Mazel: Taylor Swift because according to sources, she has broken up with her boyfriend, Conor Kennedy. It’s sad, but news of the breakup comes at the exact same time Taylor’s new album is out and all of the stories about it seem to contain a plug for that album! Bittersweet total coincidence alert! Is Conor Kennedy even a real person? I fully expect Taylor’s next boyfriend to be named George Glass.
Jackhole: Hurricane Sandy! They’re calling her everything from the Perfect Storm to the Frankenstorm, weather people are freaking out saying she could bring the heaviest rains the east coast has ever seen. Sandy, if you’re listening, I want to say to you, bitch, you better stay back! Furthermore Sandy is a really stupid name for something that could probably kills us all.