Jacqueline opens up about her heart-to-heart with Teresa.
I'm so sorry I didn't blog last week. I had very little downtime to do it, so I will just add my thoughts from last week into this week’s blog.
I think most of you were wondering what I felt about Teresa's "Karma" comment, so I will address that. Teresa and I had not really resolved everything from our past relationship, and I still didn’t completely trust her sincerity. Being civil really isn't the same as being a friend. "Keep your enemies closer" keeps playing in my head.
I was a little sensitive to that "karma" comment, because Teresa had known that someone had said that about my son in a derogatory way in the past and it upset me. My thought process was this: if Teresa believed that if she hurt someone, karma could go back on her kids, then it is logical to think that she also believed that karma could go back on the kids of others who have hurt someone. Teresa had made it known to me that she felt that I had hurt her in some way, so why wouldn't she feel that karma could affect my kids, if it was her belief it could happen to her own? Get it? Autism was one thing that she knew I was struggling with when it came to my child, so that is why it popped into my head. Even though I consider my son a good karma and a definite blessing in my life, I wasn't sure how she perceived it.It took me a minute to process what Teresa said and I wasn't sure, at the time, what I thought of it or if I should even respond to it. It confused me, because Teresa was being so nice and acting so normal around me that I forgot we were ever fighting. I was having fun with her again just like old times.
When Teresa called me up during the gong ceremony, I felt very emotional because I started to see a more vulnerable side to Teresa that I appreciated. I felt like she was finally opening up to me and inviting me back in her life. It felt sincere. I wanted to believe that all the past nonsense had been forgiven and forgotten, and that we were sincerely starting our friendship over again with a clean slate and going in a positive direction.I had convinced myself for so long that I didn't want Teresa back in my life, because it became so toxic at a time where I didn't have room anymore for toxic people. I was dealing with other more important things that I needed to keep my focus on. I convinced myself that Teresa would never forgive and forget or move forward in sincere way, because I had never known her to do that before with anyone else. Why would it be different with me? I wouldn't allow myself to let her back in my life, because not only did I not trust her, but I didn't think I could be the kind of friend that she wanted me to be. I don't like disappointing people any more than I like people disappointing me. I didn't believe she really trusted or cared about me, so I no longer allowed myself to care about her. I tried to shut her out completely.
Teresa was out of sight, out of mind for a while, but once our mutual friends and family members kept putting us in situations together, it became very hard for us to continue to avoid each other. It then became hard not to slip back into my comfort zone with her, especially when we were making such an effort to be civil with each other and were no longer fighting. It felt just like old times together and for the first time in a long time, with the magic of Miraval, I opened up my heart and realized that I actually did miss her. Miraval is a magical place.I mentioned the "karma" comment to my husband to see if he might possibly take it the same way I did. I guess he did. I told him that before I started running away with that thought, I needed to ask her about it. I never hold on to things for very long before confronting the person I have an unsettling issue with. I'm all about communication. I thought about talking to her about it, but I was torn. I wasn't sure whether or not I should get that deep into it with her, or if I should just let it slide and go with the flow. She said she wanted to be civil, not friends, so I wasn't sure if it was necessary to bring it up. I wondered what it would accomplish. I was letting Teresa take the lead with the friendship. If she ever wanted to talk, I would reciprocate. If not, I was just going to let things be as they were and accept it for what it was.Wyatt and his horse was such an amazing experience. It really was not about the horse. It really was even deeper than what you saw. (But did you see the size of his penis? Holy crap!) Seeing everyone so vulnerable and real made me love them even more. It made me realize that everybody is dealing with some kind of a struggle in their life, whether or not they choose to show it. People should really be more compassionate towards others. Try to be aware of other people’s pain, listen to what others are trying to tell you, and try to comfort them by letting them know you care and that they've been heard.
Chris comparing Teresa to the horse was really interesting. I was afraid of approaching the horse, because I was afraid it would hurt me. I wanted to connect with it, but I was afraid it wouldn't connect with me. I wanted to keep a safe distance. By staying away from the horse, I wouldn't have to worry about it and I couldn't get hurt. What the horse didn't realize was that if the horse was ever wounded or needed me, I would be there. If not, I would watch it ride off into the sunset and I would wish it well.Teresa and I had a long heart to heart by that fire. It was more than I ever expected. You didn't see it all, but we discussed a lot of our issues with each other. It felt great to get it all out. I felt like we had a better understanding of each other and for the first time, it seemed as though we had a real shot of having a true friendship.
Only time would tell. For that moment in time, I was very happy with the direction things were going. Lucy and Ethel were back!
See you next week! XOXO!