Even though this episode's events happened a few months ago, I am still processing it. I had to watch the episode again in order to write this blog. I'd rather I hadn't. I am still not clear as to why Ryan would deceive me. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and behaved inexusably. Sometimes when bad things happen to me, I feel I deserve it. Jenni calls it the "Karma Boomerang Effect." This time, I do not feel I deserved it. I am trying so hard to find the lesson in this, but I still can't see it. I am just so hurt and disappointed. Usually, when someone hurts me, I want to see them hurt or upset. This is an unusual situation because I would never want to see Ryan hurt or upset. Normally, I just channel my feelings into anger and revenge. This time is different because I am just sitting here with my sadness not knowing what to do with it. It looks like I will be going back to therapy (again). It feels so bad.