First I want to start by saying that I read Teresa's blog from this episode and I would just like quote her, "Jacqueline said in her blog last week, we're supposed to blog about what happened when the episode aired, why it happened, what we were feeling at THAT time. It's part of the gig. Do I wish I never had to talk about/think about/write about/see Danielle ever again? Of course! But I agreed to be on the show and I think it's a cop-out and not fair to the fans to write fake blogs every week or refuse to talk about a cast member." I couldn't have said it more perfectly. Now, that being said, how do I even begin to write about this episode?
This is going to be a long one, where do I begin? Hmm, I guess I can start with, where did I go? Well, after the lovely starring contest we all had, I was ready to go home. I went there to model for Kim, and I did my job. Once Danielle and I started exchanging looks, and after hearing what her and her groupies were saying about me, I decided it was probably best for me to leave. I wanted to remove myself from the situation. I went into the dressing room to start gathering my things and to help clean up a little before I said my goodbyes. I got my things together, and then went into the production room to give my mic back. While I was taking my mic off I was watching the monitors. I saw my mom and Teresa sitting in the hallway on one monitor, and then I saw Danielle and Kim G enter the hallway on another monitor. They then began to exchange words.
This episode starts with the continuing argument between my mother, Teresa and Danielle. What a mess. I honestly don't think that Teresa's intention was to start trouble. Knowing Teresa for as long as I have, I think she honestly just wanted to say hi. CLEARLY that plan was not fully thought through. Even if Teresa imagined she'd have any sort of altercation with Danielle, I can assure you all that she did not expect it to go as far as it did. Anyway, back to me in the production room. We were all on edge watching the monitors, and my adrenaline was already pumping from nerves. All of the sudden they all headed into the main room where the show was, AND ALL FOUR OF THE MONITORS went static. I then heard what sounded like a table, or a few glasses getting knocked over, and people screaming and yelling outside of the doors. There was chaos in the production room too. I left the production room to find out what happened. When I entered the hallway I saw Danielle running outside with Teresa following quickly behind her, with a crowd of random women trying to watch all the commotion. At this point my heart was beating so hard in my chest, and I couldn't find my mom. Someone had said to me, "I think Danielle hit your mom." My stomach was in knots. I then went outside to look for Danielle to yell at her. A few of my friends were trying to talk me down from an anxiety attack. I thought that someone had harmed my mother. What would you do in that situation? I didn't snap just because I thought something happened to my mom. Danielle had been messing with my family for over a year, and that recently she had even begun to purposely push my buttons. So imagine all of that, plus thinking she hit my mother?! I literally blacked out from all of the adrenaline. I didn't even think to try to find my mother to make sure she was OK first. I did not see my mom before I pulled Danielle's hair. Otherwise I would have asked my mom IF Danielle had hit her, and if she was OK first. If you paid attention to the scene of me right before I pulled Danielle's hair, you see me just observing the situation outside. The camera zoomed in on my face and if it looked like I was terrified and about to throw up, it's because I was. So all of those factors led me to act on impulse. I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. I am simply telling it like it is. Do I hate Danielle? YES. Is that the sole reason that I felt like pulling her hair? NO. Like I said, I blacked out from the adrenaline. I was acting on impulse. I don't just go around pulling the hair of people that I don't like. If I did that, I would be in jail by now.
Danielle is the first person to ever make me get to this point. I have never had such rage and anger inside of me. She is the first person to really make me boil over. Was I wrong by pulling her hair? ABSOLUTELY. Did I have good intentions behind my actions? YES, I was defending my mother. Danielle is very calculated, and she has a way of bringing out THE ABSOLUTE WORST in people. Was it all Danielle that night? Of course not, at the end of the night, it was MY decision to lay a hand on her. I acted without thinking. I paid my dues, and I learned my lesson. I'm allowed to still not like Danielle, and TRUST ME I have my reasons. However, that does not mean I didn't learn a lesson. At the end of the day I let myself get to that point, and I now know that it is NEVER OK to lay a hand on another human being. Maybe I should take some anger management classes? Hmm...
Right after the tug, I had a bunch of people coming up to me asking what I did, and at this point I was STILL mid-anxiety attack, surrounded by chaos. I wasn't "bragging" that I pulled her hair, I was simply just answering my friends' questions, and I was still angry and flustered. I was saying to my friends that I pulled Danielle's hair out of her head, because I did pull it, I know I loosened it. HOWEVER, I DID NOT PULL A CLUMP OR "CLUMPS" OUT OF HER HAIR, as she reported to the police. Don't you think that I would have had at least SOME of that hair in my possession? If I pulled out that much of her hair, why would she have it and not me? Also, who else finds it weird that she saved her nasty hair? Ew. My mom came outside shortly after and told me to go back inside. I did as she said, but when I came back outside I saw my mom down by Danielle's car, so I went to see if she was OK and I hugged her. She was REALLY mad at me and started yelling at me to go home, and was calling me a child, etc. I got REALLY upset because I had just had an anxiety attack thinking that Danielle had hit my mom. At the time I believed I was defending my mom. So it just hurt that she was yelling at me, which is what prompted the comments I made to my mother. Did my mom have reason to be mad at me? Of course. However, I think she still should have seen where I was coming from that night.
Do I think that Danielle wanted what happened that night to happen? ABSOLUTELY. Like my Aunt Caroline said, she got exactly what she wanted. She wanted to show everyone 'SEE THOSE MEAN GIRLS?! LOOK! I TOLD YOU.' She even said to Kim G. in the car three times, "I told you this was going to happen." Why Danielle? Did you go there with ill-intentions? Danielle said a million times that she wanted to leave, and she wanted someone to get her out of there. Well, who was stopping her?
And the Academy Award goes to ... (not). I didn't buy Danielle's fake tears for a second. Notice how Danielle was oh so upset and "crying" so hard, but when Kim G. went to go talk to my mom, notice how Danielle's tone totally changed as she said to Harry, "Don't let Kim hit her." Hmm, why is that Danielle? Maybe because if Kim hit my mom, then you wouldn't have really been able to build much of a case? Hmm *cough*calculated move*cough*. I'd also like to point out the part where Danielle called MY mother a "skanky ho." REALLY?! Ha! I hope that was a joke. Seriously, who does she think she is?! Whatever.
When I went to say goodbye to Teresa and 'the Kims' you could clearly see that I was still upset. When I responded to Kim G. saying, "GOOD, love and light," (about Danielle's hair being in pieces) notice my face and listen to the tone of my voice. I didn't literally mean good, like WOO HOO! You could tell that I was just fed up with everything and everyone at that point. I was just sooo done. Even when I was talking to the cops I couldn't believe what was happening. I should have expected that the cops would get involved, but I guess that's what happens when you ACT before you THINK. I also would like to state that I was honest with the police from the beginning, but there were many lies on the police report from Danielle. Just sayin'.
Danielle said that we're on a mission to get her or something. No hunnie. IF ANYONE has been on a mission, it has been Danielle trying screw with our lives. FAIL. She's a miserable woman. Her reasoning behind press charges is ridiculous. "Bad behavior needs consequences." Yeah, I guess SHE would know. Her whole conversation with Danny, I mean really? Danny would be back in jail? What a great guy. You know Danielle, if you would like to "stay in the positive," you might want to start by hanging around the right people. OH and another thing, stop talking about how we dug up your past. We didn't dig it up, it came to us, and you know damn well that it's things that you HAVE DONE/ARE DOING to us in the present. Seriously? Will you EVER change? Danielle is living in a make-believe world in her head. It's actually really sad. Danielle, you said an apology is in order? Yeah, we know, we're waiting.
Danielle's conversation with Kim made me laugh. I could comment a lot on this, but I'll try to keep it short, this blog is long enough. Bottom line is that Danielle is full of shit.
I laughed so hard at the scene of my mom playing games on her phone while Danielle's "spiritual advisor" tried to help. I think my mom is such a ham. I love her so much! Haha! Nerd.
The episode ended with me fighting with my parents. Obviously I was still upset about everything that went down. I was still feeling hurt that my mom didn't even take into consideration that I thought that I was defending her. She didn't even see where I was coming from that night. I was frustrated. When I said, "I can do whatever I want to Danielle," I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was that if I make the decision to do something, I'll do it, but that doesn’t make allowed, or legal, or the right thing to do. I was just trying to say that I'm old enough to make my own choices. It just came out wrong. I totally see where my parents were coming from of course. They clearly stated that they didn't condone my behavior that night. I wasn't expecting them to support my actions, I just wanted them to understand what I was feeling. I know that I handled myself badly AGAIN, and I know that I was disrespectful to my parents AGAIN, but keep in mind this was filmed months ago, and since then I have grown a lot, and I'm still growing. I'm only 19, I have time to correct my flaws. I am not proud of this episode at all. I am not happy with the way I looked at all. I have definitely learned a lesson from all of this. You learn and grow with each choice you make. I have a headache from all of the drama, I just want the chaos to stop. Just sayin'.
To quote Andy Warhol, "In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." To quote Drake, "My fifteen minutes started an hour ago." Haha! So, while I have the opportunity to reach the public I just want to bring attention to a few organizations that I love, mainly, (if you haven't checked it out already) the organization, 'To Write Love On Her Arms.' It really is such a great cause and the staff members are so kind. I'm planning to have a benefit for them as soon as possible. I think I'll aim for sometime in fall, we'll see! Stay on top of my updates about that, or just about my every day life on my Facebook or Twitter (@_ashleyholmes). I love you all sooo much! Your support through all of this has been so overwhelming and much appreciated! As for the haters, keep on hatin' if it makes YOU happy!
Until next time,