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The Runs

Episode 16: Jay Mohr is ready for the Joes to duel, as he applauds Gia.

By Jay Mohr

Caroline and Jaqueline are driving and talking about an upcoming 5K race. Caroline plans on jogging through the race. Jaqueline plans on walking the course with her butt cheeks squeezed together. Is Jaqueline planning ahead to have the runs? Someone be sure to line the roads that morning with porta-potties. Later, Teresa is at Jaqueline’s house explaining the battle of the Joes. Did anyone else notice that last episode, after Teresa autographed a book for her brother, Joey made her read it to him? This is the second or third time Joey Gorga has made someone read to him. He is either illiterate or a pimp. Teresa calls Melissa to try and make nice. Teresa’s cell phone looks like a piece of coral with diamonds glued to it. How does she fit this thing in her pocket? It looks like a brick from Elton John’s house. Melissa’s voice on speaker phone is somehow worse than her voice while singing. On speaker phone Melissa sounds like a cross between a Vietnamese lady and one of Charlie Brown’s teachers. Teresa tells Melissa that they both need to talk to their Joes and Melissa snaps like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee. Melissa talks so loudly and long and shrilly without a break it sounds like she is calling a horse race.

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It’s 6:30 a.m. at Kathy and Richie’s house and somehow Richie has woken up with a fully moussed head of hair. Kathy says that the 5K run is for people with disabilities. For Joey Gorga this is probably for the hatless.

Teresa and Joe are waking up for the run and Teresa has the runs. She should partner up with Jaqueline and walk with her butt cheeks squeezed together. Maybe instead of water, people will line the streets during the race handing out Immodium. I really enjoyed seeing what each person decided to wear to a charity race. Chris, Christopher, Albie, Joe Giudice, and Lauren are dressed like human beings. Everyone else is dressed like a video game character or a toy. Greg is dressed for Spiderman. Teresa is dressed like “Winter Olympics Barbie.” Joey Gorga is dressed for his Jersey Shore audition and Melissa looks like one of the Wonder Pets.

Before the race, Joe Giudice immediately starts teasing Joey Gorga. This is pathetic because in the car he just said to Teresa, “I don’t start nuttin’!” We all just watched him start with Joey in front of all the others. It was uncomfortable. Joey Gorga should have fought back by having Melissa sing out loud. 

Everyone gets running. Teresa encourages Joe by telling him about “stanima.” Kathy is running like Mark Fuhrman at the Million Man March. For some reason, Caroline quits. If you count the kickboxing class, this is the second time she has quit in camera. I have to call out momma Manzo. How can you make a living giving people advice if you quit when things get tough? You are the matriarch of a family of winners. Suck it up and close the deal! 

Joey and Melissa go to Albie, Chris, and Greg’s house in Hoboken for a little party. It seems that Greg thinks Joey is as hot as I do. Back off Gregory, I called Joey Gorga and those eyes Week One! Get your own man. Melissa plays her song for the boys and they say they like it. Then they inexplicably ask Melissa to sing at their company’s launch party. Are they launching ear plugs? The boys take Joey and Melissa out to a Hoboken nightclub and Joey gets the night started by putting his balls in the back of Greg’s neck. Somehow, Joey has climbed Greg like Mt. Shasta and is sitting on his shoulders like a father and son watching a parade. Joey keeps asking Greg to fondle Melissa. Relax, Joey. Greg doesn’t want to touch Melissa, he wants to be Melissa. Joey moves through the night like it’s his coming out party. He tells a random group of men that he calls his penis “Tarzan.” He then tells those men that he keeps “Tarzan” well-groomed. Is this a nightclub or a bath house?

The day of Milania’s birthday, Teresa is trying in vain to get Milania ready. It is a tough task because Milania treats Teresa like she’s the help. MIlania has a meltdown because she wants to change clothes. I don’t blame her since Teresa is trying to dress her like Punky Brewster. Milania’s party is at Joe Giudice’s pizzeria. It’s a far cry from limousines and cruise ships, but hopefully the fall is cushioned by the overall message: As long as you are with your family, everywhere is a place to celebrate. Melissa and Joey show up (late), and Joe Giudice suddenly gets very busy in the kitchen and can’t say hello to them. Gia has written a special song to her sister and it gets thunderous applause. (Melissa: Notice there was no Auto-Tune). Gia’s next song is dedicated to her mom and Uncle Joey and she bursts into tears the second she opens her mouth to sing it. It’s heartbreaking. It’s also angering to watch grown-ups act like they wear diapers (not the grown-up kind that Teresa and Jaqueline wore at the race. I mean baby diapers.) Maybe we should just go old school and have the two Joes settle their problems with a duel. They could step out into the streets of Caldwell and after ten paces, turn, and throw gravy at each other. It would be like Italian paintball. Gia breaks the entire season down with one sentence. Teresa tells Gia that her and her brother Joey love each other very much. Gia says, “THEN ACT LIKE IT!” Word to the Gia.

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