Jason promised me years ago, just after my Dad died in 1999, that he was going to find my birth parents for me. I thought that was sweet of him, but did not think much more about it. Of course, in retrospect, I should have known that my husband's resourcefulness, creativity, and love for me would make it happen. The problem with knowledge is that once you have it, you want more of it. And especially when it comes to who I am...who my children are...and those whom I don't know, but whose presence I can sense in some weird way. Jason has been very patient with me over the years of this search. He understands that I want this knowledge more than anything, but that it is also scary as hell to confront a past and future that is totally unclear, and potentially painful.
I was so shocked when Jason discovered my birth mom's son on Facebook. I mean technology is so crazy! Here my birth mom is keeping me from what I feel is MY story, and my blood family! I am so deeply appreciative of her sacrifice...she could have easily aborted me.
That action of carrying me to term says so much about who my birth mother is, and the tough choices she made in a tough period of time in the mid-sixties. The thought of connecting with her son on Facebook seems so devious to me, kind of like I am breaking the "rules" in some major way. Yet, FB is the people connection tool of the 21st century...like me not getting in a car because I might drive past her house (since I know her address, this has crossed my mind). It's crazy how birth-mommy imagination-TV plays in my head. Sometimes the mental show is happy, deeply appreciative to someone I don't know; other times its anger on demand! We'll see what happens with this route...I mean it's just a friend request. He won't even know who I am right?? More than anything, at that time, that day, reaching out on Facebook really shows the urgency, and increasing anger that I feel about getting the full truth - by any means necessary.