David,

Perhaps because this topic (career vs. family) is discussed by my friends and family at every gathering, birthday, wedding and bar mitzvah or because we share the same roots, I am compelled to comment on what you have written… Five years ago I would have agreed with Ms. Vancouver, accusing you of basically being a chauvinistic pig. But, having lived through a few interesting experiences I would bet that Ms. Vancouver has a. never been exposed to your lifestyle, b. never found someone she loves enough to want to stay home and take care of, or c. likes to wake up at the crack of dawn and most likely take public transportation to a 9-5 job where she has meetings about more future meetings. After graduating college, I was positive I was destined to attend law school, but a simple twist of fate changed my life path and I found myself playing house for quite some time instead. I truly loved the person I was with and was more than happy to wake up 30 min. earlier than him to make sure he had breakfast, take his pants half way across town in NYC rush hour traffic to get hemmed, and cook three course meals. It made me happy to see him happy; a role I never would have thought I would find myself in. Although the relationship did not work out, it was worth every moment because it taught me how rewarding it could be taking care of someone who loves and provides for me. At the moment, I am the director of events for a Luxury hotel in Manhattan and love every aspect of my job; so yes, I'm quite capable of doing more than cooking a chicken casserole. However, during the drunken, 7 course meals at Russian restaurants I now agree with "the parents" when they tell me and my girl friends, "career shamreer, get married and have kids." At the end of the day how I care for my family will have a longer lasting impact than any event I throw. David, good luck in your search, and be confident in knowing this girl you are searching for, is definitely out there

David,

In your rebuttal “Whatever Works” you write, “Although, I am not a chauvinist, I do have a more traditional view of the male/female relationship.” However, the episode in which you appear you say, “The very best are always men” and “women are here to be great wives and great mothers.” These are two very blatant chauvinist statements. Chauvinism is “The belief, held by certain men, in the inherent superiority of men over women” (OED). Clearly, you are in fact a male chauvinist if you believe that “the very best are always men.” To say that “women are here to be great wives and great mothers” is to say that a woman’s sole purpose is to service the needs of her husband and his offspring. To hold the view that women are subordinate to men in society and within the construct of marriage is not only ignorant, it is appalling. Male chauvinism is no less ignorant and destructive than racism. Instead of discriminating against a race on the basis of its inferiority to your own race, you discriminate against an entire gender. But you’re excused because you write, “I am basing my beliefs on what I have seen in my life.” Like a back-country hillbilly hick during pre-abolition U.S. who believes that African-Americans are here to service their White masters—he didn’t know no diff’rent.

You go on to express your discontentment with the illusion that exists in “today’s materialistic world full of fakeness.” You reflect on your parents’ generation in which people “chose each other for who they were;” there was no “better deal” nonsense. I sympathize with your frustration in living in a society in which materialism is perhaps more pervasive than ever. If a genuine, human connection is what you seek—and isn’t that what we all seek—I have to ask, how genuine and sincere are you with the people with whom you interact? What is your part in creating this “illusion?” If you are on a date with a beautiful woman do you insist on the bottle of wine when she asks for a glass? Do you make her believe you have a genuine interest in her when really, you just want to bed her? And when you do, do you cast her aside for the next bigger, better deal?

I have encountered men of greater economic means who are all persona and no personality. They wear a mask (probably purchased at Holt Renfrew) and talk endlessly about their possessions, or future assets. The air around them is thick with eau d’arrogance; their eyes are downcast with judgement. And yet you—oops, we were talking about them—they do not want a superficial, materialistic woman. Instead, they want a woman who is down-to-earth and real.

Lastly, an anecdote which I dedicate to you: A handsome man is sitting across from an attractive young woman at a popular restaurant chain and asks, “What do you do for work?” She replies that she works as a server at a restaurant while going to university. Immediately, he dismisses her in his mind as someone who is beneath him. The young woman senses the man’s snobbery but she is unfazed. After all, she has never had to ask her parents for a dime having been taught that if she wants something, she had better get it herself. She understands the importance of higher education and has aspirations of living a rewarding, inspiring and creative life. She is not looking for a man who will provide her a cushy life-style and the latest and greatest in handbags. She knows that money does not make someone a good person, or a better person than another. It is one’s integrity and character that matter.

And in that, she is rich.

Sincerely,

A young woman in Vancouver

I would love to be your wife. Good luck for finding a wife. There are bad and good days. I think it isn't really about money. Of course financial is important in order to survive; however, love is really important. Able to share secrets, sadness, happiness, and etc. One must truly understand each other.