Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr is still in awe of Joe Gorga's body (and Kathy's '80s hair).

on Jun 19, 2011

As Joey and Teresa talk to each other, I am hoping that Joey bangs on the table before Teresa flips it over. If they get the order reversed, then Joey will be smashing himself in the nuts. Teresa is wearing a jacket inside the restaurant that makes her look like the puppet from Waylan Flowers and Madam. What’s with the brick wall motif at the strip mall restaurant? Were they trying to make the dining room look like Al Capone’s vault? Joey and Teresa look like they’re sitting onstage at The Improv; or it looks a little like a scene from when they had the acting segment on Star Search. (Remember those? I liked those.) I digress, it becomes very clear very early in this conversation that neither Teresa nor Joey have any idea why they are angry at each other. Joey is spinning his wheels saying it’s all Teresa’s fault for always telling her husband how great Joey is. Then Gorga says it’s all Joe Giudice’s fault, because Teresa keeps telling him how great her brother is. Then it’s about lists, cookies, home loans, and God knows what all. One thing is clear, if you ever want to enrage Joey Gorga, compliment him. Joey tells Teresa that, “Melissa doesn’t like you because you tell it like it is.” So what is he saying, that Melissa only likes lies? That would explain why he kept telling her what a great singing voice she had.

Then Joey says something to the extent that not even Kathy likes Teresa. Teresa says to Joey that If Kathy doesn’t like her, it’s because she is friends with Melissa. Teresa expands on this in her interview by explaining to the viewer that she and Kathy used to be really close. At one point Teresa says, “Kathy used to do my hair.” The producers then immediately, blessedly, cut away to a photograph of Kathy from when she was the lead singer of Cinderella. Holy cow, that is a serious hair do. If birds nested in Kathy’s hair, they wouldn’t be able to get out. They would either starve to death and rot on her head or die from inhaling Aqua Net. Judging by Kathy’s hair in that photo, I am pretty sure she had an amazing scrunchie and banana clip collection. I would also bet you a hundred dollars that if you panned down in that photo, Kathy is wearing rubber bracelets, parachute pants, and high top Reeboks.

The longer Teresa and Joey’s meeting goes on, the more it is apparent that they aren’t really mad at each other about anything. Watching Joey Gorga give out all five thousand of his fake reasons why he’s mad at Teresa is the first time I’ve ever seen a man drown without water. If I were there, I would have thrown him a life vest and a hat.

I think the argument reaches it’s crescendo when Joey announces, “Shame on mommy, shame on daddy, and shame on you!” (I think Divine said that in Polyester.) There you have it. Everyone else is to blame, and everyone else is wrong except Joey and Melissa. It was right there in front of us the entire time. Joey Gorga’s just wasting his time trying to explain this to those of us blessed with rational thought and opposable thumbs. Damn he is a gorgeous man though. He should stop pretending to be angry and run out onto RT. 46 and scream, “Stella!”