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Smoke Signals

Episode 15: Jay Mohr isn't too sure what was in those hookahs.

By Jay Mohr

Albie and Christopher open this week's show by driving to Caroline's mom's house. It looks like a great place to dump a body. It's rustic and the neighborhood is a little woodsy. I have to get that address from the people at Bravo. The boys are there not to dump a body but to start a business. They are using grandma's old craft room as their new office. I wish that grandma's craft room got relocated to The Brownstone and Albert would use it for all of his "craft room" themed weddings.

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The boys decide to have their first business meeting and throw some money-making ideas out and see what works. Christopher jumps in head first by announcing his life long dream of writing a book about toilets. Would it be a coffee table book? Caroline's nephew, Joey, tells Chris that he likes the toilet bowl book idea, and he likes that Chris is thinking outside the box. It looked like Chris was thinking outside the bowl (Worst joke in fifteen weeks. Thank you, thank you very much.) Chris' next idea is a brilliant one. He wants to invent an app that would be a breathalyzer for your cell phone. He could have used it when he called a publisher about his toilet bowl book. Albie says that Ashley should have a breathalyzer machine for her Twitter account. I think Ashley should have a breathalyzer machine next to her hat rack.

At Kathy's house, the Wakile family is getting ready for Richie's birthday party. Richie is really ready to hit the town. He's wearing a suit jacket, his shirt is unbuttoned to his naval, and he's sloppily gripping a glass of scotch. He looks like a cross between Dean Martin and Borat. Before the family leaves, Richie says to Kathy, "Thanks for that birthday present," and I threw up a little in my mouth. Maybe she got him a watch, but by the look in Richie's eye I think Kathy got him something a little more hands on. 

Kathy and company show up at a Middle Eastern nightclub with belly dancers. Forgive me for noticing, but one of the belly dancers had a gut. I don't know a damn thing about belly dancing. Maybe you need a good pancakes and beer gut to be good at it. If that's true, I should be a belly dancing grand master.

The Manzos, Lauritas, and Gorgas drop by the club to help Richie celebrate. There are a lot of hookas in this place, so hopefully we will be seeing "Earthy" Kathy before the cake comes out. Kathy seems to be a girl who likes her hippie lettuce. I don't know what was loaded into those hookas, but two minutes in and everyone at the table is acting like they're in the parking lot of a Phish concert. Kathy is sucking on Richie's tongue, Jacqueline takes a nap in Chris' lap, and Joey Gorga decides he needs to smell Melissa's armpits. These people are tripping balls. Security should hand out popsicles and put on the White Album. 

Joey Gorga decides to walk out onto the dance floor and get down with the belly dancers. He doesn't really belly dance though, but at one point I am pretty sure I saw him doing the running man. Jacqueline, Melissa, and Richie all join Joey out on the dance floor. Everyone is having a blast. Am I the only one that noticed that Melissa dances like she's missing bones? If she is going to open for Britney Spears with 'On Display' she better get that all tightened up. You don't want to dance onstage at state farms if you have the rhythm of a furnace. It seems that the New Jersey crew always has fun as long as someone is missing. When everyone went up to the woods and the Gorgas stayed behind, they were all happy. Tonight at Richie's party the Giudices aren't there, and they are all happy. Maybe they are mostly happy because they have smoked enough hash to bring down a small horse.

My solution for RHONJ is to just roll with a smaller crew. Stop trying to jam all four families together. Sister Sledge those parties and just go out with the three of you.

At Jacqueline's house, Jacqueline and Teresa are sharing with each other what they are going to wear to the opening of Lauren's spa. Jacqueline is going to wear a sensible black dress. Teresa is going to show up dressed as Grimace from McDonalds. The girls eat assorted meats and cheeses as they discuss Ashley. On a side note, if you're going to eat a lot of salami and cheese with your fingers, maybe don't play with your hair so much. It seems that could make everything get a bit greasy.

Lauren's grand opening is a huge success. I loved when Lauren explained to Vito's mother about Joey and Melissa, "That's Teresa's brother and sister-in-law, and they're all best friends." That was hysterical and smart too. As a Bravo Television Psychiatrist I thought this was the smart play by Lauren. Why drag Vito's sweet mom down into the slop. Just slap some rose colored Gucci glasses on her and move on. Surprisingly, Ashley got her act together long enough to design the t-shirts for Lauren after all. Ashley really is a talented artist, and the shirts look fabulous. Now if we could only staple a few hundred of them over Teresa's coat.

The next day we see Teresa at the super market with two of her girls. Some kids climb trees, Milania climbs plums. Teresa pulls her daughter off the fruit display before it all comes rolling down, but not before Audriana makes the best rock and roll face I have ever seen. Teresa then explains that her family always eats super healthy. She does this as she fills her shopping cart with Eggo Waffles, Cap'n Crunch, and about $200 worth of pigs in a blanket. 

The SOULDIGGAZ are back! Hooray! They come to Melissa's house for her to lay down some more tracks. I don't really understand the recording process, because Melissa is recording over her own song. It's almost as if she is doing karaoke for 'On Display.' There is enough auto-tune on this song to give a robot an erection. I just now realized that one of the lyrics for 'On Display' is: "These feelings that I'm feeling." Here's a tip for all you aspiring songwriters. You can't write the same word twice and call it a rhyme. The more I listen to 'On Display,' the more I owe the Countess an apology. Compared to Melissa, Luann sounds like Ella Fitzgerald. I think 'On Display' is what the U.S. Troops played in Panama to get Manuel Noriega to surrender.

In the real world, Chris is sitting down with Albie, Christopher, and a gal named Sari at a restaurant, and they are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of a potential new client. The meeting goes incredibly well. Christopher charms these ladies out of their Canadian bacon. He could have dropped into the Cajun voice and still closed the deal. Keep an eye on that Christopher, if he ever goes on Celebrity Apprentice, I'm driving to Vegas to put a lot of money on him to win.

Uh oh! Joe Giudice has been texting Joey Gorga. Apparently Joey going to Teresa's book signing made Mr. Giudice a little, well, crazy. In his texts he calls a Melissa a "fake wife." If that's the case, she looks amazing for a replicant. Joe Giudice calls the Gorgas fake, threatens Joey with violence, and even drops an R bomb on Joey. (I find the word so repulsive I refuse to write it.) I found it interesting that this conversation was happening around the pool table. At one point the Bravo cameras have a shot of Joey literally behind the eight ball.

At Teresa's book signing we see a nice turn out. Her book is called 'Skinny Italian,' and it's a New York Times best seller. When is someone going to grow a pair and write the "Big Fat Slob Italian Cookbook"? That's the cookbook I would buy.

Joey and Melissa come by the book signing late. Like, 8:30 for a 5:30 book signing late. I guess it's fitting that they have the place to themselves for some dramatic family talk. For a moment, the cameras caught Joey Gorga with his guard down and he yells to the storeowner, "That's my big sister!" You can see how proud he is of Teresa. The happiness then turns to anger, and it gets a little creepy. Joey instructs Teresa to go home and tell her husband to stop threatening him. Teresa says, "He's not threatening you," to which all of America shouted, "Show her your texts!" at their televisions. The argument gets briefly sidetracked by some Facebook nonsense, but Joey tells Teresa several times, "Tell your husband to stop threatening me!"

Teresa comes home from her book signing and Joe Giudice is hammered. He can barely stand or talk, and he keeps asking Teresa if she wants to eat with her coat on or off. (Hopefully off, because if she spills something on it, she might throw it away.) Since Teresa has been at the book signing, Joe has drank enough booze to blind Keith Richards. Gia and a friend are practicing gymnastics in the hallway. Joe Giudice gets real loud and scary and screams at them to get out of the way. He says, "I'm an expert at this!" He then does sort of a sideways somersault and smashes his face on the tile floor. He chips one of his teeth out and bleeds all over his shirt. This is why RHONJ is better than any of the other cities. What other show would give you Joe Giudice doing the splits and knocking out his own teeth in just eight weeks?!

I felt very bad for Teresa when in front of a lot of company, Joe yells at her to shut up. It was scary but also very embarrassing. On RHONJ it seems everyone gets angry when people act appropriately. If you say hello or congratulations to someone you might get knocked out. Teresa asked her brother to go to her book signing. Her brother went to her book signing, Joe Giudice thinks, "How dare he go to your book signing!" Joe Giudice goes on to say, "As drunk as I am, I would never start a fight." Except for when you tell your wife to shut up on national television right? The texts eventually get read. Someone else has to read them because Joe is seeing double.  Even though he claimed he never responded to any of Joe's texts, Joey Gorga DID return fire and called Joe Giudice a stupid ass. Joe Giudice's response to this is where everything for me veers off into crazy land. Joe Giudice wrote, "Watch who you call a stupid ass before I put your jaw on one of those metal cages." I think Joe Giudice is secretly writing 'Saw VII.'

Thank you to everyone that leaves me mentions on Twitter. Just so you know, I'm not on "team" anyone. I'm just on team "this is how I saw it this week." Love you guys. Follow me @jaymohr37


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