Teresa talk to each other, I am hoping that Joey bangs on the table before Teresa flips it over. If they get the order reversed, then Joey will be smashing himself in the nuts. Teresa is wearing a jacket inside the restaurant that makes her look like the puppet from Waylan Flowers and Madam. What’s with the brick wall motif at the strip mall restaurant? Were they trying to make the dining room look like Al Capone’s vault? Joey and Teresa look like they’re sitting onstage at The Improv; or it looks a little like a scene from when they had the acting segment on Star Search. (Remember those? I liked those.) I digress, it becomes very clear very early in this conversation that neither Teresa nor Joey have any idea why they are angry at each other. Joey is spinning his wheels saying it’s all Teresa’s fault for always telling her husband how great Joey is. Then Gorga says it’s all Joe Giudice’s fault, because Teresa keeps telling him how great her brother is. Then it’s about lists, cookies, home loans, and God knows what all. One thing is clear, if you ever want to enrage Joey Gorga, compliment him. Joey tells Teresa that, “Melissa doesn’t like you because you tell it like it is.” So what is he saying, that Melissa only likes lies? That would explain why he kept telling her what a great singing voice she had.

Then Joey says something to the extent that not even Kathy likes Teresa. Teresa says to Joey that If Kathy doesn’t like her, it’s because she is friends with Melissa. Teresa expands on this in her interview by explaining to the viewer that she and Kathy used to be really close. At one point Teresa says, “Kathy used to do my hair.” The producers then immediately, blessedly, cut away to a photograph of Kathy from when she was the lead singer of Cinderella. Holy cow, that is a serious hair do. If birds nested in Kathy’s hair, they wouldn’t be able to get out. They would either starve to death and rot on her head or die from inhaling Aqua Net. Judging by Kathy’s hair in that photo, I am pretty sure she had an amazing scrunchie and banana clip collection. I would also bet you a hundred dollars that if you panned down in that photo, Kathy is wearing rubber bracelets, parachute pants, and high top Reeboks.

The longer Teresa and Joey’s meeting goes on, the more it is apparent that they aren’t really mad at each other about anything. Watching Joey Gorga give out all five thousand of his fake reasons why he’s mad at Teresa is the first time I’ve ever seen a man drown without water. If I were there, I would have thrown him a life vest and a hat.

I think the argument reaches it’s crescendo when Joey announces, “Shame on mommy, shame on daddy, and shame on you!” (I think Divine said that in Polyester.) There you have it. Everyone else is to blame, and everyone else is wrong except Joey and Melissa. It was right there in front of us the entire time. Joey Gorga’s just wasting his time trying to explain this to those of us blessed with rational thought and opposable thumbs. Damn he is a gorgeous man though. He should stop pretending to be angry and run out onto RT. 46 and scream, “Stella!”

Next we see Kathy and Richie going to dinner at their accountant’s house, which I’m supposed to believe is completely normal. If I’m not mistaken, Richie is hiding a salami behind his back, seriously, rewind it and freeze it. He’s hiding a freaking salami behind his back. I guess he doesn’t want to give away that surprise early. Eventually Joey and Melissa show up (Tardy for the party!) holding a bottle of wine that you know is a re-gift. Melissa might be the worst dressed Housewife of all time (including Quinn) as she shows up to dinner with her Sade hairline, fake eyelashes that look like a venus fly trap grew on top of her lids, and a coat that Diana Ross wouldn’t wear in Mahogony. The dinner is pretty mundane, but I did like in Kathy’s interview when she said of Teresa, “Mindless spending will catch up to you.” As she sits in front of a vase on a piano filled with ceramic flowers.

Later in the show we see Caroline at her new radio show, and she does great. Is it me, or is Caroline starting to look a little like Sharon Osbourne? She looks beautiful. Caroline takes calls from listeners with relationship problems and gives them advice. Admit it, we were all waiting for Teresa to call in. Personally I was hoping to hear, “Let’s go to Joey in Montville” Then, “Hey Caroline, howyadoin? I’m a first time listener and a long time caller. I gotta problem. Sometimes I run outta hats.” Also I found myself hoping against hope that our old pal Danny would call in and just yell into the receiver, “A punk is a punk is a punk is a punk!" Can we please figure out a way to bring Danny back to the show? Let’s hook him up with Ashley and see if he breaks his parole. A star is a star is a star is a star and Danny is a star.

Melissa, Caroline, Teresa, and Jacqueline are all preparing for the meeting between Teresa and Melissa. Less discussion went into opening China. Jacqueline explains to Caroline that she figured it would be a nice, neutral spot for them to meet, and she thought it would be good if they used one of her rooms. I hope it’s Ashley’s! She doesn’t use it for anything other than collecting excuses and new cars.

At Melissa’s house, Melissa is sitting with Kathy and her sister, Lysa, discussing the Teresa showdown/meeting. Watching these three strategize reminded me of the old expression, “The blind leading the blind,” and it made me want to change it to, “Melissa’s sister and Kathy giving Melissa advice.” I’m just not sure if it’s catchy.

Back at Jacqueline’s, Teresa announces to Jacqueline and Caroline that next week she is taking everyone up into the Catskills for some rest and relaxation. This is where I laughed out loud the most during the entire episode. Teresa says to Caroline, “You can bring Al and Albie and Chris,” then she looks at Jacqueline and says, “And no kids!” I don’t know why Teresa wouldn’t want Ashley up in the woods. Maybe she’s afraid Ashley would get lost. That would be awful, because Ashley would just stumble from tent to tent scaring other campers. You could invite Ashley to the Catskills, she won’t show up, it involves a commute! As the meeting approaches, Jacqueline admits that she’s nervous and says, “I think I need a Baileys.” Teresa responds by saying that she is, “Calm and cool as a whistle,” which means she’s already been into the Baileys. Finally Teresa and Melissa sit down to settle their differences and the longer they talk, the more I realize I have absolutely no idea what this fight is about. Then I pictured Joe Gorga standing in his walk-in closet with no shirt on. This somehow has become my happy place.

Tweet me @jaymohr37 if you wish. I’m at Harrah’s in Vegas the 24th-26th if you’re in the neighborhood. I would love to meet you. Your friend, Jay.

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