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The Vagina Monocles

Our Associate Editor ponders drum circles, toaster ovens, and designer muses.

Hello my little cou-cous!

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This week was all about travel and the prospect of travel. We journeyed to the spa to rest and relax with our brunette buddies, then we frolicked to the plastic surgeon for some maintenance with the blondes, and most of all we packed our bags full (of grudges) for the trip to Morocco. Let's see how the ladies spent their moments before jetting off, shall we?

The City Ramona That Never Sleeps

LuAnn wants to know how Ramona sleeps at night. Is it on her side? Is she a 45 on her Sleep Number bed? Does she light a lavender candle before nestling in? How many sheep does she have to count before her eyes get oh, so, heavy?

Or do none of those things work because she's so cruel woman?

LuAnn seems pretty confident it's that last one. Since Ramona is so busy ambushing Jill at parties and harassing Howie, she must be stirred from slumber by her guilt.

But Ramona isn't having it. She even admits she doesn't look that good! Plus, that Howie debacle is done, settled -- didn't you get the update LuAnn?

The scene was a stand-off. Even the handing over of the Australian koala bear from Jill wasn't enough to force Ramona to back down. I was petrified. I had no idea such a vicious argument could occur in a place as cheerily named as "Alice's Teacup."

The Queens of Toaster Ovens

There's an old Southern expression: Don't put the toaster oven photo shoot before the toaster oven cookbook.


Well Lady Morgan must not have heard it either, because she has no qualms throwing together a little promotional photo shoot that involves her writhing in a ballgown underpants-less on a dining room table. Those recipes will write themselves, but those steamy shots with monogrammed pieces of toast won't. That's why she simply had to go ahead and get this photo shoot in the can.

Kelly, being an author herself, was obviously called in to give the final approval. Unfortunately she wasn't so pleased with what she saw (vagina) -- a fact she discussed at length that we'll cover in a little segment, I like to call. . . .

No Woman is a Staten Island, That's Why Kelly Needs Help Talking Vaginas

For someone who wrote a book on bikinis, Kelly has not seen that much of the female nether regions. The car ride to Canyon Ranch for a Cindy-sponsored spa weekend taught us a lot about sweet Kelly -- all shocking.

Kelly has never seen another ladies business beyond her own. I find this to be insane. Has she ever been to the movies? The doctor's office? The internet? A public bathroom with poorly functioning locks?

The other ladies were as equally aghast. How could this be? How could she have so much trouble saying the word "vagina"? Why was Sonja showcasing her nether regions in order to get people to use a toaster oven anyway? Couldn't she have put a thong on? Can anyone get Cindy tickets to The Vagina Monocles? (Which is a play I'd really, really like to see. Get on it playwrights of America.)

There was also another major revelation in the car that was significantly less jubilant -– Kelly has been in a physically abuse relationship. I have to say that tender moment of her and LuAnn just hugging it out moved me, and I wish nothing but puppies and rainbows for Ms. KKB going forth. She deserves it.

Brooklyn's Prospect Park Drum Circle

True story: Often times when I'm relaxing in Brooklyn's fine Prospect Park, I can hear the thunderous pounding of the drum circles in the distance. I think to myself, who are these people participating in this community of drumming? Who are the women pattering along to nature and harnessing their inner thoughts?

Now I know: it's Jill Zarin, Cindy Barshop, LuAnn de Lesseps, and Kelly Killoren Bensimon.


And they are sharing their deepest darkest secrets at the same time. . .

"I like to wear large jewelry when I'm drumming."

Is it just me or is the Countess on fire with the jabs this season? Also Kelly is obsessed with smells. I find this somehow not jaw-dropping at all.

Rumble in the Anti-Bullying Bronx

But this week wasn't all drum circles and jovial vagina-talk. Things were tense. Ramona and LuAnn's anger toward each other had steeped like their Alice's Teacup tea so when Jill's Anti Bullying event rolled around that kettle was a-whistling.

I'm not sure we've ever had a fight in Housewives history that focused solely on being a designer's muse -- wait, I'm forgetting that time that Teresa and Danielle fought over Karl Lagerfeld's affections (I kid, I kid). Things quickly deteriorated into a "We had a party and didn't invite you" kerfuffle, but were tempered a bit when Jill appeared saying everything was fine.

Oof. This was one of those instances when Ramona couldn't have done right in the other ladies' eyes. Because none of the angst was resolved, every move she made at the shindig made the Brunettes (those alliances sure formed nicely, right?) incensed. The miscommunication about the case of wine Ramona brought to the shindig -– horrid! Ramona handing the designers' daughter some cast-off Diet Cokes -– inexcusable! Not letting Kelly speak about how stressed she was to go on the trip –- problematic. Ramona's comments to Jill about her stepdaughter -- foreboding. While the ladies wanted to get on level ground before they transverse the globe, Ramona seems to think the Moroccan air will heal all wounds.

Time will tell. . .but we're thinking no, based on this amazing trailer!

Chills, I tell you! Everyone in our office got chills. I cannot wait to watch these gals on vacation.

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