Mazel: Felix Baumgartner, this is the Austrian extreme athlete, he dove a record breaking 24 miles from space to Earth today. He broke the freakin’ sound barrier but he didn’t break himself, which is amazing. So way to go, Felix, we are so glad you lived because for many reasons, you’re also kinda hot.
Jackhole: Prehistoric man, scientist have learned through fossils that prehistoric man ate panda bears. Which in prehistoric times were much smaller and therefore even more adorable. How could you, prehistoric man?! I mean, I’m challenged when I eat at Panda Express sometimes, that’s how much I love pandas.