“Every January, I swear up and down, ‘This is the year I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna get up off my literal tail and use the gym membership I have to that piece of equipment in my owner’s basement.’ And every year, I fail.
“But not this year. This year, I am KILLING IT. No more sitting around chewing on old newspapers just for fun. No more salt lick treats—I am going full Paleo and eating alfalfa only. I am gonna get so ripped that I won’t even be able to fit inside an old paper towel roll anymore. How you like me now, humans?!”
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