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Teresa in Wonderland

Teresa Giudice explains why she feels like Alice.

By Teresa Giudice

Hello from the Jersey Shore! I'm holding on to the last week of summer as long as I can!

One of the days we had no sun, I sat down and watched Alice in Wonderland with the girls. When's the last time you saw that movie? It is seriously f-ed up! When I was a kid, I didn't like it, because it was too weird and scary. But I actually enjoyed watching it this time, because I felt like I could relate. It's not that different from watching RHONJ! I felt like Alice all last season every time I filmed with the other women, because I never knew what to expect and they were insane in a different way almost every day.

If you think about it, it actually fits really well. If I'm Alice (and according to my cast members' blogs and interviews -- blah blah blah blah Teresa blah blah blah blah Teresa Teresa -- it is The Teresa Show), then it's pretty easy to see who everyone else is: Caroline is the Red Queen (I don't think I need to say anything more about that...); her kids are those playing cards, running around trying to make the Queen happy so they stay on the payroll; Jacqueline is the goofy, confusing and very confused Cheshire Cat; Kathy is the high-and-mighty Caterpillar with her hookah, who insults other people's intelligence but can't pronounce words correctly herself; and Melissa... I think she's both Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee since she seems to think she can play two different characters at once: the innocent, fun girl who puts on a show falling into a foot of water in a river and pretending to be scared, and her real self with her nasty little comments, blogs, and interviews...Speaking of that, before I forget, I am sincerely blown away that while even Jacqueline and Caroline managed to find enough respect to avoid talking about my husband's infamous "phone call" last week, and Melissa said because she didn't like anyone talking about her marriage, she wouldn't either, Melissa then ran to AOL and did a big interview about it anyway. I should be surprised, but like anyone who really knows Melissa, I'm not. All year she says that I crossed a line talking about her marriage (in PRIVATE to my own BROTHER) but it's cool for her to make awful assumptions to the public like I knew who Joe was talking to and I'm in denial? For the record, I have no idea who Joe was talking to and neither does he. It was a year ago and it wasn't just one person, it was a whole bunch of phone calls strung together. He can't remember who he was specifically talking to (and there was no "hi baby" like the media reported, was there?), but he thinks it was probably his driver, who's a childhood friend of his. The rest of the article is ridiculous and completely one-sided

Joe Giudice's Mysterious Phone Call

The only thing keeping me sane through all of this is you all. Thank you so much for being on this crazy journey with me and seeing what I see! Bravo viewers (even the ones who don't admit they watch) are the smartest and most sophisticated viewers out there! No matter which Housewives you love or love to hate, you all aren't fooled by fake set-ups and bad acting. You all see everything, even things I missed!Thank you for seeing the hypocrisy of women who act like I'm wrong for being on the cover of In Touch but throw a party when Melissa's on the cover of a local "magazine" and pretend they didn't see Melissa actually bashing me in US Weekly the same week. You see the crazy of Kathy pulling up a comment I made about her husband's jokes on her phone and pretending to be shamed... this from the woman who took a paycheck to go on national TV and bash her own family member in every episode.

I don't know why the other women think the viewers are stupid, think you guys don't read every blog, every interview, every tweet, and REMEMBER them! You see my blogs are the same since the first season. You see how Melissa forgets you all can read and you keep track of all her contradictions. You see how Caroline doesn't even bother with a blog anymore because she has nothing to really write about because her whole argument is nonsense. (Whoever wrote me and called her "Angry Chuckie"... not nice, but thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants!) You know how we talk to each other, how we put our hands on someone's face to say "look me in the eyes" like how Caroline did to me at the Season 2 reunion and how I did to Kathy; you know it's not a big deal like St. Kathy was making out.
Tre's Gonna Get Burned
I'm sorry, but it does make me feel better that the person accusing me of things can't even tell Andy Cohen exactly what I did to her, is the one who calls their own kid an asshole on TV, and says with a straight face that she "can't relate" to her daughter's weight struggles because she's "been tiny" her whole life (made my heart break for Lauren). If you are respectable and walk the walk yourself, I'm happy to listen to your opinion of me. If you're a delusional, hypocritical ball of anger who schemes against anyone and everyone, even members of your own family, I'm not.

So about Caroline and her big scary blow-up at me... It was very intense, all the animosity and hatred coming off of Caroline. I've known her a long time, and I've seen her be this way with many, many people in her life. She has a really unhappy, almost evil energy. I have to say though, as many times as she called me names and said horrible things to me, screaming and trying to get a rise out of me, I'm very proud of myself that I held it together. Again, thank you all for that. Since Season 1, you've helped me see that there are better ways to deal with things than just screaming and fighting. I really want to be a better person, even in my worst moments. At one point, I was so close to saying something really nasty to Caroline, but I caught myself and bit it back. I thought about Dina and their mom, Nettie, and I didn't want to hurt them, so I didn't say it. (I'm only human though, so I did call her a few names under my breath in my own room. Sorry!)
Teresa Storms Out
I guess Caroline doesn't have the same respect for my mother, because she told horrible lies about me and my mom. I've never said any of the things Caroline said I did, NOT ONE. Thankfully Caroline is a well-documented liar (remember Season 1 with the Danielle book at the salon?), and I'm not. The idea that anyone could poison a mother against her own son, especially an Italian mother against her only son, is crazy. My mother loves my brother and no one could change that, and I would never want to. We are all my mother has. She doesn't have 11 other kids to look to when we're fighting. It breaks her heart. (P.S. everyone knows I usually speak to my mom in Italian, and Caroline doesn't speak the language, just sayin'. Maybe it's an "off the boat" thing...)

Like I said, I've known Caroline a long time and know how she operates. And even before we ever had a bad word, I never trusted her. I know how she stirs things up and twists things, and I would never say anything in front of her that she could use later against me. Because she would. They all would. They take notes and bring them to the reunion! I'm not an idiot, I watched Real Housewives of New York when they had new cast members come on board. I saw how it backfired on Jill when she tried to tell other cast members not to film with people. It's not cool and it doesn't work anyway. If they're on the show, they're on the show. Did I hate how Melissa and Kathy joined the show behind my back? I've always been honest about that: yes I did. But I got over it. I never told Caroline or Jacqueline to hate Melissa or Kathy. In fact, I said the opposite: go be friends with them! I knew they'd all have to interact because we were filming together. And I knew the only thing me saying "don't like them" would get me is a big hatefest at a future reunion. Why would I want that?And as for Melissa being a stripper, hell no, I never said she was to Caroline. For one, I didn't know if she was. I heard the same rumors around town that everyone else did, but I chose not to believe them. The truth always comes out, and I wait to judge or act on things until it does. You can call that naive or in denial, but it's how I listen to my heart. I can't condemn someone who might be innocent, and dirty deeds and dirty pasts always come out. When they do, I'll act. For two, if I thought for one moment Melissa actually was a stripper, Caroline would be the last person on earth on I would ever tell. Why? Because it makes me and my family look bad! I don't hear her bragging about her family's dark side -- and for good reason. Why would you want anyone to know that?

I still to this day don't know if Melissa was or wasn't a stripper or a call girl or a whore or a lesbian or a drug user in her past. And I don't care. When she first started dating my brother, when she came around with her fake bubbies and her rumors, yeah, I cared. But Joey loved her, they got married, and I accepted her as a sister. Whatever she did or didn't do is in the past. In the present she's my brother's wife and the mother of my niece and nephews. I might not like her as a person very much, but she's using my last name, and I have no interest in Gorgas being associated with anything ugly. I still pray it's all not true!

And remember, I'm not the one that obsesses over other people's pasts, digs them up, and tries to humiliate them in our town -- that's Caroline and Jacqueline's hobby. Isn't it interesting that they did it with Danielle and tried to ruin her life as a mom to two lovely girls when her past was 17 years earlier, yet they don't care at all about their new best friend Melissa's past? Jacqueline suddenly she just doesn't care about the same kind of past in another new Housewife? I'm not buying it. I have no reason to bring down or (further) humiliate my own family. Caroline and Jacqueline however have a million reasons to want to hurt me and my family and make us look bad...The show started out as all about their family. They were the stars, I was just the silly friend. I wasn't interested in doing a show with my family at all. I'm still not. I turn down opportunities for my own TV show all the time, because I won't do a show that exploits me and my kids. I know other people are super into that and would jump at the chance, especially for all the money, but I won't do it. I won't sell out my family.

Keep watching, because it's about to get even more insane! Caroline's Wonderland continues to all new levels of crazy! And don't forget the "seed" the other ladies have been planting all season: that I'm a huge mastermind. I am the reason for everything -- global warming, gas prices, why people can't show up to reunions, why their sons don't get into law school... I personally know and pay every single mean person on Twitter and every blogger, even the ones who write bad things about me too. They're all in my army! And I won't rest until everyone is under my shoe, or my thumb, or my eyes, or however they said it...wait, Milania just tried to tie her sister to something. Since according to Melissa and her sisters last season I'm so pathetic I can't even afford a nanny, I guess I'll have to be the mom and go take care of this...
A Wedge between Family Members

Then I'm going to go pour myself a big glass of Fabellini to toast another wonderful un-birthday. A very merry un-birthday to you (and you)!

Love, love, love you all!

Tanti Baci,
Teresa xx
@Teresa_Giudice (PS-- My Joe is not and has never been on Twitter! Just me and @TrueGia)

How to Watch

Watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey Sundays at 8/7c on Bravo and stream next day on Peacock.

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