This is a very difficult blog to write. There's so much pain and emotion in this episode. It feels so strange to even refer to it as an "episode." This is my life. This is Kim's life. I wish we were just characters on television, but this is all too real.
That night never should have happened. It was incredibly difficult to go through in the first place and it's even more difficult to watch and relive it.
Throughout the season I have come across as angry toward my sister. At times, it seemed unwarranted. I know that. I know how bad it looked. The truth is, I was angry. There were problems brewing between my sister and me off camera. I'm not good at hiding my feelings as well as others, so I brought my feelings in front of the cameras. Viewers only know what they see, and sometimes, they saw me reacting with force and emotion that didn't seem to make sense.
First off, let me say, I love my sister so much. Sometimes, I wish I loved her a little less. You may be thinking, "You have a funny way of showing it." And you're not wrong. However, our arguments were never about what was happening at that moment. My mom used to say, "They're crying about the apples, but it's really the oranges," and that's exactly what was happening here. The tension between Kim and me was never about her not "having my back" in New York. There is so much more to it than that. I didn't want to come out and say what it was that was really bothering me because this is a private family matter. It would have saved me a lot of criticism, believe me, but it's not just my story to tell. It's Kim's story too.
After this horrible argument between Kim and I, we didn't speak for a long time. My heart was broken and I suffered an incredible amount of anxiety and panic attacks. Next to losing my mother, this was the most difficult time of my life. It is so difficult for me to even write about it now. The details of what happened with Kim after that night, is her story to tell. I will not go into that here. I do want to say that I have learned a lot about my sister and myself during the taping of this show. I have been able to look at our relationship from an outsider’s point of view. I've realized that my pain and worrying about her comes off as anger. It was not helping Kim or our relationship. I love my sister and only want the best for her. Kim knows that.
I would also like to clarify, that I do not resent my mother in any way. After losing her, I felt that it was not only my job to look after Kim, but all of the sisters jobs to look after each other. I think my frustration came from feeling as if I were ill equipped to handle it at times.
As hard as it was to watch what happened between Kim and me, it was also challenging to take in what the other women went through, too. The end of this episode was heartbreaking. Seeing Camille suddenly as a single mommy brought tears to my eyes. Being an unwilling participant in a divorce has to be profoundly painful. Camille and I have been through a lot together this season. However, when I see her in these "scenes," I see a mom and a wife that has been left by her husband. I feel so bad about what is going on in her life and about what has happened with our relationship. I wish we could turn back time and start over. What happened between Lisa and Cedric is unfortunate. I had a feeling things would turn out this way and warned Lisa. It's a shame because I know how much Cedric meant to Lisa.
Taylor and I grew closer during taping. She opened up quite a bit to me. She is kind and vulnerable, and I wish her nothing but happiness. She deserves it.
Mauricio and I also became a lot closer to Adrienne and Paul during this time. They are both wonderful people with big hearts and strong family values, which I share. I'm happy to consider them my friends.
Doing this show has been an incredible experience. I was fortunate enough to work with a wonderful production company and such incredibly dynamic women. We have had a lot of fun in spite of there being some very emotional times.
Thank you so much for supporting all of us by watching. Your comments have brought me comfort at times when I really needed it. I will miss blogging and reading your thoughts.
Lots of love!