Sh-- gets real between MJ and GG -- thank goodness for Diamond Water.
Is it sad that this season has turned out to be so dramatic that I look forward to Diamond Water scenes? This week proved to be as big of a doozy as the first two episodes… the focus quickly turned from MJ and Lilly to MJ and GG. The common denominator in all of this? MJ.
After poor Lilly left the party looking like she got fired from her friends (or as MJ calls them, “her friends”) the group went out to a club where MJ screwed up BIG TIME. All was okay in Shahland until GG thought Sean was checking out some other girl’s butt. OK... maybe he was, but the girl was in a cage. Things in a cage are meant to be looked at, kind of like birds. Now, if they were meant to be touched, they’d be next to a pole. Either way, GG was pissed, but that doesn’t even describe how pissed she got after MJ outed GG for making out with Shayan at Lilly’s party. WHO DOES THAT??? What happened to the Persian Sisterhood of the Traveling Chador? MJ broke the Shah Code. MJ, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Let’s just say Lilly dodged a bullet that night by being unfriended and unliked at dinner.
While GG was busy being pissed at MJ for blabbing, Lilly had bigger fish to fry: gaining weight. She went out to lunch with her “real friend,” her hair stylist. She ordered one of everything on the menu, except for the wood-burning oven itself. How that girl stays thin, I have no idea because she ordered for a village. She ordered: Rock Shrimp, Mac and Cheese, Thai Chicken Cups, Pizza — extra thin and crispy -- and that was just to start! Her main course? Kobe beef meatballs. Her friend just ordered a salad with no cheese. No cheese probably because Lilly ordered all the cheese off the menu. All I have to say to that is I hope Lilly can reach her goal weight of 105 because it seems a lot more attainable than reconciling with the Shahs.
Next, before I get to MJ and Lilly, can I just say THANK GOD for Asa in her amazing robe, Stevie Wonder glasses, and chants to save the day. We need her to sage this whole episode. She said it best when she said:
Onward to the real drama… how GG acts when she eats salami. I have to hand it to GG; that poor girl tries so hard to keep her cool. But she just can’t do it. If that’s how she acts when eating salami, I’d hate to see how she acts when she eats bacon. Don’t provoke the Muslim gangsta! MJ royally screwed GG by breaking her trust, but I have to say GG would be taken more seriously if she could just control herself! Poor thing.
Salami-talking, tapping glasses and repeating yourself over and over will get you nowhere, GG. But in GG’s defense, MJ’s inability to take responsibility and have an excuse for what she did is pure crazy-making. Who says, “I thought it was f---ed up and funny at the same time?” A leopard robe wearing MJ does.
From the time GG visited MJ at her house, to GG on the phone with MJ at Leila’s house, to Mike’s brother’s party, MJ has had plenty of time to say, “SORRY, GG! I was drunk and I shouldn’t have said what I said.” That’s it. Problem solved. But instead MJ takes no responsibility for blabbing.
On a positive note (if there is one), I was happy to see MJ pull a lease agreement out of her Chanel purse at Mike’s brother’s party. That was pretty damn Persian of her. Persians don’t carry briefcases or portfolios, they roll their sh-- in Chanel bags and call it a day. If they could sell rugs and Rolexes out of their purse, they would. I’d put money on the fact that MJ brought that lease agreement to spite GG. And I don’t doubt for a second that part of MJ loves that Leila is still working with her despite all the GG drama, but business is business… and God knows MJ needs it.
Thankfully, Mike’s brother’s party wasn’t completely ruined by the drama—otherwise, his parents would have never forgiven him, and he’d have to go back to law school to prove he’s not a failure. And last, thank GOD for Leila! Had she not made GG get up and leave, there could have been hell to pay. Salami hell.
Lesson of the episode: say sorry, and take responsibility for your sh--, and if all else fails… just sage.
Now if only Asa had brought her sage to the party, things would have been different. I leave you with famous words to live by brought to you by Asa, “Happiness, Kindness, Understanding, Love, Peace, Joy.” Yeah… I’ll have what she’s having.
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Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.