Spring Break, OC-style

Sometimes watching the Real OC Housewives makes Bethenny Frankel's brain hurt.

I have so many words that I feel like I'm at a loss for words. Is it me or was this week's show like an MTV spring break Cancun pinata that just busted wide open? Well I am no longer disengaged or confused about why this show or these women are on the air. This is entertainment at its finest, and I am in, I am buckled up, and I am in for the ride of my life.

First, is Havasu a lake or a river? I know it's a lake, but Vicki calls it the river. Second, please, dear God, tell me that I can live my life and never hear the following phrase again: "Show us your pubes" and please give me the moments back during which Tamra fondled Simon's balls and he told her to "Blow me" in order for her to get a boat. Her breasts were the talk of the town. Tamra brought the rack of Gibraltar with her. I always say "go big or go home" and Tamra got the memo.

Also, am I naïve or do adults do "beer bongs" and drink beer out of funnels? Do people really drink beer out of animal print holders surrounded in boa fur? Also, was it me or did Vicky's friend look like the tan woman in There's Something About Mary. Those guns were loaded too. This show was a combination of Married With Children, My Name is Earl, Girls Gone Wild, and Cops. Need I address the wardrobe this week? Where to start? I will go there if I have to. I will politely address the staged drama of Frankie showing up to the party, but frankly who cares? Vicky needs to either a) engage b) confront or c) just simply ignore and move on. Whatever she chooses, don't get caught up and be juvenile. High school was over 30 years ago, and we should be glad. As for Ryan's inner lip tattoo, screw him. It has nothing to do with Tamra. She is a good mother, and she needs to let the guilt go.

I think I fell asleep while watching Lynne. Where the hell did they find this broad? Her daughter Raquel needs to understand something: those large pieces of equipment are called cameras and their function is to record. If you want to drink illegally, you might want to not do that on national television. And, your mother's advice of not to eat to fit in clothing is about as valuable as her listening to your ways to avoid a hangover. Being skinny is a big, competitive topic, and it is everything I oppose as stated in my book, Naturally Thin. My brain hurts watching the dynamic of these three. Please give me the moments of my life back where I have to watch these people compete in tanning or who wears more outfits. I'm begging to look at Ryan's inner lip just for relief.

The husbands are generally sweet and stand by their women. Simon was just backing Ryan to diffuse the situation. Did anyone else cry laughing when Vicki got whacked? I love Vicki, but like me, she is a nutjob and when that football hit her, she was like a horse who had been hit with a tranquilizer. She was a stunned deer.

Gretchen was endearing this week. I'm not mad at her for going to her family to decompress. She is 30, beautiful, and she really has a full plate. She hung with her parents. It wasn't like she was in Vegas. I don't walk in her shoes, and I can't know what that is like. She is sweet, snd she certainly can rock a bikini. I still don't like her calling Jeff to ask how he feels. What do you say? Happy 4th I suppose. Again, I don't walk in anyone's shoes. Well, this train has left the station. Buckle up 'cuz I'm on it.

Happy holidays!

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