Jackie Warner vs. The People

The recently coined "Moo-nificent 7," a group of participants on Bravo's Thintervention with Jackie Warner, were indicted last week on multiple counts of perjury and misconduct of food and exercise. All seven pled not guilty. The suspects sat motionless and stone faced inside a tense therapy room this past Monday as the judge handed down the verdict. 

The trial has garnered nationwide attention, due to former Real Housewives of Orange County's Jeana Keough and her large fan base. Jeana was charged and convicted on several counts including five weeks worth of perjury, abduction of the real Jeana Keough and replacement of a Stepford replica, and an additional weight gain of one pound. "She has a lot of support from viewers, I just hope that someone can break through to her," an unidentified source added. Jeana will be packing her overnight bag and heading north to Los Angeles where she will be serving her sentence under house arrest in West Hollywood with Bryan and Miguel starting on Tuesday.

Prosecutors felt they had Stacy's conviction in the bag from the beginning. "The most damning piece of evidence was when Stacy took the witness stand," said the prosecution. Stacy's attack of Jackie "The Jackass" Warner did not go over well with jurors. "Watching the evidence played back of her excessive verbal diarrhea and leaky tear ducts just seemed over-rehearsed," said juror Florence Puttenmeyer. Stacy was charged and convicted on two counts of perjury and as well as one count of attempted homicide by boredom on a date. A gag order has been placed on Stacy, which her lawyers will most definitely appeal.

The Judge commented on Nikki's manicure before handing down the guilty verdict. "If you have time to get your nails minxed, you certainly have time to workout!" quipped Judge Hendricks. When Nikki took the stand during the trial, a hush fell over the room. District Attorney Ramani fired question after question ending with "How many cocktails did you have this week? Answer the question." Ms. Wood looked vaguely amused at the accusation and quickly responded, "I actually don't know." That was enough to convince the jury that they had their verdict. Nikki sat in disbelief as she was convicted of perjury and over 22 counts of pickling her liver. Experts are not sure of the psychological damage caused this week with Nikki's stunning two pound weight gain, but believe her sentence may be just the thing she needs. Ms. Wood took a reduced sentence by agreeing to be admitted to MERC in Calabasas. "The Mandy Ellen Recovery Camp is an amazing facility, and is exactly what she needs at this point," said Bedd E. Fohard, a licensed professional. Jackie Warner had this to add, "The number one reason Nikki failed this week is because of the alcohol, period." Ms. Wood has filed a suit against Ms. Warner on several counts including breaking and entering, stalking, loitering, and trespassing. No word if any of these charges will even be permissible in a federal court of law.

Hair stylist Fritz Helmut believed his client, Shay would be found innocent and was outraged that Shay was convicted on several counts of perjury as well as four counts of indecent hair exposure. Shay could not be reached for comment.

Joe was cleared on all counts of perjury but was charged with several other counts including terrorism upon the fashion community, disorderly conduct of whining for one on one time with Jackie Warner and aggressive lack of empathy and compassion towards all women and has been court ordered to undergo intensive sensitivity training.

Mandy, was also cleared of all charges and parties on both sides agreed that somehow this mother of five happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The judge felt that she was a positive role model and Mandy was released back into high society.

Bryan was found not guilty on all counts of perjury but was sited with excessive language and verbally threatening Jackie Warner during the MMA workout. Bryan's outlandish claims of a woman named Ethel, "Blowing in like a twister straight out of Kansas and lashing out at Jackie" seemed somewhat fabricated as no witness ever appeared on his defense. His lack of enthusiasm for the workout and accusations of Dojo employees being "Kinda gay for enjoying balls on their chins" struck a nerve with the jury. Bryan's claim however, of being gay bashed in high school along with losing six pounds this week certainly helped in his conviction being overturned. Bryan had this to say after his win in court. "I really didn't get to go into much detail about my attack in high school so I wanted to set the records straight today. I had been having a "special" relationship with a fellow student for a few years in junior high and into high school. Until one day, something inside of him snapped. He waited in front of my house until my stepfather had left to run a quick errand and then decided to approach my front door. He rang the bell and when I answered, he sucker punched me in the face. The blow was so hard that my teeth went through my lip and my nose was broken. He threatened that if I ever tried to make any type of contact with him again, even glance his way in the hallway, he would beat the s#*$ out of me in front of the entire school.  When my stepfather returned from the corner store about 5 minutes later, I quickly made up a lie and said that I had tripped trying to answer the phone and my face slammed into the counter. I was lucky my stepfather bought my story that day, because I was not equipped at that time with the proper tools to have dealt with the reality of the situation. I kept my mouth shut and avoided any and all contact with this boy and lived in fear my entire high school career." Jackie Warner had this to say after hearing of the story and of his aggressive behavior during the MMA workout, "Bryan was bullied. I can understand that now. That makes total sense to me, as it didn't before."

After the trial, the seven were given a chance to address the court, and only Joe took the opportunity to lash out as his fellow cast mates. "Coming in here and lying to all of us I don't think it's fair to the people who are trying, who are progressing to have to listen to that bullshit for 5 weeks. Cut it out."

The prosecution held a press conference immediately following the verdict and Jackie Warner stated, "It is very clear now. I see very clearly what's going on with the people that are succeeding and what's going on with the people that are failing." When asked for a reaction on Jackie's comment, Bryan's lawyer released the following statement: "Mr. Donovan is taking the program very seriously and believes that if you truly put in the effort and hard work, results will pay off. The most important key in this process is honesty, which he believes is what Jackie Warner was trying to get it this week. Being honest with yourself and others might be the most important lesson Bryan has taken away from the program, thus far. He will continue to reach out to others and be as supportive as possible. Mr. Donovan supports Jackie's program and looks forward to continuing his journey."