Hello my fellow Shah junkies!! We’re halfway through the season, so we’ve decided to put together a little midseason recap video of what we’ve seen so far. . .
Now that we’re caught up, let’s talk about tonight’s episode! MJ’s back! That’s right, our Persian Guidette has proven that she’s the queen bee of the dance floor -- taking shots and drinking champagne like it’s her job.
This week picked up where last week we left off; in Cabo with MJ telling Asa to f---off. MJ lets Reza and Asa know that taking Ambien before getting on a two-hour flight doesn’t make her a pill popper. OK, so maybe she isn’t a pill popper per se. But taking an 8-hour, hypnotic sedative before a two hour flight is not exactly normal behavior. Maybe rather than an intervention, what she really needs is a geography lesson? I’d hate to think that MJ roofied herself for fun.
Note to MJ: No need to roofie yourself when going to Cabo. Donkey shows aren’t as popular there as they are in Tijuana.
Continuing on with the episode, MJ leaves the dramatic bushes of Cabo to blow off steam at the club with season one excommunicate, Sammy. Despite the fighting, MJ claims that she ended the night "right". . .and by "right" she means alone in a club with Sammy, and his sweat-soaked Tommy Bahamas shirt, scarf, and a Fedora plucked from 2004.
Anyway, MJ wags her tail all over that dance floor like she is the Persian Snooki, and Sammy is her JWoww. At the club, MJ tells Sammy how she misses her bestie Reza and then proceeds to text our hair extension guru and Persian sommelier, GG about how mad she is at Asa. Great idea, MJ! When Dad’s mad, go tell your hormonal Mom.
At breakfast the next morning, I found it just a little odd that the gang entered the dining room one by one in perfect receiving line protocol. Understandably, they all look like hung-over ragamuffins, except Lilly. She makes her entrance decked out in full jewelry and makeup, perfectly quaffed and glossed. Did she go to bed with a hair and make-up team? She gives the term beauty sleep new meaning. Speaking of hair, what’s with Reza’s pompadour?!? He looked like he had a mariachi engagement after brunch.
Back at the scene, MJ is the last to arrive. Despite the small war that started at the restaurant, she manages to give everyone the Persian double kiss greeting. Side note and quick lesson on Iranian greeting etiquette: Not that everyone does this, but it’s part of the culture to give everyone a proper greeting when saying hello. Greetings tend to be affectionate. Men kiss other men and women kiss other women. Sometimes it’s a double kiss. Sometimes it’s a triple kiss. Oh, and hellos and goodbyes take FOREVER! In a nutshell, as soon as you say “hello,” you might as well start your good-bye. Anyway, back to breakfast. . .as MJ sits down, she’s greeted with an apology from Asa. I have to say I was VERY proud of Asa for apologizing to MJ. It was very mature! As I was watching, I kept thinking, “This is great, but what about that text MJ sent to GG the night before?” I’m sure MJ’s thinking, I need a breathalyzer for my phone, and duct tape for my texting thumbs.
Which brings me to GG. How crazy was it that everyone pretty much got along? GG was on best behavior, even with a few drinks in her! And her sister thanked HER for a job well done! That never happens! I mean, the show tried to lead us to believe there’d be tension, but the only potential drama ended up being between Omid and GG’s ex, Alex. But, the boys ended up playing well together in GG’s sand box, and in the end Omid got the girl. Plus Omid said it right when he said, “It’s obvious we can’t stay away from each other. She’s hot. I can do a lot of push-ups. So naturally you know we’re going to like each other.” Sounds like a match made in heaven. Yo, Adrian! It’s a hopeful lesson to us all that drunken hookups and sloppy one-night stands can sometimes turn in to true love.
Back to Cabo! The Farsi Five head out on a yachting excursion. Two things deserve special shout outs in this scene: The genius Oceans Eleven-esque slow-mo group strut we see as the gang approaches the yacht and a wardrobe choice that will undoubtedly earn Asa the new name “Ass-a.” (Per MJ).
Asa’s style is better than fashion forward. . .it’s fashion fearless! She looks like Carmen Miranda puked all over her. It takes cajones to wear a G-string on the streets of Mexico! As for the yachting excursion itself, I have to point out the dumbest statement of the episode. Lilly said, “I wasn’t born on a yacht, but I was born to be on a yacht.” Thank you, Lilly. We all feel a little closer to you now that you’ve confirmed you were born in a hospital like the rest of us. It makes you more relatable.
It was a drama-free afternoon on the boat. The most exciting thing that happened was Asa agreeing to get laser treatment with Lilly, if Lilly promises to go to lunch in Beverly Hills with no makeup. Honestly, she strikes me as one of those girls who are prettier without makeup. Asa is completely on to something.
Later that night, Reza deemed the night as Heyvoon Bazi (animal play) status, and the group went all out. MJ danced her face off on the bar, Mike smoked a hookah, shots were flowing and two hookers made a Sammy sandwich. Meanwhile, Captain Un-Fun sat back and judged everyone. So the gang says good riddance when Lilly and her $15K Hermes bag head home before the party’s over. And thank God she did because she wouldn’t want any more sweat touching her bag. Judging by Lilly’s reaction, you’d think Asa sweats dirt. Lilly, you don’t take an Hermes bag to Mexico, unless you’re using it to bail someone out of jail.
Listen, I’m not judging Lilly because she doesn’t drink. I commend her. It must take a lot of will power to stay strong when your friends are partying all the time. But she’s SUCH a Debbie Downer! Lilly, if you’re going to be so boring, send Coconut in your place next time. At least Coco knows how to make a room spin! Thanks!
Back to the rest of the night. When the gang got back to the hotel, MJ, the not-so-closet smoker went for a smoke while the Reza went through her purse. He found a green pill bottle with a bunch of pills, and announced MJ’s real age. Revealing a Persian woman’s real age is worse than calling her handbag a fake. Anyway, the pills ended up being Pablo’s; or so says MJ. Listen MJ, you can blame a fart on a dog, but not pills! Pablo doesn’t pop Ambien before flights to Cabo. And I’m sure he doesn’t get loaded at doggy raves—doing tracers and holding glow sticks with his little paws. I’m not judging, just saying! Back to drunk MJ. She gleefully chased Reza around the hotel in her Girls Next Door lingerie, wrestling him and raising all kinds of hell. The besties were back to themselves again and MJ -- who’s weathered a pretty rough go this season -- felt an obvious sense of victory. So (as MJ put it) the moral of the Mexican story is: “In Cabo, being a skinny bitch doesn’t mean anything.”
In all seriousness, I feel like this whole episode was about redemption. MJ made up with Asa and Reza. Asa sincerely apologized and good ol’ GG was able to keep it together for 43 minutes! And it was about time! I’m curious how the rest of the season unfolds. I know Reza is going to Great Neck with Asa and MJ, but the real question will be if MJ can truly get over sharing Reza. I want to see more of MJ’s progress and see her get over her own issues she was talking about during last week’s acquaintance-gate. I feel like once she can start healing from all the years of dealing with her mother, that a lot of her insecurities will go away. As for Asa, she’s like an onion. I like seeing more layers of her this season, but I want to see her vulnerable. It’s always gravy with her. And that’s great, but I know there’s more to her. How will Lilly unfold? Has she always been a princess or is it a complete defense mechanism? I want her to be real and take her mask off (literally and figuratively). When she gets feisty at MJ, her real voice comes out, but then it’s back to being fluffy.
But for now the good news is that there is PEACE in the Middle East(erners). Until next week when we see the aftermath of MJ’s drunken text to GG!
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Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.