Scary and Mysterious and Magical

Hello my fellow caftan-wearers,

It's finally here! The Moroccan trilogy has begun. And just like Star Wars we will find out that Sonja was  Ramona's mother the entire time after Ramona loses a hand. JK! Nothing that traumatizing will happen -- or not at least physically.

Since we are in a foreign place, I felt I shouldn't continue my usual recap system of a moment for each of the boroughs. So instead of trying to figure out the Moroccan borough system (none, apparently), I'm just going to go Top 5 on your djellabas.

Honorable Mention: Jill Zarin's Reading Glasses

A 30 some-odd hour plane ride necessitates comfort, and Jill's spectacles provide just that. Plus they gave some gravitas and adorability to her Bobby Zarin-penned toast (Bobby, not holding back!) and her assertions of when the Jews made it to Morocco. And Jill, no, you do not look like a bumblebee in your tennis outfit.

Number 5: Ramona Singers Travel Rider

Packing is an art. Do you roll up your socks into your shoes? Do you make do with just a carry-on and TSA-approved toiletries? Do you bring each piece from your highly successful jewelry line and its coordinating stand? If you're Ramona Singer the answer to that last question is always yes. And so what if you need a little help getting yourself situated. It's a large house to not have help (someone get that woman a "ding ding" as she requested). And if your co-traveler wants to stand with the van until her bags is accounted for, so be it! It's vacation! You want everything at the homestead to be just so -- that way you can roll through town in your van looking at "poverty" and "dust" without worrying if your things will be in order back at home.

Number 4: HangerGate

Like many of the great mysteries we may never know the truth about who took Cindy's hangers. But if it gave us these two amazing bits of imagery wasn't it all worthwhile?

"Of course we are you dumb fool, you're acting like an a--hole." -- Ramona Singer

And this photo:

LuAnn de Lesseps, problem solver.

Number 3: Ramona and Sonja's Escape from Witch Riad

If you happen to have the sort of viewing device that allows you to pause your episode, I strongly urge you to freeze it when LuAnn realizes Sonja and Ramona are fleeing up the stairs and away from her. Her crestfallen expression as her she realizes her attempts to lure them with the promise of white wine and caftans has so spectacularly failed is indeed one of the most sad-larious things I have ever witnessed. Oh LuAnn, they had to work out their feminine hygiene product sharing system. It's not you.. .OK, maybe Ramona said it was you.

Number 2: They're Some Cold-Hearted Snakes, Look Into Their Eyes, Wa-Oh, They've Been Telling Lies

I don't know that I could make any jokes or witty repartee that measures up to how delightful the snake charmer actually was. My new happy thought is Cindy yelling "Alright, Jill take it off ya' head." Just watch the whole thing now! Oh God, and that dance breakdown afterwords. Truly we've done something right for this entire sequence to have happened.

Number 1: Wheel of Fortune!

Messing with the future is always a risky proposition. I myself try to stay out of it as much as possible (I don't even like those coffee pots that you can set the night before! Too presumptuous if you ask me). So when the ladies pulled up a kitchen stool (literally they were practically having their palms read in the cabinet) I was nervous. There was a high percentage someone was not going to be pleased.

And we began to tick off the options: Jill Zarin talks a lot -- alright, so far this lady has only proven herself an avid series watcher, nothing too revelatory. Kelly may get another little jelly bean in her oven -- she actually wants that, so hoorah! Sonja needs to learn the importance of love over money -- not the most gentle reading, but useful information for anyone (though hats like this don't buy themselves).

And then it was sweet Ramo's turn. As she clutched the card to he breast (which was that a special instruction she received or was she more thorough than her counterparts?) those who knew limited French (me!) were instantly aware -- c'est non bon news (pardon the Franglish). Une Autre Femme!??! Fade to cliffhanger!? What?! Find Mario! Bring him to me and let's solve this. I can't wait another week to know what truth awaits -- or for this:

Let's prepare by spending the next seven days quaffing Moroccan tea and reading our own auras! I need more Morocco now!