The problem is that I am 38 (at the time of filming.) Tick tock tick tock. I am experiencing the baby gap -- a void, chasm and space where there’s something missing. There is an internal panic that I am running out of time. In clinical terms: anxiety.
When I see myself on the show and hear my words of wanting a baby, I am pushed to tears. These feelings are very real. I become afraid when I think of my girlfriend who has had five miscarriages in a row after 40, and at 42, she still doesn’t have a baby. Or my other friend who froze her eggs and now at the age of 45, still single, is not taking to the IVF treatments. Right now I am holding onto the positive fact that two other of my closest girlfriends got pregnant at the age of 39 and 42 and have beautiful and healthy babies.
I look back at the last 20 years of my life and see that I have chosen freedom to follow my dreams and come this far in my career. I’ve gone through life with the mindset that so many women in my generation have started their families later due to the result of a combination of increased economic power, later marriage, the two-income family, the high cost of childcare, longevity, and a culture that rewards female independence, individualism and a strong career identity.
But, then a darker, extremely painful side in waiting to conceive sets in. This is where the panic takes over and any logical “smart” thinking, that my husband has, goes out the window. I stop believing that I need to be financially stable, have the perfect house, work less, and that I don’t want my child to be raised by a nanny. Instead, I start listening to what my mother is telling me: don’t wait any longer. You’ll regret it.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
While Clayton looks at the external factors that come into play with having a child, I consider that Mother Nature doesn’t always cooperate. All of us women have heard the bleak statistics—that women over 40 have only a five percent chance of conceiving every month; as opposed to a 20 percent chance each month for women 30 years of age--the risks of chromosomal abnormalities and pregnancy ending in miscarriage increasing. And the only guarantee with IVF treatments is that they cost tens of thousands of dollars. I have no control over biology. And these facts freak me out.
So are you crazy, bringing you Mom to a very personal private matter between a husband and wife and Doctor. I think you are very fortunate he even went to the meeting.
Sorry doc, Clayton seems pretty clear that he DOESN'T want a child and even told you to stay on the pill. Acknowledging that we only see edited footage, those were his words, and he truly doesn't seem interested. In fact, he seems like he is faking his smiles, his interest, and is placating you. Then there is the issue of a sexless marriage....these are huge issues, not exactly a great relationship to bring a child into.
Are you in denial. Clearly, your desire to have a baby has blinded you to the clues that your husband is mean and kinda not into you. Men will have sex with a cream pie. I don't buy the story of bring too busy. And when he said your breath was bad.men don't complain to morning sex...I think you should get happy, get a divorce, and adopt a baby.
Pettoi A cream pie!!! LOLOL.....gotta remember that one. I agree, its pretty clear there is more going on here the doc is turning a blind eye to.
Hello Dr. Erin. Sorry to say, but by his body language, he even looked mortified about your approach. I am not an expert, but clearly, he doesn't want kids or he doesn't want to have kids with you. In my opinion, he is no longer into you. try your best to rescue your relation, but without forcing it. Love should flow easy. It should not be that hard. I also feel that you are still traumatized about your breast surgery. You are very beautiful, but I this can also be obstructing your sex life. I think you don't feel confident enough to try with another relationships. He is not the only man in the world. About your sex life, Hotels and vacation times are perfect to put back on track the sex life. Try at least once a month. Sometimes, people are too stress around the same bed, and home. Please, no green cocktail, not that romantic...
Dr. Eris - I don't know how else to say this but, he's just not that into you. :'-(
All I saw was a disinterested man being mean and hurtful toward you. You appear to be so bright and lovely. You deserve better. We all deserve to be cherished. You should cut bait and run. Go find someone who knows how to value you. As far as having a baby? You only need a little itty bitty part of what a man has to offer to make that happen. Go for it! Make it happen for yourself!
First, I would like to ask - What is up with all the negative review's (mainly from people educated enough to know better) concerning this show? I have read several of these review's - from The New York Post, to personal cast experience's - I have read where these therapists have lost patient's, malpractice lawyer's being infuriated with them, where they are being viewed unethical - etc - etc - etc - just because they made the decision to do this show? Am I missing something? Do these people, with these negative view's and comments, really think a therapist should be without problems? Does it make them less of a therapist because of being on this show? PLEASE! Therapist are human - therefore meaning with problems and they do make mistakes! Doing the show, or not doing the show, changes nothing! These theraphist's are who they are - not doing the show will not make them any better in this field - or being on the show will not make them less of a therapist - but I can say this - being on the show and letting others see them as real people (which they are) and not fake ( as others evidently expect them to be) - should show censirity and validate them even more as a therapist - and anyone seeking help from this field would pick real over fake any day! It seems to me that these negative people expect a therapist to be an illusion! - and if this is so - then why do we care what they think anyway? I say - CONGRADULATIONS ON HAVING THE BALLS TO DO THIS SHOW - and, if I did need a therapist - I would want one like these three - ones that actually admit to fault - and yes, an extensive education is needed and very important if one does decide to work in this field - and needed before extending help to others - but - some things cannot be taught through books, lectures, degrees, etc - BUT good old fashion - "walked in those shoes" always teaches one far more than any bought education ever could! And these three seem to have both! - what therapist could beat that!
If you have to work on intimacy at this stage of your life, may be it's time to let go, you will be surprised, you can have everything and don't have to settle, especially when your partner is not on the same path as you. life is too short to settle...
I'm no Therapist, but it's so blatant how heartless your husband is. I'm sorry, but that marriage is a dead end. I'd dump that guy and find someone who wants to be intimate with you and share in your dream for a child and family. You know you deserve better..
Sometimes I think shrinks think and talk too much. All the focus and work on something that should be spontaneous gives it less of a chance of just happening. You've had 8 years together to "work"on that, if it's truly work for you. Just have the baby already!! Everything changes after that, so you will have a new set of circumstances to work out, the relationship you had the past 8 years will change anyway, probably for the better, don't be afraid and don't be so calculating, just feel life, good or bad, you really can't plan how you two will feel once baby comes, but you won't regret it, that's for sure!
Dr Eris, I hope people remember the "editing" can make us perceive something that it's not, for the growth of the reality show! I really hope that you can get pregnant, and have that child u dream of. You both have to want it. Your hubby is perceived as NO, I don't want to have a child. It's rather dismissive, of your desires. I have learned that if both parties are not on the same page, it's a caustic negative result. I hope this season will show others, how you work on and change these patterns, for the better. I hope we hear why ur hubby doesn't want a child, other than you'll have less sex? I mean wouldn't having a problem of less sex, and not be working on that be a sign, that he may not honestly want to have a child!? FFT People change, it's wether we change together .. I hope that the haters change the channel, in stead of judging all these reaL people, who are opening up, to help not only them selves as well as make the viewers see the parallels of our lives. Doc, I wanted children badly, tried for many years, it never happened, but I am ok with that. I have another path, not my plan, full of pain, but this battle is just as important for our futures children. I will play the hand that god dealt and be greatful for his gifts . I hope with what ever happens, you feel blessed with your accomplishments... Gods path is never clear.. But your still a beautiful, accomplished woman, with more gifts in your life, then most, be greatful for your path!! A fan!
your husband is right: you need to work on your sex life before you can think about a baby. but that doesnt mean you cant freeze your eggs and use a surrogate at a later point. You dont want to bring a child into a marriage where the spouses arent even seeing each other. It's not fair to the kid. As for your husband he needs to give you a child and he needs to be involved with this. marriage means that a husband loves his wife enough to die for her and that a wife submits to her husband. so on the baby thing, wait until the sex and relationship problems are worked out and THEN work on that. make couple time a priority. it will be good practice for when the kiddo arrives and willl set a good example that locking the bedroom door is a good thing.
I'm wondering if you can work on intimacy? I mean if you had it once, maybe, but if you never had it, then it's most likely not going to happen. I don't see much spark between you two, and that makes me sad because you don't want to go through your life without that spark. You deserve someone that will adore you because I think you are adorable. Maybe your man shows his adoration for you off camera, so I know I could be totally off here, but if he doesn't then I would move on and never again settle for less than what you need. I divorced at 29 and asked myself what do I need so I never divorce again…it was good communication, playfulness, and intimacy. After two years and many dates (and prayers) later I found a man who gives me all three and more. We have been married for over ten years now and have three boys. I can tell you, raising children has not been easy, but one thing we always say to one another is, "Thank God we have each other to lean on."
Somewhere communication did break down. You two are on different pages. You reminded me of my sister in law. Her first marriage ended because even though they had the talk and would work on their careers first, she was never ready to have a baby. Seven years of marriege ended primarily on this issue. He remarried and is the father of four. Now she remarried and older man and again the talk was there and she wants a baby (shes 42 and he is 50) and he doesn't. They are in counseling now. You have to think long and hard because even if you end up pregnant, what happes, if he walks out of the marriage because of it? He likes his life the way it is and doesn't want all the work it takes to raise a child. I know because I am a mom
I'm a Registered Nurse and our lives have parallels in some ways. I doubt you read this board, but I am a member of a forum of intelligent, decent, very tight-knit women who have vast real-life knowledge and experience regarding pregnancy, birth, children, etc. If interested, contact me...somehow. LOL As for the show, you and Greg are both wonderful, relatable and polarizing. There is nothing cringe-worthy, there.
I hate to say this, but in the interests of trying to help you I will go out on a VERY unpopular limb. If your husband of 7 years is not on board with fulfilling your heartfelt desire for a child, you should take a good hard look at him and his so-called "commitment" to your marriage. Your husband reminds me of an online friend's French husband. Her husband went into a partnership with another guy on this French restaurant in Boston. He (& his partner) wanted to make sure the partnership contract was written up in such a way as to prevent any "possible" conflicts IF they should get a divorce.
THIS is what your husband seems to be doing. To me, it seems as if he has so little commitment to you and your marriage that he is reluctant to give you a child---who would naturally be a huge source of possible future conflict if your marriage were to fail.
Please DO NOT give him a bigger vote of confidence than what he is giving you and your marriage-after all of these years together and knowing how much you want children.
PLEASE freeze your eggs or get some sperm from a bank? Good Luck!
P.S. I really believe you will be a great Mom. Not sure about your shallow husband. No offense.
Dr. Eris! Please take action!!! You want a baby--if your husband won't give you one---then either get some other sperm or *at least*!!!! freeze your damn eggs!!! OMG!!! Your husband seems very self-centered to me. I have been married twice. 2 failed marriages. My 2nd husband did not want any children. I wanted more children. (I had 1 with husband #1). I did not get pregnant because I loved my husband and valued his opinion more than my own. I regret that decision.
I am 50 now. It is too late for me to have more children. Husbands-may or may not be temporary. Children are forever. Ideally, you should have a happy marriage & have a child from said happy union. But you are on borrowed time at 38 years old. Your husband needs to get with the program NOW or you need to freeze your eggs NOW in anticipation of needing them to procreate with your next husband if this one never gets with the program.
The BEST of LUCK to you and I hope things work out for you to have children in a happy marriage---BUT---more importantly---have some children!!! Believe me all of the low I.Q. people are having as many kids as they can squeeze out. People like you should have as many kids as possible.
Good Luck! I hope you are pregnant soon. With or without your husband. Freeze your EGGS!!!
And the baby thing? Did it ever occur to you to adopt? Don't we have enough kids wanted and unwanted in this world? Stop being so selfish! Take it from a woman who is a year older than you and doesn't have children, not every woman needs a baby to be fulfilled. Don't buy into that. Don't you think it would be better to wait till you're BOTH ready, rather than rush into it, then get divorced a year or two later? There isn't anything wrong with adopting or fostering a child, there are so many out there that could benefit from having parents like you. And be lucky that you have the means to adopt! Think of all the couples who can't conceive and can't afford an adoption (like me).
I really like Dr. Greg, and Dr. V. I can't say the same for you. You come off as very selfish and self-centered, not good traits in a therapist!
@SweetAnnie It is every womans right and choice to want a biological child, just as it someones right and choice if they want to go the adoption route. Stop being judgemental and bitter.
Eagle88 SweetAnnie I wouldn't say my message was bitter, judgementtal perhaps, but this is a reality show and this is a blog, we're supposed to have opinions right? Can you really say that we need more people spitting out kids, when there are so many unwanted kids in the world? Should it make a difference if it's a biological child or not? Last I checked all kids need love and care. Does it matter if they share your gene pool? I don't think it's every woman's right to be a mom it's a privilege one that should be taken seriously with two parents that are going to be around.
I wasn't fond of you this week, in particular during your session with the couple (the woman who wanted more sex). I thought your comments were VERY sexist!!! What's wrong with a woman wanting and communicating to have sex with her partner? Why is it the "man's" job....not cool....maybe that's not what you exactly meant, but that's the way it came off. Not all men, like to be the aggressor, nor do all women like to be the demure, shy, sexually repressed woman. You should be encouraging more woman to be straightforward about their needs. It's that conventional way of thinking is why a lot of women never have orgasms.
Oh....Eris...so sad and hard to watch you with your guy. I married my best friend too, but we weren't and haven't had the best intimacy either...your husbands passive aggressive hurtful attitude...just let him go...he's not very nice...you can't be your authentic self...he doesn't like the tv show...he doesn't like being married...he just wants a glorified roommate... I hope I'm wrong...but when someone acts disinterested they usually are...and why he would be disinterested in you is a loss for him! Quit talking about him giving you a baby, quit trying to make the intimacy deeper...get busy finding you without him and y'all might find each other...