Cast Blog: #RHONY

Drinking, Lying, Screaming

Ramona on Her Divorce From Mario

Carole on Elitists and Bitches

Heather Says That's a Wrap

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

The Countess: Sonja and I Are on the Outs

Aviva Says Bye for Now

Kristen on Surviving Her First Season

LuAnn: For Ramona Ignorance Is Bliss

Who Cares How Carole Wrote Her Book?

Carole on Stupid Things You've Heard on Bravo

Aviva's "Foul Ignorance"

Kristen: Ramona's Out of Touch with Reality

Sonja Is Very Private

Ramona on the Grueling Reunion

LuAnn: Sonja Is Off the Rails

Heather: Et tu Ramona Singer?

Aviva on Kristen's "Gatemouth" Look

Kristen: Sonja Could Be Successful

Sonja's Glad Aviva Threw Her Leg

Carole: Waiter, We're Done

Ramona: Aviva's Leg Scared All of Us

Heather Focuses on What Matters

LuAnn: Sonja Only Has Herself to Blame

What Else Does Aviva Have in That Bag?

Aviva: Leggy Blonde

God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Sonja on Her Harry Situation with LuAnn

Ramona: Where Did the Time Go With Avery?

Heather Tips to Plan a Party for Carole

Aviva Rises Above the Nonsense

Love Kristen Tender

Sonja and Harry Aren't Good for Each Other

Ramona: Mario's Voice Is So Sexy

Aviva Defends Her Asthma

Heather's Sasha Fierce Moment

Nothing Is Too Romantic for Sonja

LuAnn: I Sing When I Feel Like Singing

Kristen: This Show Has Helped My Marriage

Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Ramona: Just Don't Ask Me to Go Every Year

Drinking, Lying, Screaming

Carole ponders what lead up to the "white trash" bust-up and discusses the mating habits of Bonobos.

Do you get the feeling that everyone is off their meds this episode? I need a Xanax just watching it, some of this I hadn't seen until now. Does anyone have a Xanax?

It inspired me, though, I found the title of my next novel -- a thinly-veiled roman a clef about six women and a pirate in paradise and the hijinx that ensue. I’m calling it: “Drinking, Lying, Screaming.”

Let’s start with the scream, the one heard round the world. I should never have left the main house that night. I should have stayed. But there was my hair to consider and an outfit change -- my boyfriend was waiting. Aviva had arrived in one piece, passed her presents all around, kisses and hugs went back and forth and Reid was thank-you’d and tucked in his room with emails and business. All was well. Jean Batiste made canapés with dip, the sky if I were to step out from beneath the bar and look up was full of stars, the moon was bright. Music floated out from the well-placed speakers, the pinot flowed free in red and white, and happy laughter echoed across the island. The ocean lapped onto Saline beach in what sounded like faint applause behind me.

“I did it!” I thought, and patted myself imaginarily on the back. “I pulled off the hat trick.”

I thought I had merged the crazy lot of us into one $40 million house, seamlessly. A cloudless blue-skied day had melted into a star-filled night. It was perfect. It was ripe for calamity. It was the kind of night where no one expects anything to happen, and so it does. I should have known.

I’m no stranger to the Goddess Fortuna. In ways both good and bad -- she could care less -- she steers our fate. And she favors the prepared. She sneaks into five-bedroom, three pool, two-guest bungalow, wait-staffed homes when all is calm, and she throws up a clatter. I was unprepared.

But let’s start at the beginning when things are still light and sexy.

Our pirate is back!

How many of you feel bad for our pirate? English is his second language and he is even less fluent in the language of deceit. He looks confused, LuAnn looks tense, Ramona looks like a wolf going in for the kill. She’s relentless, she’s like a dog with a T-bone. And unfortunately for LuAnn  -- and her cock and bull story -- the one thing Ramona isn’t this time, is crazy.

 

So what really happened, will anyone ever know? Will the Italians ever show up? Wait, rewind, did our pirate just say “body double?” That’s it! It wasn’t him, it was his double, which is as plausible as a group of Italians any day and also begs the question: What does Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow double’s double look like? It’s your lucky day, guys, because I found a picture. He looks like this:

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Housewife Rule #39:
“Don’t talk on the phone behind the camera’s back.”

Why? Because it will always bite you in the ass. LuAnn forgot the rule. She wasn’t the only one.

LuAnn is like a dog with a boner the way she pursues these Italians and their friendships. I did it Italian-style last night, now I do it French-style. She won’t let up. No one believes her Italian story, not even our pirate when he is beaten into submission by Sonja and says Yes! Yes! It was him. They went out drinking together. Wow, that’s all? What a letdown.

Heather and I can’t believe our luck in this scene, it’s the National Geographic Channel up-close and real, like watching Animal Planet ringside. Here are, move for move, the entire mating repertoire of the Bonobo Chimp. Peacocking and preening and pricking. The Bonobo Chimp organizes its entire social structure around sex. They use sex to say Hello, to resolve disputes, to make up after fights; they trade sex for food and favor. They tongue kiss, perform orally, mutually masturbate, and even have a penis-fencing ritual. They do have sex for pleasure, but most of the time, much like Housewives across the country, they use sex simply to keep the peace. Not surprisingly, the DNA of the Bonobo compares closely to DNA of the average man and woman, matching as high as 98 percent in one study. Bonobos are closer, genetically speaking, to humans than they are to gorillas! I’m obsessed with animal shows. I know, it’s weird.

The Fat Lady Sings
Sonja said it’s not over until you-know-who-sings and someone -- no names, not saying names -- sang. I said too much already. But before you wrinkle your cute little noses up, hear this. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 46 perfect of woman surveyed claimed to have had a--l sex, so half of you reading this should be all good. According to the same data, these women said it’s easier to reach orgasm, anally speaking, yet the practice, despite it’s being not uncommon, remains taboo. Should it? This might be worth investigating.

Stealing Sun
Let me take a minute here to say that while I might not agree with everything Ramona and Sonja do or say, they are definitely fun and entertaining. They can both drink pirates under the table but they are two decent people. Do we have a lot in common? Yes, no, maybe. But as my fat Italian Grandma Millie always said, “It takes all types to make a world.” That’s how I grew up. I celebrate the differences in people, and then look for commonality. It’s there, with everyone, if you’re willing to look. I always assume, regardless of what we’re wearing or drinking or saying, that we run around most of the time in our own personal hell. We all have that in common.

Meet The Parents
Yes, out on the lawn, there arose a bit of clatter. It’s hard to come late to the party. You’re behind on the jokes, on the drinks, on the stories and spills and falls. It’s hard to catch up. You saw that when we were regaling Aviva by the bar with our tales. She looked out of sorts. It’s like when you get to the New Year’s Eve party right after midnight. Everyone’s kissed, they’re low on champagne, there’s a certain vibe that, well, money can’t buy.

We arrived back from the boat trip later than we had intended because it’s hard to wrangle five women plus drivers here and there. We did not have much downtime. I was getting ready for a date, Lu was showering, Heather was in her PJs, Ramonja were frolicking like nymphets -- like the Aphrodite of Cnidus come to life.

 

We hugged Aviva, when she walked in, and thanked Reid for bringing her. Then she asked us to thank him again. She asked us to thank Reid more times than LuAnn asked us to believe in imaginary Italian friends! When I was married it was my job to do all the thanking and drooling and gushing, not my friends. Even Reid says he doesn’t need that. I think he just wanted all of us to go away so he could work, no?

The scene that launched a thousand screams had back story, I won’t bore you with it. There were phone calls, there were talks behind the camera’s back. No good ever comes of that, we learned that during the alleged blackmail-gate. What you did see, though, was on last week’s show, when LuAnn, Ramona, and Sonja discussed Reid’s arrival. (Remember, I’d stepped out of the room to talk to Russ.) LuAnn said Reid at the house would change the dynamic. (LuAnn had trouble with the truth our entire stay.) Everyone else agreed. Ramona ask diplomat LuAnn to ask Reid to go to a hotel, she deferred to me. For the record, no one ever asked me to ask Reid to go to a hotel. This was a throwaway conversation. It died. It was idle chatter. Maybe it wasn’t nice, but in the end they were all fighting and pointing like Larry, Curly, and Moe over something that was discussed but never happened. Oye.

Class Warfare on the Richest Island in the Carribean
Some of the smartest people I know never went to Vassar, or even to college. Peter Jennings never finished high school and he was one of the most gracious, elegant, and intelligent men I’ve ever met. I’ve met people with enough degrees to paper an entire guest bungalow who have the manners of a jackal. Dangling an impressive resume to belittle someone isn’t like Aviva. I think she’s rattled by her suspicion that Sonja and Ramona have been talking badly behind her back.

 

Still, there is never a reason to call names. It’s not decent or nice. “White trash” is a derogatory slang term referring to people in this country of a lower social class. It’s a slur -- used by upper class whites to refer to uneducated lower class whites. While it may differ from Okie or Hillbilly, it’s still pejorative, and worse -- it’s vulgar and inelegant.

Hug Therapy Works!
Sonja is trying hard here. As I watched this scene, I wished I had hugged her. She’s been over-served and over-insulted and she’s hurt.

Healing touch therapy is a gentle therapy that emphasizes heart-centered care and compassionate healing intention. I think it works, because Aviva seems genuinely sorry in the touch therapy session. People do say things they don’t mean in the heat of an argument. I believe that. . .but then, huh?

Aviva had me at "Hello" but she lost me somewhere between "White Trash" and "Rush Limbaugh," and her reference to his infamous empty apology. Limbaugh wasn’t sorry for calling an innocent young woman a whore and slut, he was sorry his show lost sponsors. And it was arguably one of the nastiest moments in his almost 50-year broadcasting career.

And So it Goes. . .
In the end, Heather and I had a few good laughs but did not beg anyone to come to St. Barths. Do we seem like beggars? I’ve never begged anyone to go anywhere. And it’s true -- it was egregious -- I didn’t organize a party, or a red carpet. But it’s because I didn’t have my Oscar dress, it wouldn’t fit on the small plane. Too much crinoline. Plus, I wonder if maybe we all forgot one little thing. This trip was about, um. . .me?

Yet I somehow end up pants-less, refereeing a boxing match between grown women, cursing like a pirate and missing Russ’ rehearsal. I, too, wound up pounding Captain Jack all night, the whiskey, that is.

I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone, again, about the reasons for this trip.

1. I finished the first draft of my book.
2. Russ is playing a blues festival.
3. I invited the girls along to celebrate.

Poll Question:
Which of the ladies actually did leave that night, and stayed at a hotel?

If you guessed me, you win! I left dinner to see Russ and I didn’t come back. Russ was staying at the coolest little dive near town, it hadn’t been updated since the 50s. The bed had a mosquito net canopy, the orange walls were faded and peeling. It was beautiful. We contemplated running away that night. We called the house on the hill Alcatraz. When I woke the next morning I had hoped it was all a dream, a nightmare, then I got a text from my producer -- “Please return to the house.”

Tune in next week when the ladies make me cry.

As always, you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here. Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here. Follow my sister (@teresadifalco). You can get the book I was talking about on the boat, titled The Letter here.

Sonja: Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

Sonja explains why she and Ramona are family, why she's hiring Aviva, and why LuAnn is still her friend.

At this point, I am numb to the whole BookGate debate. I am not on anyone's side, I just hope that both books are bestsellers and that Carole and Aviva are making enough money to pay the bills with their books because BookGate has definitely taken an emotional toll on their friendship. I know that they were close and had great times together. In fact, Carole was once the godmother to Aviva's daughter. How can this come between them? Such contention over the accusations! I don't know why they let it get so heated. It's not worth it! I just hope that they can forgive each other at some point. As you get to know someone, you get to see their strengths and weaknesses -- and you have to accept those if you're going to be friends.

I was surprised when the girls laughed at me discussing my ability to forgive and voicing my Christianity. I think that it is one of the reasons that I can live my own life and not worry about everyone else's or the grass being greener. It's all relative. We are on Earth for such a short time. I am enjoying every day of my life. I am grateful for the family and friends that I have and my beautiful daughter.

I have so much more than many other people, and I remind myself of that every day with the charity work that I do. That's why I feel so much more comfortable working with artists, animals, the LGBT, and children. It's such a sensitive, caring, and loving place to be. I love my Sonja In The City event planning business because it lets me be me -- an artist and a promoter -- while helping others reach their highest capabilities. Plus I get to do all that while helping me get my daughter through school in a stable environment. It keeps me connected to the movers and shakers who help me manage my investments. I love to produce and to contribute. It makes me feel good.

I believe some of the women fail to take me seriously because I only show them my party side. There is a private side to me that most people don't see, because they only see me out at social events and while I'm entertaining. I throw a lot of events, so a lot of people only see that side, as it's my business and the way I broker some of my deals.

It is amazing how moms like Heather find strength to do dealing with their children's issues, like her son's health and hearing loss. It's what we do with loved ones. We do it with marriage partners too! I surprised myself when my ex had a terrible accident and I was called upon to deal with all of the doctors, therapists, and financial advisors.

I dont feel that Ramona called Aviva vile. She said that she had a vile side. That's different!

I'm not upset that Ramona spoke behind my back about my financial problems. She's human, and I spoke my feelings then and we worked through it the way that family does. We have too much water under the bridge to let opinions or men get in between us.

Heather questioning the legitimacy of my friendship with Ramona is just silly. She knows that we have been friends forever and whatever I have said about Ramona I have told her to her face. Heather knows this very well -- since I'm very upfront about my feelings with her.

The girls saying that Aviva's leg throw was staged is silly. I let Aviva know that everyone was saying she was fake. Even if she plans to throw it on the table to make a point, that doesn't make it staged. It just means she was pushed to a limit. I thought she was hilarious. After all, it was a private party in the back room. We weren't in the actual restaurant. Aviva doesn't go around throwing her leg around in normal restaurant situations. Maybe she and I should take her act on the road! A real dog and pony show! I always said I was a performer, a comedian, and a producer. At my Sonja In The City parties, now we can include Aviva as part of the show!

My overall thoughts of the season was that the reunion had more drama. I felt the season flip-flopped around quite a bit. Harry and I will always have a very strong relationship, just as Ramona and Aviva will always be in my life. Aviva's son Harrison is like my family.

Ramona was definitely going through something this season. I let her know I was upset, but I can't change her and she can't change me. We accept each other the way we are and we work our differences out.

I didn't know LuAnn was going through a breakup. She never shared that with me, and I was getting upset that she wasn't trusting my friendship and was blaming me for everything. I didn't give any credence to any of the rumors that were going around town through the salon that Satoko worked at. Kristen and I just asked the facialist to tell us for fun. I can't stop LuAnn from running out of parties with my guys -- just like I can't stop Harry from taking off and leaving me because he knows I want commitment and he wants to fool around. But that doesn't mean LuAnn's not my friend and that I can't speak my mind in front of her, and it doesn't mean that Harry isn't someone that I love as well.

I hope that you found the season entertaining. I hope that you don't take yourself too seriously! And when the naysayers back you into the corner, just say what Glinda the Good Witch said to the Wicked Witch of the West "Be off with you, your black magic doesn't work here!"

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