How did you cope with the miscarriage?
TINA: I drank a lot, and then I drank some more. Seriously though, it was heartbreaking. We actually were in Tarz’s parents’ house in PA when it happened. We had traveled there specifically to take them to a prank-dinner where they were told they would be getting “huge news.” I knew they would assume the news was that I was pregnant, so my plan was to order lots of my usual drink, which was whiskey on the rocks, and I had preplanned with the waiter to bring me apple juice every time I ordered whiskey! By the end of the dinner, when their dreams of having a grandchild were totally crushed by all the “whiskey” I was consuming, the waiter was to bring out a cake that we had given him ahead of time that said “Wassup Gramps & Granny?” Tarz and I were REALLY excited for this prank-dinner! But the day before the dinner is when all that insane bleeding started, and we took that trip to the ER and found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I do know it happens to plenty of women, but it’s still heartbreaking and frustrating, especially when the “trying” part has been long and grueling and you’re not exactly 20 years old anymore.
TARZ: Mostly I coped by holding Tina’s hair back when she drank a lot. I definitely was a bit upset about the miscarriage, but candidly, we hadn’t been trying years and years like some couples have to, and I believe that if we miscarried, there was an issue and that we were better off. TINA: Sigh…great freakin’ answer, Tarz. I think it was equally frustrating to cope with Tarz’s lack of emotion about the whole thing! I guess he’s just seeing the silver lining, or maybe he’s being strong for me, but it just comes off like this, “oh well, no big deal, we’ll get ‘em next time kid” kind of attitude, and I want him to be mad or frustrated or...SOMETHING! Our baby just died for god’s sake!
TARZ: I wouldn’t actually say that I’m emotionally monotone. I prefer “peak and valley challenged.” I reserve my ups and downs for what I think are true issues, like people who dump glitter on the lawn and walls. You know, important stuff. On a more serious note -- I used to be much more empathetic and sensitive, and it really affected me to a degree that I felt was debilitating and inhibitive. Although I had those amazing “ups” I had some very serious “downs” -- I was very insecure. Then along the way I grew into the “me” that I am today after making lots of mistakes and growing from them, and learning that life is really, really short. An unfortunate side effect was missing out on a bunch of highs, but it also puts all the lows in perspective. So...I guess emotionally monotone might be the right phrase after all.
TINA: Er, Tarz? I think the question was about how you feel about MY “outspoken nature”! (See? Everyone thinks it’s all about me, but apparently someone else is a little self-obsessed too!) Anyway, it’s very frustrating that Tarz just doesn’t care about anything! Some dude could come into our house and rob us blind, and Tarz would be like, “Oh well, who cares, that guy probably needed all this stuff more than we did.”
TARZ: Oh, um, right. I should answer the actual question. I think that Tina coaxes out my highs, and I balance out her lows. It’s actually amazingly endearing to see how excited she gets, and it’s amazingly stressful to see what she has to go through on the downside. Oh, tangent again, the question was how challenging is it to reconcile. My bad.How difficult was it watching your dad kiss Heather?
TINA: It was ridiculously frustrating! I just wanted to shake him and say, “Loving dad from my childhood, are you in there?!” What’s frustrating is that my dad did just not comprehend that he is totally and completely broken from losing my mom, and that this whole weird “I’m 97-years-old and am going to have a baby with this 20-year-old blond supermodel chick” was just blatant proof that he MUST start the healing process NOW! (OH, and did you guys hear that comment she made about me not really knowing my dad? OMFG, hold me back, Tarz!) Anyway, I know for a fact that none of my dad’s actions are to intentionally hurt Tarz and I, because I know the incredibly loving and supportive dad that he was all throughout my entire life right up until my mom passed away. My dad had a devastating and incredibly sad childhood that forced him to raise himself from the age of 10, and my mom was the only thing that kept him emotionally stable. He must somehow get help in order to find some stability in his life without mom, because right now he is just clearly out of his frickin’ mind with this Heather B.S. TARZ: It wasn’t the act that was all that difficult. What was really difficult was knowing how much it would affect Tina in general, and even more-so how things were approached. I felt it was confrontational instead of being sensitive about the situation. It was honestly like watching a nervous high school kid bring his date to the family and not thinking about what he was doing, but trying to be “cool.” I hated the locker room stuff in high school, and this took me straight back to it.
TINA: I typically love when Tarz defends me, and when it’s something huge, he always has my back. But this whole situation is just so difficult to balance, because as angry as I am at my dad for ignoring how broken he is and for acting out like this, I also don’t want him to feel ganged up on by me and Tarz. I do really love and feel for my dad, and I know Tarz does too. In fact, right after my mom passed, Tarz and I even slept in dad’s bed with him for weeks in order to keep him company at night as we could only imagine what it’s like to lose your soul mate of 37 years. (In our defense, it was a California King sized bed!) Point being, I wanted to Tarz to defend me, but I’m also upset that he was defending me, because dad clearly needs our help. The whole Heather incident was just a no-win emotional roller coaster for me.
TARZ: Tina’s always got my back, and I’ve always got hers. It was just a really insensitive moment on his part, so hopefully I did the right thing. I think people in general bond over any situation they’re put in together, and although that night we both weren’t exactly sure what the tolerance threshold should have been before going overboard, I feel like we were both on the same page there.