This Reunion was like the end to an era for our group. One year ago, I never would have pictured my life the way that it is now.
In mid-November, Tom had gone out with friends one night and didn't come home. After waking up several times throughout the night/morning, he suddenly appeared in bed around 10 am. After finding a photo booth strip on our living room floor of he and Ariana, I went through his phone (not proud) and found all of the evidence that I needed to prove that he was at her house around 7 am. I asked him simply what he did the night before, why he didn't come home, and if he was with Ariana. As you can imagine, he lied. He claimed he did not see her and was at Scheana's all night. Why lie if there is nothing to lie about? My heart sunk. After a lot of tears and some arguing, he finally admitted the truth and that they had once again "kissed." Now that time has passed, the details of their affair aren't as important, but I know in my gut that it was more than a kiss.
Pathetically, I continued to convince myself that this was something we could work through when Tom put the final nail in the coffin and broke up with me. Over the course of the next few weeks, we were hot and cold. . .still living together and I was in complete denial about our breakup. He still needed to borrow my car, get rides to places and once in a while we would go out together with our friends. I convinced myself that if I gave him the space that he had asked for, he would eventually miss me and we would get back together.
As you can imagine, I was a wreck. I battled with knowing that this was probably for the best and convincing myself that he was the one for me. I want to take a second to thank Shay and especially Scheana for selflessly being the most amazing friends to me during this time. As hard as it was for Scheana to be in the middle man position, she didn't condone the cheating and was there for me at the drop of a hat. A few weeks after the break up, Tom packed a few bags and started staying with Scheana and Shay. I think this was partially to take his space away from me and also to reiterate that we were really over. As I said at the Reunion, the only thing I can thank Tom for is leaving. Out of sight, out of mind was really the only way that I would be able to start becoming independent and be strong enough to be without him.
Tom and I are both guilty of pointing fingers and playing the victim in our relationship. I can repeat ten times over that I don't condone my infidelity and that two wrongs don't make a right, ever. To set the record straight: I did have an emotional/sexual affair with someone years ago and I did sleep with Jax. Tom cheated with five girls in five and a half years.
In hindsight, it's obvious that Tom and I should have broken up a long time ago. We both had so much resentment; there really was no bouncing back. For so many years, I didn't feel like his girlfriend. I felt like his mom, his personal assistant, his maid. I focused more on his day-to-day then I did my own. He didn't have a car for a year at a time on two separate occasions, so it was my job to make sure he could get around, even if it meant sacrificing my own schedule. I would make sure he was up in the morning, on time for appointments. I would open his mail, pay the bills, clean the house and basically wipe his a--. I'm aware that these were choices that I made and I wasn't forced into them, but I cared about him so much that I was willing to sacrifice my happiness to make his life easier. The fun and the attraction dissipated over time and it felt like more of a business arrangement than a relationship.
Back to December. . .I want to be very clear that James was not "Tom's friend" who stole me away as a ploy for revenge. James was our friend and after our break-up, Tom stopped coming around. He fell off of the map and was only hanging out with Ariana, Scheana, and Shay. I didn't plan for James and I to start dating. He is an amazing friend to me and I truly thank him for giving me the tough love I needed after the break up. He put his foot down against my tears and told me to move on the way that Tom already had. He wasn't trying to woo me in to bed or screw Tom over -- it was a natural transition that neither of us expected or planned. He became one of my best friends and the chemistry was undeniable.
After Tom found out about James and I were seeing each other, he gave James an ultimatum that he could either be friends with Tom and stop speaking to me or vice versa. I was home for the holidays when James called me to say that the situation was too complicated and that he would have to stop talking to me in order to reconcile his friendship with Tom. A few days later when I got back to LA, James and I naturally fell back in to place and he made his decision. It is easy for Tom to play the victim in this situation -- that I "stole" his bandmate when the truth is, Tom was using James to produce his tracks. As Tom's ex-girlfriend, I owed him nothing. He had already moved on to a relationship with a girl he had cheated on me with. It was not my responsibility to deny my happiness out of sensitivity for him anymore.
The way that I felt at the Reunion is different than how I feel today. The wound of seeing Tom and Ariana together was still slightly fresh for me although I was beginning to accept it. I thought it was tasteless and tacky for them to throw it in my face the way that they did. I also think that Tom just wanted a reaction out of me so that he could reiterate how emotional I could be. Although I had begun seeing someone else, it was hard to see my ex-boyfriend of almost six years with someone else -- especially the one person I had been so insecure about for so many years. No s---, I was insecure. No s---, I was emotional.
It's laughable that they label me as "crazy" when every fear that I had regarding Tom and Ariana became true. I don't wish them unhappiness, but I don't wish them well. I try to let go of my anger because it isn't serving any purpose other than taking time away from my happiness and Tom doesn't deserve that satisfaction. At this point, I don't ever see Tom and me getting back together. As difficult as he is currently trying to make my life, I do care about his well-being and hopefully one day we can be friends.