Wow! They did such a great job with the captions figuring out what I was saying in-between my hyperventilating. Gee, thanks. Clearly I thought the cameras had gone away after I went into the restroom. What I was trying to tell Chris was that Ashley had told us she was going to California and then would eventually settle down in Texas. She has an amazing family there, but I was heartbroken, because not only did I feel like she was moving away from me while she and I were not doing so well, and I was scared at the idea of her living out there alone, but also because I felt like I was the one who had put in all my love, blood, sweat, and tears into raising Ashley for the past twenty years. I felt sad and jealous thinking about her growing up into the sweet, mature, productive adult that I know she'll be, and her father being the only one that gets the joy of reaping the benefits from all the years of my labor. It didn't seem fair. He would be the one living near her, laughing with her, spending quality time with her, enjoying her children (our grandchildren) one day, and I'd be the one left in the dust with no relationship with my only daughter. She'd be in another state, and I'd be remembered as the stupid, annoying, nagging mother that she once barely tolerated, and I would never be appreciated or admired by her for all I'd done. I would never have the joy of growing older with her and spending quality time with the amazing adult woman I know she'll grow to be.( No really... I seriously think about all of this.) I want the close relationship with my daughter that I see other parents have with their daughters. I find our whole struggle emotionally draining, but I love my daughter no matter what, and I know that things will work out between the both of us in the end.
We have tried therapy in the past (a few times). I still go. Ashley calls my sessions "gossiping." I prefer to call it "venting" and getting advice. When Ashley started to feel like our therapist shared the same opinion as me about some things, she didn't want to hear it and believed we were in cahoots with each other. That is absolutely not true and ridiculous. Ashley didn't want advice, she just wanted to vent. I thought Ashley would benefit from talking or taking advice from somebody on the outside and that it would be a positive thing for her. I wanted her to be able to call on him anytime she felt like she needed to. I learned a lot from my therapist. I learned that when things started to get heated between Ashley and I, that I needed to disengage and walk away before it escalated further. Arguments between us can escalate very quickly, and it would usually be over something minor. Walking away from an argument is so hard for me to do, because I always want to have the last word.