Tamra: I'm Going to Be a Tam-ma!

Tamra will apologize until she's blue in the face about Shannon, but she's choosing to focus on her family.

So much has happened since I last did a blog. To be honest, with you the only thing that matters to me right now after watching this episode is my family. We honestly have been through hell and back this year.

I can say I am sorry until I am blue in the face for telling Heather about the email and people will still rip me apart. I got it.  I was wrong for not admitting to Shannon right away that I did tell Heather. I honestly thought because it was going to be out there anyway that it was OK to tell Heather -- until I saw the look on Shannon's face at that moment. I knew immediately that I was wrong and tried to call her in her car on the way home. I continued to call her until she agreed to go to dinner with me. I might have a big mouth, but I know when I am wrong and I have no problem saying I am sorry.

Terry saying he was going to "take the Beadors down": I have no Idea where that came from. I have racked my brain and even thought to myself "Did that somehow come out of my mouth?" But I know those exact words never left my lips. I had a few conversations with Shannon in the beginning of the Season about how the Dubrows and the Beadors do not get along. Could I have said jokingly "Watch out Shannon, the Dubrows are going to take you down"? Terry does not even talk like that! Shannon had said to me that I told her and David, so at dinner that night I point blank asked David if he ever heard me say that and he said "NO!" 

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It hurts me that Vicki would back up that statement, and if she really believed I said that -- then why didn't she say anything that night at the beach house? Why did she wait until she was in her interview to say that? Why? Because I never said that to her! Vicki seems to be stabbing me in the back in her interviews every chance she can. I have been very careful to not bring Brooks' name up at all this season out of respect for Vicki. I was asked by Shannon and Lizzie how I felt about Brooks and I spoke the truth "I feel like there is someone better for her and I don't think he is a good guy." If you remember, the last time I saw Brooks was at the Reunion last year -- when Briana dropped that bomb. I decided that I would give Brooks another chance, and I did. Vicki continues to blame me for Briana not liking Brooks, which is a total joke to me. Briana knew Brooks and made up her mind way before I ever met him. And it doesn't look like she will be changing her mind any time soon. I guess it is easier for Vicki to blame me then to blame her own family?

A few days before Ryan told me he was going to move in with Sarah I was served with legal papers that my ex wanted to modify custody. A few days later it was all over the news. My kids faces were splashed all over the tabloids with horrible headlines. My children, the one thing that means the most to me in the world was being threatened. I had not slept in days and had been crying non-stop.

The news of Ryan's blood disorder had just shook our family and we were trying to wrap our mind around the diagnosis.  Hemochromatosis is a genetic blood disorder. In simple terms, your body produces to much iron. There is no cure and it is a lifetime of treatment and special diet. Ryan goes in once a week to get his blood drained. If it is not treated he could have liver failure, heart problems, diabetes, cancer,  and many other life-threatening issues. This disease has nothing to do with him taking HGH. In fact had he never taken HGH, we would have never known he had the issue until it was too late. So the good thing is Dr. Lee caught before any damage was done to his organs.

I understand that Ryan is 28 years old and can make his own decisions. But a mother knows when their child is making a mistake. It is never a good idea to met someone and get married right away. It take times to get to know a person. I waited three years before I married Eddie, and there was still a time I felt like we rushed it -- even though everything was good.

I felt Ryan was in such a good place in his life, working at CUTFITOC.com and living the dream down on Balboa Island. I had never seen him so happy before. My biggest fear was that he would rush into marriage and end up divorced. As a mom you never want your kids to experience the bad things that you have. Eddie was right. I needed to just let go and wish him well.

Sarah reminds me a lot of myself. She is a very strong girl that has gone through a lot in her life. I admire Sarah and have gotten to know her better in the past few months. The wedding has been put on hold. As you might know God had another plan for Sarah and Ryan before they got married. They are pregnant and expecting a baby on Valentine's Day. This came as a BIG shock, but I am happy to say that everyone is very excited. I guess I am getting the baby I wanted. I'm going to be a Tam-ma. All I have to do now is convince them to move closer.

More about: Tamra Judge

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