Hooooo-boy, I’m so behind on blogging NJ that viewers must’ve thought one of my RHONY castmates called Danielle’s people to take care of me. Or maybe I was busy lobbying to get Bergen County’s blue laws repealed. Nope, the truth is I just got bogged down, and for that I guess I get the "ho-bag of the week" award. Life’s been a little crazy with our three-part reunion and our book tour, which has been going beautifully – thanks, everyone! So this blog isn’t 10 pages long I’m going to hit the highlights of the episodes I missed.
Congratulations to Teresa and Joe! Leave it to Teresa to give birth while still looking glam – luckily she got off her email faster than I did with Johan – we barely made it there in time. Loved watching Chris’ face at Scores and it was a great first effort with the car wash – maybe moonlight car washes and guys can pay extra to wash their own car while the girls dance?
Seems like Danielle had good intentions with the benefit for the sick child, but that exploded into psychodrama, didn’t it? Take it from me, if you are asked to attend a charity function where there will be people you don’t want to see, you show up, do your job (bringing donations, taking pictures, whatever it is, etc.) and leave. Not only is this easy to accomplish, Simon and I have accomplished it at the Brownstone. It’s a very big venue! It was absolutely appropriate to invite Kim, but what planet was Danielle on, to bring a group of guys who as far as I can see did not pay or even make a reservation, and instead paced around the perimeter of the room like they were about to take the whole party hostage? It seemed that the family of the sick child didn’t know all these people were coming with Danielle either, and they were clearly embarrassed. I’ve met my share of Hells Angels and Guardian Angels and tough guys, and without exception they have been lovely people who like their bikes and protecting people. These guys, on the other hand, looked like they scared the s**t out of the guests, which is not what you want when you’re raising money for anything.
When I was 18, perhaps I should have had an Albie telling me I didn’t know who I was yet. However, I learned SO much from dating the wrong guy and falling flat on my face. Not that Derek is the wrong guy – I actually thought he was pretty phenomenal for trying to calm Ashley down over the Danielle cyberwar, and he was a good sport at Poker Night with the corked wine. Plus I kind of loved the moms getting plastered while discussing their children. I just really wish that Ashley didn’t have that funny, half-smile on her face in nearly every discussion; makes me wonder what she’s really thinking. Maybe moving back home will clear things up a little ... maybe not. We’ll see.
I would have more respect for Danielle if she didn’t make the overdramatic faces and voices in interviews – when she reenacts conversations it’s always a bit more over the top than it was to begin with. When she told Dina that she wasn’t allowed to cut Danielle out of her life, I started to get Fatal Attraction vibes. That's a little scary – I’d rather see more pigs testicles, birthday parties and Jersey accent coaching. We can see Danielle and Danny and Kim and her crew as well, but stop trying to make these two camps mix! I was sorry that Dina felt she needed to stop filming because of the craziness, but can’t say I blame her.
Ah Kim, yes, let's talk about Kim (G? Not the one with the boutique.) When she shot scenes with Danielle, and shot scenes with Jacqueline, did she not realize that the producers can show the two one after the other? She might not think she is playing both sides, but from a viewer’s standpoint it really looks like she is. She wants to be liked by everyone. Take it from someone who knows, if you sit on the fence too long, all you get is a stick up your you-know-what.
And with that, we head to the Squeeze Lounge. It started out really cute, with the dancer climbing up to the rafters and Kim trying her best, then Danielle got her shot. Suddenly it went from being girls being a little bit naughty to feeling a little uncomfortable in my mind. But, I’m not the one dancing in front of a male friend and getting dollars thrown at me.
Out of all the plastic surgeries on the Housewives shows, I have to say that it was refreshing to see a procedure to fix something that was broken, regardless of why the initial botched surgery was done. No one wants weird-looking breasts, so hopefully she got a good set and can move forward.
When I saw the scene with Albie and his parents and law school, I cried too. Anytime something happens to your child it feels like being kicked in the teeth – I hope that all works out.
Elvira, Mistress of the Party Planning, didn’t let Teresa get a word in edgewise – ooh, wait, we had that in NYC as well except the roles were reversed! She wants to have martinis in china? Did she mean the country? Sorry, had to snark just a little there – anyway Elvira brought a crew of people who turned the house into a club for the night – kind of reminded me of the club Tutti Frutti in Milan in the '90s (and I do mean that in a good way.) Looked like fun, though did we need to bring up the Danielle drama AGAIN??
Hey, we made it to the current week! I promise not to let four episodes slide by again, and hope everyone has a great week. We’ve got one more episode of RHONY this Thursday, and I just found out Simon and I will be in Asbury Park, NJ on July 24th for a book signing – hope to see you then, but we’ll see you here first...