Hallelujah. No more dirty secrets or lies. This past summer was a frightening roller coaster ride. I had so many skeletons in my closet and the truth will ALWAYS prevail (especially if you're on a reality show).
That being said, the truth will also set you free -- and I'm in a much better place than I was then. Hindsight is always 20/20 and watching back I wish I had just told the truth when Jax spilled our secret. I was so afraid of the repercussions that I literally planned on taking it to my grave. In the moment, I would have done anything to make Jax look like the liar because I felt my entire life was on the line. I may have felt differently if Jax had come to me privately and said, "This is eating away at me, we have to tell them." He didn't announce it because he had remorse and that's what really bothered me. At that point, he had already screwed Tom over by confessing the Ariana secret and he had lost Stassi so in Jax's mind he had nothing left to lose. But I had everything to lose. Jax wanted attention/relevance in our group and that's exactly what he got. I don't, for a split second, condone what I did and couldn't be more sorry and ashamed. I do, however, think it's bulls--- that everyone turned their back on me and didn't even bat an eyelash at Jax.
. . .Everyone but Tom.
The lies started eating away at me and I could barely look at Tom. I started lying to myself, silently pleading for it to all go away. Hoping for a sudden turn of events that Jax would have some sort of loyalty to me and tell everyone he had made the whole thing up. Everyday, seeing Tom defending me and our relationship while I was lying straight to his face. . .was heartbreaking. I knew if I told him that I would lose him, but it was better than staying in a tumultuous and dishonest relationship. Yes, he had cheated on me multiple times with several girls over the five-and-a-half years we were together, but he didn't deserve this. I can admit this was the lowest thing I had ever done and I had to put my big girl pants on and own it.
When I finally admitted the truth to Tom, I don't think it really hit him. He left the apartment, came back and told me to get my shit together and get ready for Scheana's party. I had no intention on going at that point but he wanted me to go and tell everyone the truth. And he deserved at least that.
Walking in to SUR that night was the lion's den part two. Only this time, it would be me who would drop the bomb. I knew that no one would be surprised that it was true, but they would be shocked that I actually admitted it. Tom and I decided that Stassi was the first person I had to speak to. I wasn't going in there to make a grand announcement. I had to look her in the eye and own my mistakes. It caught me a bit off-guard that she wanted to talk to me and even apologize for hitting me. It was worse because I was about to tell her that it did in fact happen.
I wasn't surprised that Tom had, once again, come to my defense. As messed up as our relationship had become, I will never have with anyone what I had with Tom. As hateful as we had acted toward each other at times and beyond all of the lies and disrespect, deep down we both loved each other very much. I know how counterintuitive that sounds, but there aren't words to describe the love I will always have for him. I am writing this blog in tears thinking back on it. . .
I knew nothing about that night would be easy but I wasn't prepared for how emotional my conversation with Lisa was. Part of me thought I would be doing her a favor by quitting. But at the end of the day, I had to (for once) think logically, not emotionally, and I still needed a job. As much as that night felt like the end of the world, I knew that it wasn't. Lisa was right in saying that I had no one to blame but myself. At that point all I could do was tell the truth and know that what didn't kill me would eventually make me stronger.
Tom hitting Jax was the giant elephant in the room that night. I've never seen Tom get physical with another guy ever, but Jax's lack of remorse and respect was begging Tom to punch him. I don't condone fighting but Jax really did deserve it. It wasn't premeditated but the whiskey was flowing and after all Tom had been through the past few weeks, it was bound to happen. I am a firm believer in karma, and sometimes it's a bitch.