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A True Artist

Mary comments on her wardrobe, the stresses of the presidency, speaking French, and dinosaurs.

Well now that our first episode is out of the way I think my crankier stricter side is showing through, which luckily never lasts long. The funny thing is between all the tough talk of mine, I am usually laughing about something and cracking a joke, which is exactly why no one is scared of me! Seriously, no one!

So we first see Nancy and I perusing the guesthouse's lower and upper floor. Someone needs to remind me to never where that dress again, btw. It gives me an enormous bottom. You may all email my office for that reminder. Yes I know I have thin arms, it's the bum we are talking about.

Anyhow, of course in my phone conversation with Kendra I end up with the usual client budget concern that seems to always rear it's ugly head. This was a first with Kendra though, as she really appreciates the very best. But I guess this was the caboose of the house for her. Hey, I completely get it that you wouldn't want to spend money on a place you are moving from -- EXCEPT if you want it to look good there is no way around it. I seem much more ferocious than I am really, but sometimes you have to put your foot down, possibly in a Louboutin or something so you feel better while doing it.

I am also a big proponent of using catalogues as filler for playrooms and similar spaces, but then whole point of designing these spaces is so that the house will be as complete in the back houses as it is in the main house, plus if that's what we are doing you don't need me. I have to be the boss here, which brings me to the case of hard working realtors, and their job is hard truly. Realtors want to show houses in a high-end, yet non-directional way, so as not to pigeonhole the house. I get it. That's not what I do. I make dramatic, directional, committed interiors. It is my signature. I am a more is more kind of gal -- that is why it's called more. I feel like I am spending the entire time trying to explain what I need to do to complete the job or get someone to do what I ask. I think we should call this the "Will someone please listen to Mary" episode. Or perhaps we shouldn't, because that would entail someone else signing the checks, which does not sound half bad actually. There is a thought.

Speaking of listening to me, if you hear one thing right now hear this: Nancy or Le Schmance (how I personally like to refer to her in the office) is very, very smart. Having attended Berkeley She is much smarter than I actually, which never really bothers me because she always flatters me by calling me a true artist, and I buy it every time. I love flattery but who doesn't? After all I am a "True Artist." Le Schmance from Berkeley said so, and people that go to Berkeley know their stuff. Right? It feels good nonetheless so I just sit back and soak it in.

Back to then point about Le Schmance and her IQ: she does not think giraffes are extinct and got her words mixed up, which I found hilarious with a capital H! She really set herself up for the pterodactyl comment. I saw the horror in her eyes when she realized what she had said but ah too late, caught on camera! This is actually the fun of all this: my big bum in a horrid from behind dress, unretractable comments etc. One must have to have a laugh at the humor here because life in and of itself is one big foible, or we wouldn't all relate to Woody Allen, who is also a fellow Sag, btw. (Oh, not the Soon-Yi part though, that one is a little off my radar, but whatever works for you.)

Back to Nancy, I must say exactly what I love her for is why we have these power plays. I can give Nancy a huge job to project manage, and, because she is a grown woman with years of experience from the best of firms, it gets done. But -- can I be the boss for a second here? Can someone please just do what I want and put the bed where I want it? We all know the answer to that: NO. It is like I left money in my will, and people are spending it before I am dead. I am alive and well and standing next to you on the install.

I would have left Nancy's bed choice. I was so out of time, and it was not actually bad there either -- but then Nancy would have WON! We can't have that or the game wouldn't be interesting now would it?

I am sure we are all relieved Lavin wore his "installation" outfit, right? Pheeeeew is all I have to say. Hey, I kind of need an installation outfit myself, actually. After I run out and buy one, I am calling Martyn's hypnotist, immediately. I am sure there is loads to fix in my psyche. I just have not had the time to do it, and he seems like the fast track to enlightenment. I am texting Martyn right now for his number. I also kind of thought the hypnotist's front doors were kind of chic too, no? Ooh look, now I am French, no? Just say no at the end of your sentences and it sounds more European. That will be in my next book, "Tips For Only the Very Pretentious." No?

Which leads me to Jeffrey's presidential candidacy. I loved his install and well-appointed beach house sans the sink debacle, BUT I would die if I felt the pressure of the presidency on my shoulders. I think I am going to make an appointment for gorgeous Jeffrey at the hypnotist, and perhaps for Ross as well, since he is also gorgeous. They are too gorge to feel all this pressure, and I like my boys to be happy. We all need it. After all, there are more left-handed president's than not, and I am a lefty so the pressure is even more insurmountable for me (although I think my problem is safely an indulgence in potato chips). The country is much safer with me not running it, trust me. Jeffrey and Ross go throw your khakis and bucks on as I am coming to get you for our hypnotist appointment.

Now Kathryn and Nathan don't seem to need this right now, as Kathryn knows the great enjoyments in life are chocolate and wine -- to which I firmly agree and Nathan's install with a fortune worth's of antique tiles ended in triumph. They seem to not need hypnotism help this time around, but I am still planning a "Win a trip to Kathryn's French country house" contest open to the public so open to thoughts of what it could be? Kathryn has not confirmed this by the way, which makes it risky -- which is more fun.

I must run and get the boys for our hypnotist appointment.

See you next week.


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