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Lauren's grand opening is a huge success. I loved when Lauren explained to Vito's mother about Joey and Melissa, "That's Teresa's brother and sister-in-law, and they're all best friends." That was hysterical and smart too. As a Bravo Television Psychiatrist I thought this was the smart play by Lauren. Why drag Vito's sweet mom down into the slop. Just slap some rose colored Gucci glasses on her and move on. Surprisingly, Ashley got her act together long enough to design the t-shirts for Lauren after all. Ashley really is a talented artist, and the shirts look fabulous. Now if we could only staple a few hundred of them over Teresa's coat.
The next day we see Teresa at the super market with two of her girls. Some kids climb trees, Milania climbs plums. Teresa pulls her daughter off the fruit display before it all comes rolling down, but not before Audriana makes the best rock and roll face I have ever seen. Teresa then explains that her family always eats super healthy. She does this as she fills her shopping cart with Eggo Waffles, Cap'n Crunch, and about $200 worth of pigs in a blanket.
The SOULDIGGAZ are back! Hooray! They come to Melissa's house for her to lay down some more tracks. I don't really understand the recording process, because Melissa is recording over her own song. It's almost as if she is doing karaoke for 'On Display.' There is enough auto-tune on this song to give a robot an erection. I just now realized that one of the lyrics for 'On Display' is: "These feelings that I'm feeling." Here's a tip for all you aspiring songwriters. You can't write the same word twice and call it a rhyme. The more I listen to 'On Display,' the more I owe the Countess an apology. Compared to Melissa, Luann sounds like Ella Fitzgerald. I think 'On Display' is what the U.S. Troops played in Panama to get Manuel Noriega to surrender.
In the real world, Chris is sitting down with Albie, Christopher, and a gal named Sari at a restaurant, and they are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of a potential new client. The meeting goes incredibly well. Christopher charms these ladies out of their Canadian bacon. He could have dropped into the Cajun voice and still closed the deal. Keep an eye on that Christopher, if he ever goes on Celebrity Apprentice, I'm driving to Vegas to put a lot of money on him to win.
You are way too hard on Melissa's singing! She really is pretty good on her own and is DEFINITELY better than the countess. I don't understand why they auto-tuned her voice so much. A little bit goes a long way.
I don't think there was anything funny about this episode, and I think its just sad. Next week looks worse with Gia crying. This show is just sad.
Too funny! I think you were way too easy on Teresa, but Im glad somebody finally blogged. I been waiting all day! How rude was teresa's husband when talking about their relationship. You came to me I never came to you...LOL
Great recap, but you forgot one HUGE incident. I felt it was SADISTIC the way JoeBro had an already emotional Teresa verbalize what she had written in his autographed book. In turn, he gives her a reserved, tense hug, & proceeds to lecture her in a derogatory manner about Joehusbands texts.
Couldn't he have waited? Couldn't he have done that earlier? It was almost as though he was kicking a dog while it was down. All the while Melissa is staring @ Teresa w/ her hands on her hips, head tilted in a rather condescending way . It was just terrible.
My heart really broke for Teresa, it appeared as though they were trying to humiliate her...that's why they waited so late to come, as to not have a crowd (although millions watched ~ ha!)...let's get real.
Jay, the show is sometimes painful to watch, but you make me laugh out loud reading your blog!!!! Team Jay!!!!!
It doesn't matter if a bellydancer has a some actual belly to shake. Its a misconception that bellydancer bodies should be perfect and barbie like. There are bellydancers of all shapes and sizes. Do a google search. Do some research before you go pointing out women's belly/guts. I doubt you would like people pointing out what they consider flaws in you. Besides, the more you have to shake the better. And yes, I am a bellydancer and bellydance instructor for 11 years now.
What about when Teresa was shaking because she got so emotional when going to sign her brother's cookbook and then cried. My heart broke for you right then and there. You sympathized with Jac, but not with Teresa. Even Kathy crying made me cry because, FINALLY, we saw some sincerity out of her and she didn't bash her cuz. Instead, she said she wanted a relationship again. I don't feel sorry for Jac because she set the example with Ashley. Jac is immature for her age and that's probably why Ashley doesn't respect her and acts just as immature.
I hope this family can love one another soon and be close. I'm rooting for the Giudices happiness. I understand them and Joe's anger. He is protecting his wife because her brother and sister in law have not been good to Teresa.
I love the Grimace comment about Teresa! I am suprised you didn't spend more time on Milania. Also Ashley didn't exactly come through totally with the tshirts. Lauren was a little pissed cause she had to get the graphics on the shirts herself. But I know you are probably exhausted from bashing Ashley. (Ashlee).
I loved the tooth scene. I'm so glad you captured it in your blog. Thanks so much for the laughs each week. I look more forward to your blogs than I do the actual show.
OMG, I am sitting here at work reading this and am trying not to go into convulsive laughter. Please save me, as I can no longer control my desire to laugh and snort! SOOOOOOO funny, and you have, as usual, nailed it right on the head. Thank you for your too wise perspective on the craziness that is RHWNJ!!
Jay you are the best! Next to watching the ladies on Sunday, reading your Blog is my favorite pasttime!
You're right Jay, the TEAM thing is so stupid and childish. You are so smart with these women and their husbands. I also think you're right about the smaller parties, it seems when they all get together there is far too much drama even for Andy. Looks like "Lucy has some splainin to do" at the reunion with her husband's utterances this season as well as her own. I think collectively they have offended Andy from all sides. :) Hope to see you at the reunion!
Hilarious as ever Jay, i can't wait for Mondays to see what you have to say! The only hting you didn't mention, and maybe I'm wrong, but weren't Jacqueline and teresa drinking wine and eating in the bathroom? That grosses me out, even if their bathroom is bigger than my kitchen!
Jay THX For the recap it had to be a hard torecap a comercial. I can't stand the bullies I mean Manzo's and it was a comercail for their kid's...Teresa and MEl. If only Caroline would have given some blow hard advice while Kathy catered an event at the brownstown that Dina decorated and maybe Daniell e stripped and washed cars for chris in the back. But a HUGE thank u for pointing out about Melissa in the booth singing, what recording session is autotune? how could he possibly of heard her singing, or was it to protect out ears? Cue commercial!!
I can always count on your blogs to make me truly laugh out loud! Informative, truthful, and hilarious! Thanks Jay!
This is hands down the best blog I have EVER read in all my years of watching any of the Housewives shows! Hilarious and also very honest. Bravo, Jay's blog is more entertaining than the show!! Please hire him!
"Teresa is going to show up dressed as Grimace from McDonalds." - You rock Jay! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it! =)
You rock, Jay. I am Team Teresa but that line ("Teresa is going to show up dressed as Grimace from McDonalds") was off the chain. Thanks for the laugh!
Love, love, love your blog. It's so real and on point. Everything I'm thinking you have put down into words. With that said, I think Joe Guidice's real problem is that he's threatened of Joe G and Teresa having a sis and bro relationship and that he won't be the center of Teresa's attention anymore. In fact, I would also bet that he is one of the biggest reasons that they stopped communicating. He has "mean girl" written all over him and even now he is trying to sabotage that relationship. Joe Guidice has become a drunken thug and if he doesn't control his anger, he'll end up in jail for sure. Also, I feel that he's threatened by his brother in law'slife and success. It appears that Joe G has it together while Guidice's life is being slowly torn apart. That's just my spin on this.
Oh Jay, I do love you so. Thank you for pointing out how repulsive that R word is. Great blog as always. You've got one hell of a fan base here and for a good reason - you are AWESOME.
Hey Jay, You might want to watch the tape again - - it's after she tells him that Teresa and Joe aren't coming to the party that Rich thanks Kathy for that birthday present. Or else my mind wasn't in the gutter! ;-)
Great, as usual, Jay. And I totally agree about the Hat Rack Breathalyzer for Ms. Holmes! Keep up the good work!
Did anyone notice Joey Gorga. making a phalic shape with the pool balls as he talked about Joe Guidice?
JAY: Get your mind out of the gutter. Although it is hard to do that while looking at RIchie. I believe Richie was thanking Kathy for the birthday present of Theresa and Joe not coming to the party.
the reason Richie thanked Kathy was because she told him the Guidice's weren't going to his party.
not ur funniest post. Seems like you were distracted while writing this one..lol. Either way great work.
Jay M! That is so funny fa real - you really nailed this week's episode. Now let's cut to the chase. Are you single? If not, do you cheat monogamously? Do you like the mocochocolatayaya? Let a sistah know! If not, I'll hit up that Christopher Manzo - he aint no joke! :-)
did anyone else catch the "jerseyisms"? Caroline pronounce envelope like it was something you mail not a feeling that encompasses you. Then there is Theresa saying "ingrediences" instead of ingredients. I hope her publisher has a good editor. Keep up the good work , Jay.
Jay! That was hilarious. You made me laugh out loud the whole way through. I have never read one of your blogs because the NJ Housewives are not my favorites and to be honest, I never gave you a fair shot either (sorry). Can you please, please, please cover the Beverly Hills h-wives?
You are a rock-star, Jay Mohr! My husband refused to watch this ridiculous show with me until I told him about your blog. He was FLOORED last night at these people...and my family is from Jersey! Imagine seeing this mess through "virgin eyes". I am forwarding him this blog right now. Keep up the accurate recap of team how you see it.
OMG!! Jay Mohr's blog is the best thing about Monday. I laugh out loud every time I read it. Jay, I think Richie said "thanks for that bday present" in response to Kathy telling him that no, Teresa and crew would not be at the bday party. And, I WAS screaming "show here your phone!!!" when Joey and Teresa were at the bookstore.
Well Jay, yes-the "bowl joke" was bad, but I swear I laugh out loud regardless! Absolutely brilliant that you think he could use the breathalyzer when calling his publisher-actual tears on that one!!!
You gave a rather hysterical write-up of the hooka party-Geez, what's in that stuff?? I hope we don't see either Kathy or Richie's tongue again this season :(
Melissa missing bones while dancing is when I started to crash- this stuff just flows from your mind, but it amazes me! But, as Bravo's tv Psychiatrist, you're right....the auto-tune is SO tuned, it must be giving someone an erection! (lost it there as well.) I absolutely think her song is awful, but I don't think we need to go overboard and credit the Countess for much better!
So, yes, in 8 short wks, Joe G has mastered a split and a broken tooth. Boy, when that guy drinks--HE DRINKS!!! I do not like it at ALL when he tells Teresa to "shut up." Have actually heard that a few times. He's got a lousy temper, that's for sure. He was always cranky a bit in other seasons, but he's definitely feeling the heat of situations that he's not comfortable (or sober) enough to articulate. I feel badly for Teresa when that happens. She always looks embarrassed. You're doing an EXCELLENT job as resident Psychiatrist. Your work doesn't make it any easier to understand the why's or the how's...but it's brilliant and makes many laugh-you have perfected this role! Thanks again!!!
Love your blog--it cracks me up. I'd have thought the "black water" would have been worth a mention, though. And I'm a little concerned that you thought Ashlee's shirts were "fabulous." Were you just trying to be nice, or did Teresa's bad-acid-trip coat make everything else look better by comparison?
Jay, I look forward to your blogs almost as much as I look forward to the show itself. (Actually, maybe more.)You have me in tears sometimes. The comment about the cookbook was classic! I agree with you that RHONJ is the best of the cities. Love the show and love you!!! Keep up the good work!
I love your blogs, I look forward to them as much as the show, but PLEASE tell me you're not another one of these American guys who think that only Size 0 women should show their bodies. It's 'belly' dancing, not 'non-existent belly' dancing. Everyone is so politically correct, until you see a fat woman (which I am), and then the gloves come off. Shame on you. Also, I think the birthday gift Kathy gave Richie is the not inviting Teresa and Joe. Peace.
I have never previously done a spit-take in my nice demure life, but you got me Jay. You are truly blessed with a skewed view of the world that makes all of us spew Diet Coke on the closest laptop/ipad/whatever. Thanks for the references that even put Dennis Miller to shame.
Jay, I look forward to your blogs almost as much as I look forward to the show itself. Actually, maybe more) You have me in tears sometimes. The cookbook comment was classic. I agree with you that RHONJ is the best of the cities. Love them and love you!! Keep up the good work!
Bravo should definitely think about doing a few episodes with you doing live commentary.. That would be the best!!