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Episode 8: Flagg Day
In which Josh introduces us to Colton Thorn.
Peace in the valley. Let there be peace in the valley, my gentle agents.
That's the message I've been trying to send telepathically to Madison and the Joshes since last week's episode. They started the season like a blissful family of angels, but the stress of the Heather situation has everybody acting all lunatic-like these days.
Did they receive it? Hmmm... I do know that Josh Flagg received my other message, the one telling him to PUT HIS BABY PICTURES US! You must look at them, I tells ya (it's easy, his baby shots are right here). I've never seen a baby who so accurately represents the adult they grew up to be. Much of this is due to the fact that he's wearing his intergalactic-Garanimals from outer space even as a toddler.
Speaking of Josh F, big episode for him... I.E. WHO IS COLTON THORN? Let's leave that till later, though -- Josh has business before dropping the bomb. First, he's called to an unfinished property by an estate representative who wants to sell immediately. It turns out that unfinished means "big heaps of trash inside some pieces of plywood glued together." However, it has a superb location (and the Los Angeles County-mandated 10,000 bathrooms), so Josh is game. As always. When was the last time you saw Josh Flagg get agitated about a single thing?
Then, it's off to Malibu, where Madison and Heather meet outside their office and quickly address the speed-dating incident. "What is up with your freaking man?" Madison asks. "That was gnarly." Instead, turning the gnarliness back on Madison, Heather moves to diffuse things. She says that that the ideas are entirely her own, she was wrong to get Altman involved in what is a essentially a business matter between her and Madison. Peace in the valley.
We stay in beautiful Malibu, and move over to a new listing Madison has — wait... that car... That's not Madison... That's JOSH ALTMAN. Dang it, if I have one shortcoming, it's being too fast to declare peace in the valley. So, this is far from over. I pray it doesn't end in a duel.
But don't put away your patron saint of non-confrontationalism rosaries just yet: there's another storm brewing. Because when Altman pulls up to the Malibu house, a mysterious second real estate agent is standing in the driveway. His ears prick up and his hair stands on end a little more than usual – and then his real estate instincts kick in, like a gorilla who has been asked to sell another gorilla's nest, but when he goes over to it, a third gorilla is standing there, also hoping to sell the nest, and both of the gorillas are licensed Realtors (it happens more often than you think).
"What are you doing here?" Josh asks.
Chip, the developer selling the house, wants them to co-list, even though they don't know each other. Chip looks a lot like a teacher, which is fitting because this is like when you're forced to do a group project at school – which, why must anybody ever do them? They're so embarrassing and you're either going to get someone who doesn't do any work at all, or some who seems nice at first but is secretly undermining you the entire time secretly.
That's almost what happens! Because in a crazy twist, the second agent says that Josh's estimate is too low. That may not ever have happened in the history of real estate. There's some bickering, Josh offers the agent $25,000 in cash to get out, but no big thing, they get past it.
Lucky for both of them, because this house is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGiiiin’. Beautifully decorated, and the view is stunning. This could be the finest property the boys have worked yet. Yes, there's a "trolley to the beach," which is unforgivable, but I'm willing to overlook it for now.
(Check out photos of this week's properties.)
The two stumble through their first interview, but manage to get their act together for the next agent, who is... Madison. Josh asks him if he needs help finding a new assistant. }:) Madison: "I think this conversation is over."
Madison is otherwise tied up with a couple from Massachusetts who have this weird thing where they're a man and his sister-in-law. "It's all about the kids," they keep saying. Whenever buyers talk about kids on MDL, don't they always make it sound like a weird euphemism for something?
"Yeah, it's all about the kids..."
"Little worried about how the kids might act in this room."
"This room makes me a little anxious about the kids..."
"We're really only looking at this... for the kids."
Buuuut, at the end -- let's cut to the chase -- they're seconds away from buying a house when they cancel it. So they are relegated to Recap Purgatory. Goodbye.
Now back to Flagg! And his big announcement! Right before it, we get to see Sleepy Josh, which I swear to God is one of the most sublime parts of this show. If you don't believe I feel this way, here are my notes from when this particular portion of the episode:
"yeeeees Yess sleepy josh!!! Sleepy Josh Sleepy Josh!"
If you don't feel the same way, get out! Get out, I say!
And then, the big announcement: "here'smyboyfriendcoltonhe'sthemostimportantpartofmylifeandyouneverevenknewheexistedandnowherehecomeswalkingrightin!!!"
(Check out shots from Josh's photo shoot for his new book, including more of him with Colton.)
All right, so we don't get to know Colton too well in this episode. We'll have to wait for more. He seems nice, though. And I'm happy to know that at least one Josh has this nice thing in his life.
Peace in the valley.
Tell us who's your #milliondollaragent.