A bathtub with a flamin' hot Persian filled with Flamin' Hot Cheetos was probably the least shocking thing we saw this episode. They say alcohol is truth serum, but they forgot to mention that being shamed on social media mixed with whiskey makes for a not-so secretive Golnesa. Golnesa did say last season that whiskey makes her frisky… Girl is on fleek.
Before we get to the shocking secret reveal, let’s first examine my top five favorite moments this episode…
1. Adam wants to go to Thailand for a destination wedding -- or rather somewhere where he can ride something big and hairy.
Somebody should tell Adam, you don’t have to leave L.A. to do that…
2. It’s confirmed that GG is “strictly dickly" (as if that was ever a question):
3. We also learned: To up your game, make sure you have a lot of “likes” on Instagram…and go to great lengths to show people how much you love attention.
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos…because that’s how your self-worth should be measured.
4. Asa goes gangsta status when she reveals she wants to do an art piece where she’ll drop her veil.
Whatever she does, I hope she never drops the Persian Bird Flu Mask, that’s a Bravo-verse Treasure.
5. And last, but certainly not least, GG revealed her BIG secret
We’ve all known this was coming, but I had no idea that the everyone would experience unrest in an orange house rented by the Flamin' Hot Persian Fellini.
Had Mike not put "BAD PIC" over GG’s face, he might have bought himself some time. However, it became clear from watching this episode that Instagram is where GG draws the “secret” line. You can mess with GG all you want, but don’t mess with her on social media.
There might have been better ways to get GG’s secret out -- perhaps an email, a phone call, or even a text. But no, GG decided to confront Mike the good ol’ fashion way -- face-to-face, and not the good kind.
So the question is who is telling the truth?
GG claims she would take a polygraph test, and if she’s lying she will tear her limbs off with her own knives and “give it to whomever.” GG, I’m not sure limbs are a commodity these days…not even for Robert Durst. But I’ll stay on for the ride if Toucan is involved.
On the other side, Mike denies anything happened. He gets so upset when he finds out he’s the last to know GG’s secret that he ends up storming out of the party with his angry girlfriend. To Reza’s point, it was GG’s secret to tell and after all, he did pinky swear…
Look at the bright side, Mike. At least you’re not hung like a camel.
Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi.
Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.