No One Makes Marmalade

The chefs have eaten through the sweet potato fence of the last episode and here we are still in Dallas. 

Beverly is bringing in the karma police to do battle with her arch nemesis Heather. A life-sized voodoo doll is in the works. While furiously making egg rolls in the future “Asian” battle, Heather will suddenly get stabbing pains in her side. Beverly will laugh in a maniacal way. 

Onward to Austin. Paul will be at home but is “sweatin’ balls” right now. These are his words, not mine. We learn, and this is unexpected to me, that Paul was a pot dealer with a messy apartment full of dog turds. Now he is the chef of Uchiko, one of the leading Japanese restaurants in the nation. Youth of today, take note: there is life beyond the dog-pooped apartment you live in. 

Toyota Sienna wagon train time. Hopefully they don’t go via the Donner Pass… these chefs would eat each other faster than any other expedition in history. Heather is looking for a man, a tall man with wavy hair, and would gladly make etouffee with John Besh, as long as he left the Asian fusion out of it. This in lieu of $5000. I love Besh, but I’d take the greenbacks. Matchmaking is the chatter in both vans. Malibu is exposed. It’s been a while since Crary has been to the YMCA to sport his spandex chef jacket. 

I think they have no idea what’s about to occur. Hell, I have no idea what to expect. Tom and Padma are the Quickfire tweet judges. I still have no idea what to expect here. Bacon it is. I would love this. I am thinking Edward is going to excel in this. But no, they aren’t happy just with the simplicity of the bacon, here come the tweet twists: 1. Now its got to have hash. Paul is good for this one from his weed-dealing days. 2. Everyone has to hand off an ingredient to another chef to use. Sriracha for Slingblade. Maple for Malibu. Crary ain’t got no manners. And refuses to open the hot condiment for Lindsay. I love writing Crary and hot and condiment together. 

• Beverly is up first with her belly and hash.

• Moto Chris makes a salty dish with scallops. I am having déjà vu. 

• Heather makes General Tso’s quail. Just kidding. I wish someone had given her soy though. Her dish looks pretty yummy though, for white people food. 

• Ed makes crab with sriracha and potato and cocoa nib and something hash. He will not be pitted in this Asian food thing! 

• Sarah cooks a crisp squash blossom with burrata. Looks great.

• Malibu Chris makes a beauty monkfish dish. His plate looks great but his hair looks fantastic.

• Grayson, German/ Wisconsinite, has made a light and fluffy puff. 

• TyLor has made glazed belly with bacon and kale hash. 

• Paul made clams. With bacon. Landscape of sea and earth. Boy is killing it. 

Bottom tier is Grayson, Moto Chris, and Ed. 

Top tier is Beverly, Sarah, and Paul. 

Winner is Paul. Killing it. He wins in Austin! $30,000 in his wallet. Drinks on Tom at the hotel bar. And in walks in Patti LaBelle.The soul goddess belts out some tunes. Gitchi Gitchi Gitchi . Yeah yeah yeah. Spoiler alert, no one makes marmalade for Lady Marmalade. 

Sarah is crying a lot this episode. Get it together girl. You can do this! 

Whole Foods. Food stories. Moto Chris is going to cook his steaks, but the steaks will look like his grandmother. Modern. 

Beverly has been away from home too long. She tapes a cosmic note of hope to the mirror. It reads “KILL KILL KILL.” Edward looks exactly like his grandmother and doesn’t cook vegetarians. I only cook vegans. They taste good. Like earthy grass. I do think he’s on to something here though, in the fact that the dishes are usually very meat-centric and a veggie dish could easily stand out. We’ll see if it's good. I see an homage to Korea coming soon to a plate near Edward. 

Paul is cooking a Filipino adobo influenced by the Texas Hill Country. I think of Whataburger in another language. Heather is cooking Beef Stroganoff and having some issues with tenderness. She has a lot of issues with emotional tenderness as is fully evidenced in previous episodes. Karma police are in full effect.

Judges like Chris’ idea, but worry about the sauce. I think great food sometimes, but the reality can be a bitch. He is looking a little less styled and manscaped, and the stress may be getting to him. Heather is getting some bad reviews on her Bigfoot meat. You have to really braise Sasquatch for a long time to be tender. She should call in a member of BFRO, Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. It exists, I s--t you not. Paul’s quail with ginger rice and salsa is pleasing all soul singers. Emeril is coming over to Patti’s house. “With bells on.” My grandmother, Freda, rest in peace, used to use that line all the time. Sarah is cooking sausage again, but this time it's singin’. Looks great. 

Beverly has cooked short rib with edamame and mushrooms. Her short rib is treasured. Top 10 on the R&B charts. Crary has a salmon with a carrot puree and confit potato. The dish is a little convoluted and brings the ire of Tom. 

Edward is cooking Bibimbap. Crazy veggie move!I like it. Lindsay is cooking for two grandmothers, Greek and Southern. It’s a trout spanakopita with trout roe. Emeril and Patti have eaten caviar together before, but Emeril thinks the dish is too butter-rich and blasts out the other flavors. Ed’s egg dish is loved. Nice play, Mr. Lee.

Grayson has meat 'n' potatoes. Ribeye with veggies and potato salad. Wisconsin style may be a little big for even Texas. Ty-Lor has chicken fingers with peaches. They love it. They all want crayons and a word find game though. 

Good golly, Padma is looking hot. Crary is speechless. Low tier is called first: Heather, Crary, and Grayson. I have a certain Radiohead song in my head. Tom takes a swing at Heather with Beverly’s successful pressure cookery. Tops: Ed, Beverly, and Sarah. Ed is so genuine and fun. Beverly is relieved. Sarah needs to drink some water as she has cried a lot in the last few days. All of them rocked this episode. Sarah wins. Well=deserved. She is a smart cook, who shines through with a perfect happy personality to run a happy kitchen. You want a great chef? She’s right there. 

Heather goes home to work on her tenderness. Karma Police. This is what you get when you mess with Bigfoot.