Dr. Eris: How Can I Change My Spouse?
Dr. Eris Huemer explains that you can't force your partner to be on the same page as you.
We all go through times in our relationship where we encounter discomfort in our relationships. We think to ourselves, "Did I choose the right person?" We have countless reasons why "this just won't work."
The majority of the time we blame the other person for why it "won't" and "can't" work.
There are times when this is true -- like when the red flags are so huge you can't ignore them, and the other person is unwilling to change these things within themselves. However, the majority of the time you CAN work through challenging situations.
Your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out" of the relationship and not seem to care about making any efforts of their own.
You ask yourself, "How do I get my spouse to change?" You have a list of 101 things that you could change about them.
So, how are you going to make your spouse change? You aren't! When you really think about it; nobody makes changes when it is IMPOSED UPON THEM. We like to INITIATE OUR OWN CHANGES. When we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might.
Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your relationship -- right now. But, that doesn't mean that they don't want to be with you. Everyone wants a great relationship. But, the fact is that if they're going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA -- when they are ready. Your spouse will not change one second before then. And, the more you push them, nag them, threaten them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I can't tell you how many times a spouse will say to me that their significant other changed for a few days, but then returned to their old ways. That's because they never really decided to change. They were pressured. They were manipulated. And the change didn't stick.
So, what do you have to do? BACK OFF of your spouse! It is time for YOU to start creating the change that you want to find. Start giving more positive energy within your relationship.
Trust me, I know how hard it can be to wait. You saw firsthand how Clayton and I weren’t on the same page of when to have a baby. I always knew that Clayton wanted to have a baby, but the timing was different than mine. It was hard for me to wait, because I wanted these changes to happen in my time frame and the way I wanted it, and also because my biological clock was going tick tock tick tock. But the thing is, HE had to come up with when and how he would be willing to make this major life change. It was a family decision, not a singular one. I couldn’t force him. Nor would I want to do that because it would eventually cause resentment within our relationship. Instead, I chose to do my research and remain patient until we did get on the same page as you were able to see tonight on the season finale. (I hope you keep watching and following me on Twitter and sign up for my website newsletter HERE to stay tuned into what happens next).
So, are YOU ready to make some changes?
You can be the inspiring example of change in your relationship. It is a myth that your relationship won't change until your spouse does the shifting. The more love we show, the more love we will begin to feel. You can actually make more than 50% of the difference in your relationship yourself. As Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU making the changes that will have the greatest impact for you and your experience within your relationship. AND, it's YOU changing that will motivate your spouse to start making some changes on their own.
To your REALationship Success!