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The Ties That Bind

Jay Mohr offers a comedian's take on Episode 2.

By Jay Mohr

I was dreaming when I wrote this, so forgive me if it goes astray...

How to Watch

Watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey on Peacock and the Bravo app.  

Episode 2 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was inevitably a little mellower than the season premiere, however it was still a solid episode. It begins with Caroline Manzo saying, "It's cold. It's sticky, and it's slippery." For a moment my heart jumped, because I thought they had brought back Danielle. Turns out that Caroline was just talking about the insides of a pumpkin, which I think may be a little smarter than Danielle. Plus, you can put a candle inside a pumpkin and fill it with light. Again Caroline looks great while rocking an Hermes scarf and being the mother hen to her family and generally giving out great advice.

Teresa gives a recap of the "brawl in the hall" to Caroline, and even Joe Giudice explains his version of what happened. The best part of which was when he called Joe Gorga a "little fidget." I have always loved the old expression, "There are three sides to every story, yours, mine, and the truth." That expression never applies in Real Housewives land. In Real Housewives land there is only one side to a story -- everybody's. 

Joe and Melissa Gorga get to tell their version over dinner at Kathy and Richie's house. In retelling the story Joe Gorga almost gives himself a hemorrhoid, and Richie has to tell him to take a few deep breaths. Apparently no one told Joe and Melissa, "No hats at the dinner table." Joe is wearing his trademark knit hat, and Melissa is wearing a hat that looks like it was stolen off the set of Blossom

We move down the call sheet and settle in on Kim D. She is putting together another fashion show that will be held at The Brownstone. It seems the Housewives go to more fashion shows than Andre Leon Talley. I am super looking forward to this, because we all know how well the first New Jersey fashion show turned out. Melissa is in the Posche store trying on a few different dresses when in walks the hurricane that is Kim G.

Side Note: Am I the only one that thinks there are way too many Kims on the Real Housewives shows to keep track of? Kim G., Kim D., Kim Z., Kim Chi, Li'l' Kim, Kim Coles, and coming soon Kim Jong Il from The Real Housewives of Pyongyang!

Homegirl Kim G. hits the ground running and wastes zero time putting Teresa on blast. She quickly buddies up to Melissa and says that Teresa has "a fat crooked ass" and "wishes she looked as good as me!" Unlikely. 

Teresa and Jaqueline get together for some drinks to review what went down last week. At one point, Jaqueline says to Teresa, "I wish I had your ass." Take that Kim G. Jaqueline then says, "Why can't I have your ass?" To which I would have replied, "Because I need it to sit down."

Lauren Manzo has opened a beauty bar. It is called Face. Looks great, and I hope it does well. Lauren is smart enough to be overstocked with make-up by Malley "It's bulletproof, ladies!" Roncal. Lauren is going to be doing some make up for the fashion show. She may have just walked away with the most naïve person in the world award after saying, "I think it will be fine. I don't think there will be any drama." 

And then it's Halloween night. The different costumes that everyone chose are pretty amazing. Teresa decides to put on a cape and simply be "Super T." It's kind of lame, and G to the ia let's her know as much. After watching G to the ia work a knife while carving pumpkins in the beginning of the episode, I would spend most of my life trying to keep her happy. 

And then Melissa and Joe unveil their costumes. Melissa is a pretty great-looking Catwoman and Joe Gorga dresses up as Snooki. Watching Joe walk around the house in pumps, a dress, and the poof wig is very unsettling. Melissa thinks it's funny at first, then realizes that there is a big downside. She explains that while she is rocking it and looking sexy in the cat suit, it will be hard to get down and dirty with Joe, because he is dressed up as a woman. Joe, if ever there was a time to pull together a Catman suit, tonight was the night. On the bright side for Melissa, even though she only donned her costume for one night, more people will remember her as Catwoman than Halle Barry. 

A few guests arrive at Melissa and Joe's house. In the thank-God-there-are-no-second-takes department, Kim D. says, "I'm dressed like half a hooker." Which begs the question, "Which half?" Richie is dressed in hospital scrubs (not a bad idea in case another fight breaks out), Kim G. is dressed like Peter Criss from Kiss, and Kathy has thrown together some kind of LSD-while-living-in-a-bus-in-Topanga-Canyon track suit outfit. She looks like she got dressed at Spahn Ranch with Tex Watkins. Or maybe she's dressed like a woman that rides a bike on the Jersey Turnpike with clams in the bike basket. I am keeping my eye on Kathy. If any of the Housewives are going to eat Peyote buttons and use telepathy to talk to the bushes, my money's on Kathy. 

Everyone eventually goes out to a disco for some (lots) of drinks and dancing. I never thought I would live long enough to see Catwoman bent over from behind by Snooki. Certainly someone in the viewing audience just hit their personal fetish jackpot.

The day of the fashion show arrives, and tensions are running higher than the waistband of Danny's acid washed jeans. Melissa is wondering how Teresa is going to handle being in the same room as her. She wonders if Teresa is even going to acknowledge that there was an "explosive christening." This is the first time anyone has ever heard the expression "explosive christening." Jaqueline says that evertime Teresa says hello or congratulations, the sh-- hits the fan. Wow, I wonder what would happen if Teresa moved on to please and thank you?

During the fashion show The Brownstone looks incredible. It looks like there are about a thousand people sitting comfortably waiting to watch the show. Melissa comes out and does a really good walk. Her sisters start screaming and yelling like they're at a Selena concert. Teresa walks and looks a little uncomfortable with the entire affair. Maybe it's because if she compliments anyone, a fight will break out.

When the show is over, Kathy decides to speak with Teresa backstage about her version of what happened at the explosive christening. Kathy accuses Teresa of abandoning her children during the fight. Teresa snaps like a twig and yells, "Do not even go there!" Caroline steps in and tells them all to basically take it outside. I love it. She says, "Kill each other in your own homes, not here!" As I'm watching the potential fight start, I can't help but wonder why Kathy is wearing a pelt. Knowing Kathy I bet she trapped that vest in her own yard and skinned it herself. 'Atta girl!

Good episode. Remember, there are three sides to every story, your side, my side, and the truth. In Housewives land there is only one side -- everybody's. This is my side, and that's how I saw it. Give me your feedback on Twitter @jaymohr37, and until next week, don't forget to watch what happens!


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