Things fall apart: Roots of my animosity
A sad day indeed. Going into that awful night I was OK on the outside, but inside I knew something was amiss. I was squirming under the surface.You could just feel it in the air, it was palpable. An inevitable confrontation impending. I was guilt-ridden for letting my good friend and first male-on-male kiss, Tom Sando, be ambushed in the manner in which he was.
I sat him down and apologized for what I had done. We reflected and sort of just wallowed in the residual shock of how it all went down. Poor Sando was just a shell of his self at that point and I felt partially responsible. Throughout all of this I was appalled that Kristen had the balls to even show up at Scheana's engagement party. She had this unapologetic air about her, the audacity of her presence was infuriating. I mean just looking at her face pissed me off.
I don't remember much from that night, not because of alcohol, but more from just constant awkward tension clouding my memory. I was only partially present. The most vivid moment is when I saw Kristen leaning into my girlfriend and Stassi in an aggressive, brazen manner as if to say, "F-- you bitches. Yeah I did this what of it?" That's when I snapped and stepped in. I know better than to ever lay my hands on a woman but in that moment I lost it.
Really I was ready to forgive her for the Jax thing pretty quickly because it's really not my business anyways. Even more than that, i just don't care enough. It's the way Kristenhandled herself after that got me. The audacity and sheer lack of self-awareness was just too much. She pulled a Lance Armstrong, attacking her accusers before the truth was revealed.
That also was the culmination of three years of living with her crap. The countless sleepless nights. Having anxiety when she was slamming doors, causing police to show up and locking herself in the bathrooms. Her having COMPLETE meltdowns over something like the delivery guy putting onions on her pizza by accident. Her causing everyone around her to be miserable bc she couldn't decide on an outfit. Her stupid speeches about how she "likes that She's crazy" as if it's endearing or idiosyncratic. Her textbook passive aggressiveness. Her utter lack of self-control and disregard for everyone's peace around her -- often behaving like a snot-nosed brat who throws a fit in a store. She honestly made myself and ALL of our neighbors crazy. Just ask them. Of course there were many good times together as well.
Kristen is OK, but her redeeming qualities are outweighed by all of her polarizing behavior and inability to cope with problems. We all have issues sometimes, but she needs to learn to handle hers with integrity and scope. She has been a pretty good friend but also a steady source of petty melodramatic B.S. since I have lived in LA.
It killed me to see my good friend someone I care about (Tom) put up w all her crap for so many years. It may be hard to believe reading this, but I don't harbor any ill will anymore. Living with her would have pushed anyone to their limits. She is a rad person to be acquaintances with. To grab a beer or shoot the s---. Maybe it was just her being deep in love that can account for some of her crazy back then. Maybe I have some unresolved issues with this. Katie and I were pretty sick back then too. Fights over NOTHING consistently.
All this being said, I feel like schmuck and a d-bag for losing control of myself. It's strange to see it played back on TV. Hard to believe I let myself get to that point. I who is usually preaching balance and perspective. The dark side crept in, if only for a moment and tainted the Schwartz. Something that won't soon happen again. It does really irk me that I was pushed to the few temper tantrums I had.
I swear I went 10 years without even raising my voice before I started hanging with this crew, who I do still love. One can only take so much of other people petty B.S. and issues. Sometimes I wonder if years from now this jaded history will fade away and we will be friends again. I hope she finds some balance and happiness. Pardon the lack of flow here, just riffing.